All these businesses, long ago, decided that it would be cool if their phone numbers could be used to spell out shit. This would make the numbers easier to remember.

So we got numbers like 1-800-CALL-ATT and stuff.

Phone companies started picking up on this, and started charging more for phone numbers that businesses could use this way.

Eventually, either they ran out of numbers or the businesses ran out of money, and so you don't see very many new phone numbers that spell shit anymore.

What you get, instead, is phone numbers that spell the first part of something, and the advertising is beating us to death with this:

Don't forget! Call 1-800-I-CAN-NOT-FUCKING-COUNT today!

And I just know that there are people out there dialing every single number even though the last zillion or so don't even count.

Idiots.

Found this in my inbox this morning.

Hey,

Don't know if this is going to work or not.

I'm aiming at the middle of 2005, but they tell me that there's a two-year margin of error at this distance. If you're reading this in 2003, then you're not going to know what the fuck I'm talking about. If you don't get it until 2007, well you'll have all this figured out on your own by then.

Anyway, it's me. Or perhaps I should say it's you. I'm writing from the future. They won't let me say how far into the future. They won't let me say a lot of shit actually. This technology is pretty new here and people are still nervous that somebody's going to upset the timeline and make the universe implode or something. So they're reading and pre-approving all messages into the past, making sure that nobody breaks any of their precious rules.

So, dear Dave, that means that I won't be giving you any stock tips, or winning lottery numbers, or Kentucky Derby Winners. Because that would make us rich and we just can't have that apparently. Oh the horror!

What I'll will give you here, as long as it passes the censors, is some advice.

It will get better. You know it's got to happen eventually. I myself am certain of it, because it did happen. It's all been a big misunderstanding anyway. Things will work out. Maybe not the way you want them to, but if my memory serves me right, you don't really have a clue how you want things to work out.

Eventually, you'll look back at this time and laugh, just like I laughed when reading all this crap you've been posting. To think, it all could have been averted at any time with

##### DELETED PER TIMELINE INTERFERENCE REGULATION #####

and a little bit of patience. You will get everything you need, just not everything you want. And that's okay because you don't know what either of those things are. Oh, you think that you do, but you're so young. I can't believe that

##### DELETED PER TIMELINE INTERFERENCE REGULATION #####

ago, I was as naive as you are.

So my advice to you is simple, and it's not even necessary. You already know what you have to do. Just fucking do it for once instead of doing nothing and then whining about it.

If you do this, things will start to get better. Stop being such a pussy.

Your lovely self,

Dave

Tonight I went out to Rich O's, hoping that something would piss me off enough to make today's experiment a success.

No such luck.

I ended up drinking a couple of beers that I'd already had earlier in the week.

Bells Porter

(draft) Not a thing wrong with this beer. That's the first thing I thought of. No aroma to speak of, a mild chocolate flavor that was quite yummy. No bitterness at all. An excellent session porter.

Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier Dunkel

(draft) Took a long time to drink - it's pretty filling. Very nice aroma and a good flavor. This beer has convinced me that I now like hefeweissbiers. Seemed to affect me more than its 5.3% alcohol would suggest.

The place was fairly crowded tonight, with a bunch of idiots taking up the living room area, so I just sat at the bar. Pretty boring.

I have decided to be evil today, or at least for part of today. This picture even creeps me out.

So what does my being evil mean to you, my reader?

Not much, really.

I'm going to let my anger for some things get a little bit closer to the surface, but not close enough that I'll be doing any venting here. I just need to explore a little, see how much anger I'm keeping bottled up here. Don't want to get an ulcer or anything.

The objects of my wrath will not deserve my wrath, so I'll just keep it to myself and be evil on the inside.

(update: Well that was a bust. No matter how hard I tried, the best I could manage was irritated. Angry was beyond me today.)

Man I'm putting you people to work lately. Good for you though, those asses could use some fine tuning.

First, I ask you to help me decide on vacation destinations. Thanks for the suggestions, and keep 'em coming! Labor Day is fast approaching!

Now I have another thing I'd like some help with.

I read all these 'blogs, and they all have names. Sometimes pretty cool names.

My 'blog doesn't have a name. Unless you count Barenada's 'Blog and I really don't want to count that because it's a pretty stupid name.

So I'd like to come up with a name for the thing. That way, when people put a link to me on their own 'blog sites, they can put something better than Barenada's 'Blog or Some Shithead That Vomits Words.

