I've already mentioned that Saturday night we played a game called Loaded Questions. This is a game where everyone answers a question and the person whose turn it is has to try and guess who answered what. It's a fun game.

One of the questions that came up was What will you be doing in ten years?

I reflexively answered Kicking myself in the ass.

The more I think about it, the more I think I may have answered truthfully. But not for the things you may imagine. Not for the big things. It's the little things that nag at me.

The big, world-shattering mistakes I've made, painful and embarrassing as they were, are what made me what I am today.

Such as I am.

Once the initial discomfort has passed I no longer regret these far-reaching actions any more than I regret breathing.

There are, however, a whole bunch of little stupid and mean things I've done or said (or not done or not said) that I'd really like to forget.

I kick myself in the ass about what a jerk I was to that one girl back in eighth grade. She's certainly forgotten all about me by now, but I could have made her night a lot better than it was.

I kick myself in the ass about being so wrapped up with a new girlfriend that I let my all-time favorite waitress move away from Omaha without even a goodbye - let alone the hug I knew she wanted.

I kick myself in the ass for the way my friend Kelly and I used to turn on our friend Todd and make him go home crying.

Then there are the countless times that I've said the wrong thing to someone that I cared about and ended up starting a fight over it.

You know, I could probably go on for days, listing all of the times I was an asshole to someone. Every time I'm reminded of one of these incidents I'm a little embarrassed for myself. It's hard for me to accept that indeed I was that much of a prick, a shithead, an insensitive pig.

I think the thing is that I'm not that person, and I really never was. Those isolated incidents were just that: isolated. Just because I lied to a girl in the eighth grade doesn't make me a liar. Just because I hit a kid when I was five doesn't make me a bully.

Those things are not me. They're some other guy who's not nearly as nice as I am. I would never behave like that, although I have and probably will again.

The large-scale mistakes are another story entirely. I cannot shrug off the major fuck ups I've had. They are me, and without them I wouldn't be me. I'd be a happier person perhaps, a more content person certainly, but I'd also be so boring that even I couldn't stand to be around myself.

We learn from our mistakes as the saying goes. I wouldn't want to unlearn those lessons or erase those scars. They're me.

Those little things, though, I'll keep kicking myself in the ass over those. They piss me off.

Well I guess I've got my Las vegas after-work activities planned out.

Step one: Drink some Tilted Kilt.

Step two: Repeat.

If they don't have the (seasonal) Tilted Kilt I'll substitute Newcastle.

Any other activites, such as taking in some shows, seem just too daunting for me right now.

I'll be staying at The Rio, which does still have a couple of shows that I may decide to see.

One good thing about travelling alone is that I can buy single tickets to just about any show right at the last minute.

B-day greetz to my lil sister Dina, yo!

Last night several people came to my house for my sister Dina's pre-birthday party.

My beer selection was pretty straightforward: I had three and a half Mad Bitches and they messed me up. Good thing I didn't have to drive anywhere!

We played a game of Loaded Questions and I thought it'd be fun to post my responses here. Unfortunately I can't find my answer sheet so I'll have to go from memory. I know for a fact that I've forgotten at least two of my answers.

1. Calzone, pizza, garlic bread.

2. Socrates.

3. Steven Wright.

4. Scooby Doo.

5. Piano.

6. Alaskan oil drilling.

7. Garth Brooks.

8. Suburban sprawl fucking up what used to be pristine.

9. Beach Dork.

10. Wrist.

11. Snobby people.

12. F in wood shop.

13. The Fuzzy Wuzzy Kitty Store.

14. Kicking myself in the ass.

15. Don't watch commercials - I have TiVo!

16. Pool cues.

17. Ribbed condoms: for her pleasure.

18. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

19. Jerk off with all ten penises at once.

20. September 11, 2001, 8:00 AM.

21. Chess.

22. VigilanteGirl.

23. Whip it out.

Three times.

That's how many times VigilanteGirl called me last night while I was at Rich O's. This makes a total of three times that she's ever called me. Our flirting has always been face-to-face, but now I'm wondering if we've graduated to phone flirting.

