Back in February I did a little experiment.

Today (actually, yesterday) I tried another one.

For my after-work beer I had my usual NABC Noble Smoker. Once I had that glass down to about 1/2 full I ordered a 10oz. glass of NABC's Tunnel Vision and dumped it in with the Noble Smoker.

This experiement did not turn out as well as the previous one had.

I think, because the Noble Smoker is not as strongly-flavored as the Rogue Smoke was, a 1-to-1 ratio was probably not the best combination.

It was still good, but I think it would be better made with two parts Noble Smoker to one part Tunnel Vision.

Here are some pics I've cleaned off my phone.

It's kind of hard to tell from this picture, but that's WorldsHottestGirl sitting over there in the red room.

Just took this picture from the red room. This was the first time I'd ever sat at this table.

SpoonsGirl has a purse that exactly matches this lampshade. It's uncanny, really.

That's my house. Or at least what it looked like in the Spring of 2002.

Today I have a gray roof, and the clubhouse in the backyard is gone.

TerraServer USA

Had a bit of a snafu hit my Las Vegas plans today.

It turns out that Mandalay Bay will not, as advertised earlier, be holding rooms for those of us wanting to extend our stay beyond the conference end date. In fact, they're kicking us all out on the 17th as they've sold out their rooms.

They're also not able to accommodate any arrivals prior to the 15th for the same reason.

To make a long story short, this means that I needed to find rooms for the day before the conference and for the three days I'll be staying in Las Vegas after the conference ends.

So, get this. I'll arrive on the 14th and check into the Luxor. The very next day I'll repack my shit and move over to Mandalay Bay. Two days later I'll repack my shit again and move back to the Luxor and stay for three nights.

Pretty fucked up way to run a vacation.

You know how you're driving in the snow at night and the flakes all seem to be flying towards you in the illumination from your headlights and it's kind of chaotic and hypnotic at the same time?

Well, it's not a very accurate metaphor for what's going on with me right now, but I still thinks it's cool.

I'm taking a break.

Not a break from posting.

Just a break from posting anything interesting.

It won't be a long break - maybe a week at the most. And the good news (for me at least) is that I'll still be writing, and I'll probably post everything I've written once this break is over.

My reasons for this break are numerous:

1. Things are unraveling and reweaving at a pretty strong pace in my head and in my life right now. I don't want to post something only to have it made obsolete by the next thought I have or the next thing that happens. I need to have some time to edit and check for some semblance of continuity before I publish anything.

2. Right now, I'm the happiest I've been since November. I don't want to spoil this mood by ruminating on the various possibilities of what could happen this week.

3. Yay!

4. What's going to happen is, frankly, what's supposed to happen. I don't want to influence anything by making predictions or posting reactions until it's all over.

5. Some things are not anybody's business.

6. This will, one way or another, be the end of an era. I want anything I write about it to be both good and accurate. I'll need to take my time with these writings, and having a self-imposed daily deadline just won't do.

7. See number 4 above.

8. Yay!

9. I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago. I'm not even the same person I was 24 hours ago. I need to finish solidifying and then let the new me decide what should, and what should not be posted.

In the time between now and when things have settled down, I'll probably still be posting to this 'blog. I'll just be posting bullshit that, according to the latest polls, nobody cares about.

So, loyal readers, don't fret that I've become boring again, just hours after I'd finally posted something interesting. My life promises to be quite interesting for the next several days, and you'll be able to read about it later.

Just not right now. I've got a nervous breakdown to attend.

Y...Yttrium
You scored 38 Mass, 13 Electronegativity, 53 Metal, and 0 Radioactivity!

Yttrium? Yttrium??? You're messing with me, right? That's not a real element. Really? If you say so. Okay... how about: You are really a solitary creature, and you're somewhat set in your ways. You work, consciously or subconsciously, towards the betterment of society, but I guess you do this by befriending its strangest elements. You're kind of a spaceman, but in the end you're allright. You try to be with the benign weirdos of the world because, by goodness, no one else will. Oh, it says here that you are abundant on the moon. Interpret as you will.

The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on OkCupid Online Dating

It seems that there was a sporting event of some kind last night. People stayed home to watch, then when it was over, I guess they all went and threw themselves off the Sherman Minton bridge. Whatever people were doing, they weren't at Rich O's.

Here's Rich O's at 8:45 on a Saturday night:

LaptopGirl and I used to say, on those nights when Rich O's was dead, that all of the cool people must be at some fantastic party. A party to which we weren't invited. Last night was like I was the one having the party, but nobody felt like coming.

Anyway, the place was dead. I caught a glimpse of CoffeeDude, and DisgustingMakeoutCouple showed up after a while, but other than that it was me and the bartenders. By the time I left at midnight a whopping dozen or so strangers had managed to push aside their grief over some guys scoring more points than some other guys, so the place was only quiet, no longer dead.

To drink, I had (surprise!) an NABC Noble Smoker. DayShiftDude recommended a Schlenkerla Fastenbier so I had a half-pint of that.

