Not much of a quiz really, but what other category should I put this in?

The other day I added this page to list some of the strange search strings that lead people to my site.

What I failed to anticipate was that, by listing these gems, I was skewing the search engine results.

So now, for example, if someone googles i like to smell my own butt it's pretty likely that this site will be one of the first ones returned.

This is completely unfair to those people who are desperately seeking other autoanalolfactory perverts and only finding me.

So what I've done is, I've added a META tag in the file obscure.shtml to prevent well-behaved search robots from archiving that page.

Now, once the already archived versions of the page expire from the search sites, the perverts will be free to search, unimpeded, for things like eating human testicles and happy crotch.

Man I'm tired.

My early morning excitement has gradually been overtaken and surpassed by the realization that there is virtually no scenario I can imagine wherein all this ends well.

I just noticed that I've used the word wherein three times in two days. I really need to buy a thesaurus.

Anyway, to die in my sleep has always seemed like one of the worst ways to go. A life should be experienced, and that should include the end of a life. To go out in a plane crash, or a fire, or a shooting, to feel something right up to and including the last moments of life - that's how I want to go.

I don't want to go to sleep one night and just never wake up. I want to SCREAM my last breath.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this - it just doesn't seem right to let things fade away. Some things deserve a grand exit. Some things deserve closure. Some things do not deserve to be pushed aside so they can fade over time and eventually be forgotten completely.

Abrupt topic shift here...

After work today I met up with RealTrainGirl at Rich O's. I had an NABC Bourbondaddy. After a while MisunderstoodGirl and GreenBeerDude came in. Tomorrow is MisunderstoodGirl's birthday, and they're going to this Mac & Cheese's bar that I don't really like. I don't know if I'm going or not. I don't like the bar and it's a Tuesday night. It's Amazing Race night, and I have to work Wednesday. We'll see.

Oh yeah, Roger told me that Rich O's will have Newcastle on tap for a while! I'd like to be able to figure out a way to convince him to carry it all the time but he thinks it competes with one of their NABC beers. I think the only similarity is the alcohol content. I'm very much looking forward to being able end my sessions with Newcastle for the next few weekends.

Another abrupt topic shift here...

I'm feeling a little guilty about this past weekend. I have no reason to feel this way, but a lack of reason has never stopped me before. It's not like I'm going to do anything about it - it's just an observation.

Man I'm tired.

...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
- Sherlock Holmes

This is one of those entries that will probably make sense only to me. That's okay though, it is my 'blog.

Of all the questions I've had scratching away at my brain over the past year or so, I've managed to find the answers to most of them. Sometimes the answer surprised me, sometimes it disappointed me, sometimes it made me happy. But always always always it provided a huge sense of relief.

Just being able to know - to no longer have to guess - I'm not sure that I can describe how freeing it's been for me.

Of course nothing is ever perfect. I haven't been able to find the answers to several questions. Either the answers are hidden, or I'm just not looking in the correct place. Either way, these remaining questions still scratch and pick inside me.

Thinking about these unanswered questions, I've realized that they're all related. They all lead to the same thing. They all lead to same master question that, if answered, would explain everything.

Of all of the types of questions you hear about, this is the toughest kind. It's not who, what, where, when, or how. This is a why question.

I started my quest for the answer to this question a long time ago. I've examined, and discarded, an awful lot of possible answers.

I got down to four possibilities, and I realized that I was getting close to the truth.

Theory T.B. just doesn't hold up to close inspection. There is not enough luck (good or bad) in the universe to allow T.B. to answer this question. Until last month T.B. was one of the leading contenders, but it's pretty much out of the race now.

Theory C.I. at first seems a little more promising. It would explain everything that's happened, BUT it would not explain those things that have not happened. C.I. should produce results that are much more random than what's been observed, yet all the results so far have been greatly skewed to the negative. For C.I. to be the answer there should have been some good in there too.

This morning I awoke to the realization that I'd narrowed the possibilities down to two.

I am sooooo close.

The first of the final contenders is theory E.G.. It is actually an extension of theory T.B.. Theory E.G. would explain the uncanny precision of what I've observed - especially what I've observed over the last month or two.

Finally, I have theory F.A. to consider. I'm extremely familiar with this concept because (a) it's one of my biggest fears, and (b) it's the explanation for the questions several people have asked about my actions.

Neither of these remaining theories have any real evidence against them. Looked at objectively, they seem to be equally possible answers - except for one thing. Theory E.G. just doesn't feel right. It requires too much effort, too much animosity, too much evil. It could be the answer, but I just don't think so.

So that leaves theory F.A. as the most likely answer. I don't have to like it, but I think this just might be the answer I've been looking for. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot find any substantial fault with it. It would be a hell of a coincidence, and a total fuckwad of a situation, but I cannot simply dismiss it because I don't like it.

Anyway, the really nice thing about getting down to these two possibilities, the thing that had me springing out of bed at 4:00 AM to write this entry, the thing that I never ever ever EVER thought would happen, is that (get this, it's important) whichever proves to be the real answer, it will mean that it's not all my fault.

This is just so huge that I'll probably have another one of those days - unseen since November - wherein I cannot stop grinning and giggling.