I spent the first part of the night at Rich O's standing around waiting for a seat to open up somewhere. I'm really starting to develop a selfish concern for the way Rich O's has been on Fridays lately. I mean, if the place becomes too hip and popular, the crowds of Spaten and Heineken and Corona drinkers will drive us regulars away. Or at least drive me away. I really wanted to leave right off the bat but RealTrainGirl and GreenBeerDude arrived and gave me something to do besides stand around and glare at all the strangers.

Finally, some strangers left the island area and we all grabbed seats. MisunderstoodGirl was with us too. The last time I saw her I kind of got a fuck you, asshole vibe from her, a vibe that I thankfully did not detect last night.

I finished my Mad Bitch at about the second time VigilanteGirl called, this time with an update on the goings-on at a really loud bar that I had no interest in going to. She hinted that her entourage might come down to Rich O's later so I decided to pace myself and therefore ordered an NABC Beak's Best.

After a while, my companions left for quieter pursuits and were replaced by ExBartender - not exactly an even trade but still a little better than sitting by myself would have been.

By the third time VigilanteGirl called, this time to tell me she was on her way, I'd switched to root beer.

By the time I'd finished my root beer another hour and a half had passed, and I was alone at the island.

I drove up to the loud bar, and saw nobody I knew there, so I went home and played Half Life 2 for a while.

I'd better start freaking out now. Maybe that way I can avoid a total meltdown later.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

One of the downsides to having a 'blog that people know about is...that people know about it.

Sometimes they even read it.

Sometimes they read a 'blog, decide that the person doing the writing is vulnerable, rebounding, or whatever, and that's when they make their move.

Somebody just made their move on me.

If this had happened a couple of months ago, things would be different indeed.

But as things stand now all this has done is confuse the issues tumbling around in my head.

Must...not...write...

No...body's...business...

Want...a...beer.

I may as well cover all the bases. These are what I see to be my top ten assets, in no particular order.

1. I'll put myself through torture rather than hurt someone I care about. The other person is always first.

2. I'm almost painfully honest. If you ask me a question you should be prepared for the answer I give. I will keep my mouth shut rather than lie.

3. I'm pretty good at putting myself into others' shoes, at least as far as I know about what they're going through.

4. I get along well with just about everyone.

5. I'm pretty funny at times, even when it's just in my own head.

6. If I care about you, you need to hurt me pretty badly before I'll ever say anything about it. No sense in two people feeling bad, I figure.

7. I believe there's good in almost everyone, and I don't rely on first impressions. You almost always get more chances with me.

8. My interests are wide-ranging enough that I can carry on a conversation with just about anyone.

9. When I screw up I realize it pretty quickly and I will freely admit to, and apologize for, my mistakes.

10. I enjoy my own company, so I must not be that bad.

To continue the theme of the preceding entry, here are my top ten flaws. Actually, these are flaws as others might see them. To me, they're just part of being me. Again, these are in no particular order except the order I thought of them in.

1. My standards for female attractiveness are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too high for someone like me.

2. I use my high standards in an attempt to keep myself out of relationships, and therefore somewhat safe from harm.

3. At times, I've forgotten that respecting others' privacy is more important than telling an interesting story.

4. I don't take rejection, even inferred rejection, very well at all.

5. I have a strong desire to be liked by everyone, and if I disagree with what someone is saying I'll often keep quiet rather than express my own opinion. Then I'll find someone who shares my opinion and talk about how stupid the first person is.

6. I'm not very good at trusting others. I'm the jealous type, but I'll usually just fume internally instead of saying anything.

7. I'm often so uncomfortable in large groups that I'll either avoid them or stay as far off to the side as far as I can. To me, Thanksgiving dinner is one of the worst forms of torture.

8. I tend to see only the best or the worst in things and people around me, depending on my current mood. I have a hard time seeing things as a whole. I'm an optimistic during good times and a pessimist in bad times.

9. I often imagine a person being a certain way, then when they turn out differently, I treat it like it was a personal affront.

10. I cannot take a hint if I don't like what the hint suggests. Even if the hints are coming from myself.