posted by dave on Sunday, July 16, 2006 at 11:40 PM in category ramblings

I seem to have picked up a new quirk over the last few days. An irritating thought process that can take me nowhere good.

I've caught myself several times, way too many times to count. I've noticed this in the past, and I've always been able to stop it before it became a problem. Before that annoyance became a habit became an obsession.

What I'm doing is wondering.

Not wishing.

Not denying.

Not even hoping or regretting or fantasizing.

Just wondering. Wondering what she's doing and what she's thinking and how she's feeling and dozens of other things that are not only none of my business, they're downright dangerous subjects for me to be wondering about.

Because there's always the chance, however unlikely it may seem, there's always the chance that I'll be wondering and I'll be honest with myself at the same time. Don't laugh, it's bound to happen eventually.

One of these days or weeks or months or years, I'll allow that door that I've kept sealed in my head, that door that holds the truth at bay, I'll drop my guard and I'll allow that door to creak open. And all the monsters will come rushing out.

I wouldn't want to be around myself when that happens.

post a comment

If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.

I'll pretty much approve anything except SPAM comments, or comments that clearly have no purpose except to piss me off, or comments that are insulting to a previous commenter.

Use anything you want for your name and email address. I think it has to at least look like a valid email address though.

mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

search main 'blog

Year

Month

Category

Author

Search word(s)
   help me!

blog favorites

searching
awakening
the convenience of grief
apology
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
paradise
nothing personal
the one
dream sweet dreams for me
the willow bends and so do i
on bloodied ground
r.i.p.
lack of inertia
gray
thinning the herd
or maybe not
here's looking at you
what i miss
peril
who wants to play?
feverish thoughts
the devil inside?
perseverance
my cat ate my homework
don't say i didn't warn you
forgiveness
my god, it's full of stars
hold on a second, koko, i'm writing something
you know?
apples and oranges
happy new year
pissing on the inside
ramblings
remembering dad


Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.