They're right at the tip of my brain, these ideas and thoughts, but they'll go no further than that. It's like there's a disconnect between my brain and my fingers.
Move me away from my keyboard, away from pen and paper, and I'm a fucking fountain of creativity. But now, now all I've got are snippets.
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I think I'm worrying too much about what I write these days. Too many people that know me are reading this thing. If I ever disappear from here, it will be for that reason, and I'll probably be somewhere nearby.
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Every Thursday night I decide that I'm not going out over the weekend. Every Friday and Saturday night I go out. I don't know if this reflects too much apathy or too little determination. All I know for sure is that most nights I come home in a worse mood than I was in before I left my house.
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It's coming up on a year since that meteoric near-miss that left me trembling like a rabbit during hunting season. I still tremble. I'm doing it right now. Sometimes I remember what it was like to feel safe, but that memory is like a hazy dream that I'm not sure I ever really had.
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It would probably do me some good if I would allow myself to get pissed at certain people, but I don't expect it to happen anytime soon. It's just a lot easier to get pissed at myself. Plus, I'm used to that.
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People that know the situation should also remember that I didn't start it. It was all her idea to act on what was happening. I would have been perfectly content to let it end before it ever started. I had enough drama in my life already.
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It pisses me off that the thing that opened my heart to the possibility of happiness is the same thing that stands in the way of my finding it. Some would probably call this irony, but I have harsher words for it.
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One of these years I should think about getting my truck back home. It's been in the parking lot at work since Monday evening. I wonder if everybody thinks I'm all gung-ho now. Go team!
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I would make a terrible evil genius. For two reasons.
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I have a date for Sunday. People will probably think we're staging a remake of Beauty and the Beast. I sure hope nobody expects me to sing.
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I could do these snippets all night, but I won't. You can thank me later.
