I guess things are pretty much back to normal at work. I certainly hope so anyway.

Time for me to start easing that real life thing back into my existence. Not really sure what that means anymore though. I've completely lost focus.

Something will ground me I guess. I can't drift along forever, no matter how pleasant these past couple of weeks have been. Hard to believe that's all it's been. Seems like an eternity. Who was that guy, anyway? What a loser.

So I just drift. I muddle through. I have nothing for long for, and now I have nothing to fight against. I go to that haunted place and I sense no presence. My phone rings and I simply pick it up. I pull into the parking lot and all I look for is a place to park. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I live completely in the present. The present is fucking boring.

Meanwhile, there are fleas in my house. I find this odd because none of the cats seem to be carrying any.

Okay, this is strange. I'm having a fucking panic attack. My hands are shaking like crazy. Prescience, perhaps, or just too much caffiene?

Either way, it's an awful lot like having an actual feeling, so I'm going to enjoy it for a while.

Today I was presented with a nice little conundrum.

I got the following text-message:

Are you avoiding me?

This coming from a person (who does not read this 'blog) that I am, in fact, avoiding. This is a rather simple yes/no question, but it's one that I cannot answer.

If I answer "no" then I'm lying, and I'm not going to lie just to make this person feel better.

If I answer "yes" then I'm telling the truth, but the mere fact that I'm answering is ending my avoidance, which makes me a liar again.

So my choice is to not respond at all. Not the most grownup way to deal with this, but I never said I was a grownup.

I've gone ahead and put in a page to list all of the quotes that may come up on my main page.

Now, everybody that asked owes me a blow job or something.

You people piss me off.

This is a picture of the controllers for one of our storage arrays at work.

It's broken, so I'm still at work waiting to see if it can be repaired.

The entire show paled in comparison to last week's. I think they're giving the performers a list of shitty songs on purpose just to see what they do.

I'll probably just update this entry after the results show instead of making a new entry.

Marty: Exhausting to watch and listen to. (80 points)

Daphna: Just didn't like it very much. Boring I guess. (70 points)

Ty: Sang the shit out of some stupid song I never heard before. (85 points)

Suzie: Another stupid song. I could listen. She's hot though. (70 points)

Mig: A decent Tyler impersonation, but not great. (70 points)

Neal: This is some kind of a joke, right? (40 points)

Heather: Song seemed too slow. She also seemed to have something in her mouth, like a wad of chew or something. (50 points)

JD: Still a dork. (65 points)

Tara: Finally, a good song. Decent job. (80 points)

Deanna: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (65 points)

Jordis: Great song. Great voice. Fucked up hair. (90 points)

Jessica: Seems quite full of herself. Hot though. Sang well. (85 points)

Brandon: CCR is perfect for him. INXS, maybe not so much. Did an awsome job. (95 points)

Here's an excerpt from my server logs for today, showing some of the referrers.

http://www.google.dk/search?q=%22practice+shots%22+pool&hl=da

http://www.google.fr/search?q=ball+width&hl=fr&lr=&start=10&sa=N

http://www.google.nl/search?q=%22I%27ll+think+about+you
22&hl=nl&lr=&start=10&sa=N

http://www.google.pl/search?q=I+found+you+very+attractive&start=0
&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefoxa
&rls=org.mozilla:pl-PL:official

http://www.montecarloss.com/SS_Links.html

http://www.poolchat.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.phptopic_id=1475
&forum=1

Can you spot the hidden messages?

I went ahead and made a little About Me page.

Everybody else has one, why not me?

It's still a work in progress, though.

I also changed the quote mechanism at the top of the main page to provide a link to the original entry.

All you heartbreakers and love takers out there, what do you feel when you look behind you at that trail of broken hearts? What do you feel when they scream out your name and then watch you turn away?

Do you feel proud? Exhilarated? Like a winner?

Do you feel anything at all?

What will you feel when you're the one left in someone else's wake? Will you cry out to them as so many have cried out to you? Will you wonder how you can survive another day alone? Will you feel devastated? Hollow? Crushed? Like your soul has been ripped from your body and shredded into a million pieces? Will you wish you were dead, and finally understand that what you've been doing to others all along isn't quite as much fun when you're on the other side of the pain?

Good.

I wonder what that means?

When I least expect it.

This is an important question because I figure that's when the next big terrible fucked up dramatic thing will happen to me. That's when my sanity will once again be shattered and I'll once again have to start from scratch.

But how do you define least here? Is it when I'm aware that something will eventually happen, but probably not now? Or now. Or now. Or now. Or right now.

Or is it like having monkeys fly out of my ass to give presents to the poor kids? I don't expect that at all, so does that mean that I expect it less than this terrible thing that I both dread and long for?

These are important considerations, because if it's the latter then I may be safe for a long time, but if it's the former I could be in real trouble here. I expect this to happen, but not right away. Each day I feel the probability of it happening become a little bit less. Each day I expect it less than I did the day before.

At what point do I hit that magical when I least expect it mark?

I think I hit it when I stop worrying about it, but I haven't quite forgotten about it.

Like right fucking now.

The moral of this entry is to worry about stuff. You may just prevent it from happening.