At this point, I don't care what the answer is. I'd still like to know, but it's no longer imperative for me to find the answer. I may find it some day. People do generally have big mouths after all.

This morning I got Burger King breakfast for me and VigilanteGirl. I ordered the same thing I've always ordered - two Croissanwhatevers with sausage egg and cheese, and an order of hash browns.

I didn't even finish the first Croissanwhatever. I think my stomach is shrinking or something.

Early in the afternoon I tried to mow my yard. It's dried out enough but the temperature outside was about 60 and I'd guess that the wind chill was about minus 342. I only got the front yard mowed before I gave up.

Got a call from TrainGirl!

She had, as I'd figured, already heard about MiddleNameGuy's passing. We just did a little bit of catching up. She says she's happy where she's at, and she sounded happy, but then again she always sounded happy to me. She also asked that question I hate but it didn't bother me, coming from her.

I complained a little to her that Rich O's has lost a lot of its appeal to me. Most of the women that used to frequent the place have either moved out of state or are going to other bars. There are a few leftovers from the old days, like TallLady and Bubbles, but for the most part the women that have been coming into Rich O's lately are so LOUD that they get irritating very quickly. At least my old female friends could hold their alcohol.

The only other thing I've done today is play pool.

So I've got this car. I love this car. I've always spared no expense in keeping it running and looking its best.

I never drive it in the rain. I wash it almost every time I take it out. There is never a speck of trash in the thing.

I take such good care of the car that - I'm scared to drive it lest I damage it somehow.

I'm so afraid of getting a door ding in it that I keep it garaged and only put 100 miles or so on it every year.

I'm so afraid of screwing it up that I get almost no enjoyment out of it.

I'm so paranoid about driving it that I ended up letting it sit and get chewed on by mice all Winter.

What's the sense in having something if you can't allow yourself to enjoy it, and use it for what it's meant for?

If it's not used then it's just going to deteriorate.

I've said before, sometimes life provides its own metaphors. This is a good one.

The purpose of having a nice car is to drive it, enjoy it. Even though there's always a risk of damaging it. To have a nice car that only sits in the garage is a waste.

I've resolved to enjoy my Monte Carlo. To risk the door dings. To let it do what it's meant to do. To be driven.

But the car is just a metaphor. The real question is...

Now that I finally have a functioning heart again, shouldn't I be willing to take the same chances with it?

Wouldn't it be worth the risk?

Perhaps, (back to the metaphor here, try and keep up) but what if it wasn't such a nice car?

What if it was a piece of shit?

What if, by taking this car out on the road, I was endangering the lives of innocent people?

Not so clear now, is it?

Tonight I took it fairly easy on the beer.

I drove my Monte Carlo to Rich O's and decided that it was probably more of a cop magnet than my truck or my Intrepid so all I drank was a draft Mad Bitch and then a couple bottles of Newcastle.

I spent the bulk of the evening talking with ExBartender about shit that I've been going through and lessons I've learned. The guy is a damn good listener and, after several threats, I managed to convince him to resist his urge to try to help.

I hope.

The thing is, the situation is not broken, so it doesn't need fixing. Things are as they are. They are good, they are bad, they are all things in between. There is balance, there is acceptance, there is resolve.

I'm pretty sure I managed to drive those points into his head.

I hope.

Another thing I did tonight was try to call TrainGirl to make sure she'd heard the news about MiddleNameGuy. I ended up leaving her a voice mail, saying I didn't want her to hear about it in that format so she should call me.

She ended up calling later but I didn't notice my phone ringing so I missed the call.

Now I'm realizing that if she reads this 'blog she definitely knows the news already.

For rodent control in the detached garage, what I ended up buying was a couple of these electric doohickeys that are supposed to keep pests away through some nerve irritation or some such.

Just in case they don't work, I also bought a catch-and-release mouse trap.

I figure that if I catch mice in the trap then the electronic doohickeys aren't working and I may have to move on to more drastic measures.

(response to message)

I seem to keep responding to my private messages in this public 'blog. I've been trying to control that urge, but this one is pretty harmless I think.

I actually saw the search string for Polly's Freeze show up in my server logs. I was a little curious when I saw the Oklahoma IP address - thought it might be Brian or Teresa or Marty - I have no idea where they are these days.

I certainly remember you guys. I bought a lot of t-shirts from your dad, and Eric and I were probably not as nice to you kids as we should have been.

We called you Moical and Wobbie. Which one are you?

Oh, and I should probably point out that Dina is my younger sister. You have to be careful about accusing a woman of being older than 40 when she's actually still in her 30s.

I understand that when they used your old house for Fire Department training it was quite a sight. I'd liked to have seen it, but it probably would have been a little sad as well.

(Update: Apparently you are Moical. Donna told me that she thinks Wobbie is still around this area. Hi Moical!)

Got my Monte Carlo back yesterday.

I had all of the necessary repairs done except for new mufflers and tailpipes. Those can wait until later in the Summer.

So I spent $1500 because I didn't condition the gas before I let the car sit all winter and because I didn't do anything to control the mice in the garage.

So today I'm taking the Monte Carlo out to buy some poison or some traps or something. I may find something that will just keep them from getting into the car. I'd prefer that to killing the poor things.

We shall see.

The car is running great though.