Okay, I have 872 things on my mind right now, and I'd just love to write a lengthy entry about each of them, but alas, I am a lazy fuck. So I'll just cover the first 2 or 3 things that pop into my head.

After my nap.

Maybe.

This girl at Border's today was totally stalking me. I'd talked to her briefly when I first went in, about the writer Connie Willis, then she followed me around the store for a half-hour, almost keeping out of sight, but not quite.

Then she "just happened" to show up at Sully's where I was eating lunch. I was getting a little bit freaked out. Luckily I know the bartender and he let me sneak out the back door.

She was pretty enough, but I really don't need any more drama. Got plenty, thanks anyway.

As usual, this is nothing like it looked inside my head.

I kinda like it though.

So, like I already said, I was in a pretty strange mood last night. Untethered, unfettered, and a little bit disengaged.

Started out the night going to check out this new place in Georgetown that Dina and Kenny wanted to go to. I needed to get there early to see if they had any good beer.

They not only didn't have any good beer, they didn't have any beer at all. The place was like a Burger King, except with pool tables.

So I left there and got to Rich O's way earlier than normal. The place was crowded as fuck, with the prerequisite infestation of strangers taking up all of the seats at the bar and in the living room area. I just hate those people so much.

Because I'd arrived so early, and because I didn't plan on leaving early, I knew that I'd have to make an adjustment to my drinking regimen. I decided that I'd just stick to Guinness.

You know, I'm really bored sitting here writing this, so I'm going to stop fairly abruptly.

I ended up having three Guinnii and then a Stone Imperial Stout. Dina and Kenny came in for a while. It was a nice night.

One time when I was a kid - I have no idea how old - somebody (probably my grandfather) must have told us to go fly a kite, because that's exactly what we did.

My cousins Jeff and Chris, and maybe my sister Dina, all gathered in this little field next to my grandmother's house and we somehow managed to get this one kite flying so high that we could barely see it. As this was our first real kite-flying experience we'd messed something up, and we had the kite string running under this power line.

So the higher the kite went, the tighter the string was pulled against the power line. It was only a matter of time, we all knew, before that string was going to break.

Eventually, of course, it did break. The reel in my hands lost its connection with the kite, the string fell to the ground, and we all looked up. To see what was happening to the kite.

It fell to the ground. What else was it going to do, fly to the Moon? Of course it fell.

But not for a couple of seconds.

When that string broke, when its connection with the Earth had been severed, that kite leapt skyward. Spinning and dancing in the air far above our heads, the kite gained altitude. It actually seemed to be alive. Alive and free. For the first, and as it turned out, last time in its existence.

The kite did, after a few glorious seconds of freedom, fall to the ground, and eventually we walked to retrieve it. What was left of it anyway. Its wooden bones shattered, its paper wings torn and ragged, it was a pretty poor remnant of what it had once been. I don't think we even bothered to pick it up. We just left it there to rot in that field.

So anyway, I've been in a fairly unusual mood tonight, and I've had a tough time coming up with a good description of what it is I'm feeling. I was reminded of the kite by something I saw on TV, and I realized that I'd found the perfect metaphor to describe what's going through my head tonight.

I feel like that kite would have felt, just after its string had broken. Pretty sure that a fall was coming, but still doing my best to enjoy that which I'd just been granted. No longer bound to anything. Spinning and dancing. Relishing the freedom.

Just a small change to the main page.

I now have it selecting a random quote, selected from my 'blog entries, and displaying it instead of the static quote that used to be there.

Of course, this means more work for me because now I have to keep the quotes file updated if I write anything quote-worthy aver again.

And just now I got the idea to include a link to the original complete 'blog entry. I'll have to think about how (and if) I should go about this.

Reading through all of my old entries to select the quotes was fun though.

The other morning, Wednesday I think it was, I awoke with a jolt.

I'd been dreaming about the past, as I often do, and my dream self had done something that went against every fiber of my being. Something so wrong that even dreaming about it jerked me awake.

As I laid there, reliving the dream, and trying to figure out where did that come from I felt something shift in my head. Some long-forgotten doorway, nearly rusted shut and completely covered by cobwebs, creaked open. The sound was palpable, and the scene revealed was blinding.

That thing, that horrible thing that I'd just dreamed about, had actually happened.

This particular dream had not been a metaphor for anything - it had been a memory. A reenactment. A playback of something so terrible that I'd somehow managed to block it from my consciousness for over a decade.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, my heart threatening to leave my chest and go bouncing around the room, and I knew. I had the answer to the most important question I've ever asked myself.

What are you so afraid of?

Koko, having heard my pounding heart or my heavy breathing, rose from his own slumber and came into the room. It knew that late at night was always the best time to torment me.

It all happened so fast.

Just like that which I was remembering had happened so fast.

Koko stared at me for a few seconds, while I matched its gaze with more intensity than I'd ever mustered before, and this time, for the first time, Koko flinched first.

I didn't have to say a word. Koko could see it in my eyes. There was nothing it could ever do to sway me. Nothing it could ever do to lessen my resolve. I did have a reason for my fear, and it was as real as any fear could ever be.

Koko sighed, turned, and left my life as quickly as it had arrived, and I was left alone, completely alone, for the first time in months.

I don't know how exactly long this memory was suppressed, how long it hid dormant in my head. I don't know what triggered its sudden release during a dream. What I do know, what I do know, is that with its release I finally knew what it was that I was so afraid of that I was willing to sacrifice everything to avoid it.

That thing which I feared, it was not apathy, or laughter, or failure, or disappointment. It was not a fear of betrayal, or of disillusionment, or even of outright rejection.

That thing which I fear most, that thing which I buried for so long, that thing which I fought so hard to avoid happening that I even managed to forget it had already happened, that thing...

will have to remain my own secret.

Mine and Koko's actually.

Had a pretty good night at Rich O's. It seemed a little full of idiots, but the living room areas as open so I spent the night talking with TallLady and HomelessGirl. Nice and relaxing, Calm and pleasant.

To drink, I first had a Delirium Tremens, on tap for the first time in a long time. I've already said how much I love this beer. Next I had one of these:

Stone Imperial Stout

(draft) First off, looks fantastic. Black with a firm brown head, I was almost reluctant to drink it for fear of messing up the head. Flavor is a nice chocolate, with just a hint of bitterness about halfway through. I was a little surprised, and a little disappointed, that the ABV is so high on this one. I'd love to be able to have more than one.

For my last beer I had a Smithwick's. Yummy as always.

HomelessGirl and I talked about a lot of different shit. One of the topics that stood out was when we traded spooky real-life stories. Pretty creepy.

After I left Rich O's I wanted to listen to some karaoke, but they were closed, so I went to this bar that had been one of my dad's main hangouts for the last few years of his life.

The place has changed so much that it's barely recognizable.

I just deleted a bunch of shit here. I don't know why I bothered.