A couple of weeks ago somebody typed the phrase desperate to pooping into google and got led to my site. I find this phrase hilarious, because I'm a child at heart. So far, that's the number one contender for my 'blog's name. My brain is stuck on the phrase desperate to pooping and I don't seem to be able to think of any alternatives.

So, if you would be so kind, please send me some suggestions.

I took these notes during the Tuesday night show. Uses the same rating system that my American Idol reports use.

Heather: Much better than her Monday night performance. Pretty damn good in fact. Wow. (95 points)

Marty: Man this guy is fired up! He gets me fired up listening to him! (84 points!)

Daphna: Not as good as she was on Monday, but it was a pretty shitty song she was stuck with. Looked good though. (70 points)

Suzie: Hot. I think she sang too. (75 points)

Brandon: Also sang something. (70 points)

Jordis: She will be a star whether she wins this show or not. My favorite performer. Has her hair done, apparently, by the same guy that did Travolta's in Battlefield Earth. (95 points)

Mig: Stupid name. He just seems like he should be fronting a band. Maybe not this band though. (83 points)

Deanna: I just don't get it with her. (65 points)

Wil: What the fuck was that? Get off my screen you poser! (10 points)

Jessica: Great song. She should have used a sexy voice though. A little too harsh. (65 points)

Tara: Got stuck with The Eagles. Boring. (70 points)

Neal: Still stoned from Monday night. (50 points)

Ty: Damn good. This guy really rocks! (95 points)

JD: Kind of a dork. (65 points)

So I ended up with a three-way tie between Jordis, Heather, and Ty. Jordis and Ty didn't surprise me, but Heather improved a lot. She sounded great. And that Ty guy, while not looking like a rock singer, definitely sings like one. He was born for this kind of music. Jordis just continues to blow me away. I can't believe she's only 22.

Anyway, tonight the three lowest vote getters were Wil, Tara, and Suzie. Suzie really stepped it up and nailed her performance. Tara did a better job with a better song, and Wil continued to ignore the band's advice and continued to sing to the first row of women in the audience only.

Wil was sent home. Yay!

For those of you that missed the Tuesday night show, they're going to replay it Saturday night after Big Brother.

So I'm a little annoyed today with the female species. Actually, not the entire species, just a few subspecies. Namely flirticus vaginus and exus girlfriendus and sluttus major.

As long as I'm playing with lists today, here's one directed at these women:

• No means no.
• Breakup sex is supposed to be just that, not an ongoing justification.
• Don't say it if you're not going to back it up. I remember everything you say.
• Sometimes it's just not convenient to play your little games. Especially when I know I can never win that prize.
• My mood is not always about you. You can, however, make it about you if you whine enough.
• Put up or shut up.
• You have always known exactly how I felt. Hell, you knew it before I did most of the time. Don't try this guilt trip shit with me.
• If I'm ignored long enough, I will stop trying. You're not allowed to get mad when that happens.
• Yeah, right. Like that's going to work.
• Try looking in a mirror sometime.
• Cover that shit up. Nobody wants to see it.

Besides the annoyance, I'm a little bored today. Waiting for that new Rock Star: INXS show to get tivoed so I can rock out for a while.

This is part of the mens' bathroom wall at Rich O's. MisunderstoodGirl painted this months ago.

I so want a pool-themed mural in this style on my basement wall. Maybe someday.

Was asked the following question today by a regular reader:

Don't you ever wonder if maybe you're just building a mountain out of a molehill here? Maybe everything that you think makes this different is just in your head. If you imagine things to be so unusual, then you don't feel so bad for feeling so bad. You know what I mean.

You know, I have wondered this a lot. I've wondered if, by imagining that something extraordinary is happening, I'm managing to ease my own embarassment and guilt over letting it drag on for so long.

The more I think about it, however, the more I become convinced that I'm not just making shit up to ease my own concerns. I'd just love to give detailed explanations for my reasoning here, but propriety prevents me from doing so.

I'll tell what I will do. I'll summarize each thing that makes this different with one word. One word that probably won't do any of you readers any good at all, but it will be plenty to remind me of why I'm so damn confused.

One of these I actually touched on yesterday.

• reincarnation
• irritation
• suddenness
• masturbation
• sacrifice
• insomnia
• decoration
• gorilla
• hair
• fishing

Now, feel free to let your imaginations run wild!

Now, I'm absolutely not saying that all of this is new and unique. I'm sure that zillions of others have gone through the same thing. How else can you explain the country music industry? Or Hell, the music industry in general?

What I am sure of, however, is that this is all new to me. That's why it, and her, have been so fascinating that even with the pain I still relish this period.