Schlenkerla Fastenbier

Supposedly lighter in smoke than Schlenkerla's other rauchbiers, and I guess that's right because I didn't feel like I was eating a charcoal briquette. I'd say it was pretty good for one glass. By the time I finished my second glass I was pretty much smoked out.

I drank my beers in a silence interrupted only by the occasional interloper to the living room area. I had some news on my mind that I was trying to come to grips with. Not sure that I really made any progress, and any that I did make was overshadowed later, so I guess the night was pretty much a wash for me.

Oh, yeah. I stopped and protected VigilanteGirl from some mumbling crazy guy. He was really creepy so I stayed for a while to make sure he didn't come back.

I'm such a stud.

There have certainly been worse things said to me over the years, but I'll be damned if I can think of one right now.

Usually these things come in the heat of the moment. During an argument or a disagreement. They can, and should, be taken with a grain of salt. The context can lessen the sting.

But sometimes, sometimes you never see it coming. Sometimes there's no malice, no anger. Sometimes there are no extenuating circumstances to lessen the blow.

I paraphrase here:

Sorry, I didn't know I had to broadcast it to everyone.

Ouch.

With that single statement, that single pseudo-apology, everything that I've been through, every feeling I've fought, every torment I've endured, it was all dismissed as irrelevant.

No, not irrelevant. Not even insignificant. Like it never even happened. Not erased, but never even written.

Well, fuck that.

No malice. No anger. Just a simple innocent statement that showed me my place, and stung me more than pity or mockery or even animosity ever could have.

All of the times my mind has run rampant, all of the times I lay awake all night as scenario after scenario careened through my head, this was one I never saw coming. This I never even considered.

I'll say it again.

Ouch.

Last night I went to Rich O's.

I'll give you a few seconds to recover from that shocking news.

...

...

...

Okay, now breathe. It'll be okay. The Sun'll come out tomorrow.

Actually, the night started out with other plans. My sister Dina had called me to say that she and SpoonsGirl would be at a bar called O'Shea's in Louisville, and I figured that I'd go there and hang out with them.

Right after I left home, however, Dina called me to tell me that O'Shea's had been boring and that they were now at a place on Market called Farmer Brown's or some such.

A few relayed questions to the bartender confirmed that this Buster Brown's or wherever had only piss on tap, and I told Dina that I'd be going to Rich O's after all.

They joined me, and we spent a few hours in the red room talking about various stuff.

At one point this guy (one of those fucking pretty boys that always gets his way that I hate) tried to pick up one or both of the girls with the classic line, "I'm going to the store, do either of you need anything?"

My sister rattled off a shopping list consisting of feminine hygiene products and various ointments and creams. It was quite funny.

To drink, I had (of course) a couple pints of of NABC Noble Smoker. Dina had two "peachy things" which I guess were Lindemann's, and SpoonsGirl had something so boring I can't remember. Probably Spaten Lager.

After I left I went to listen to some karaoke with my cousin. There was a girl there that I went to school with but didn't really know. I will say that BigHairGirl is aging quite well.

Once I got home I played pool, pausing every minute or so to glare at my cell phone, until about 4:00 then went to bed.

Last night my sister confirmed that my 'blog has become boring.

This wasn't exactly a huge revelation. I know that I'm having a hard time being creative.

There's just not much interesting going on right now. Even my trip to Maine was nothing more than a diversion from what's become a pretty mundane existence.

Oh I could write some shit. I get into these little moods and sometimes I do write some shit. Those of you who read this 'blog late last night or early this morning may have seen such an entry. I got irritated and wrote about it. Then this morning I deleted the entry. The thing is, I'm not sure, deep down, if I was actually irritated with her or with myself. I'm not sure if it was the mistreatment that bothered me, or the possibility that my reaction to it was actually part of a much larger problem. A problem that I often think I've pushed away. A 900-pound gorilla.

So I deleted the entry, and in doing so, made my 'blog more boring than it was.

I don't like being boring, any more than I like being bored, but when I remember the things that have injected interest into my life over the last several months, I have to admit, boring is a bit of a relief.

Plus, there are things looming on the horizon that should provide interest for me and for you readers. Things that I'd like to say I'm prepared for, but I don't even know what's going to happen. I coined the term dreadicipation for what I've been feeling, and I think it's a pretty good word for my mood most of the time.

I spent a good chunk, nearly 40 years, of my life living in the present. I spent a good chunk of the last few months living in the past. These days I look to the future. I look for answers to questions that have been nagging at me.

When will I feel whole again, and when I do, what kind of person will I be? Am I the phoenix, about to rise from the flames as if nothing had happened, or am I the butterfly, struggling to escape from my cocoon and try out my new wings?

Have I really managed to claw my way out of this chasm I fell into? Am I really safe?

What will happen when I face my greatest fear? Will I lose all of the progress I've made? Can I regain that balance that I lost last Summer?

Will I remember the lessons learned, or am I doomed to repeat them?

The answers I seek are out there. It's only a matter of time before I find them.

Or they find me.