I might not have time to write this. I've got to leave soon, as I'm having lunch with HatGirl then I'm going shopping for booze.

Anyway, the other night LaptopGirl emailed me this thing about a bunch of kids saying what love was. I replied with my own definition of, "Love is when a person's happiness is essential to your own happiness."

I didn't make that up. It's pretty much straight from Robert Heinlein. But I do agree with it.

Moving on to last night, I found myself talking with HatGirl and LaptopGirl about the different types of attraction. Sexual, friendly, protective, comfortable, romantic, things like that. I could probably, with a little more effort, list a dozen more types of attractions but, like I said, I don't have much time right now.

The thought that just jumped into my head was that I need to change my definition of what love is.

I think that love just might be when every possible type of attraction exists at the same time for the same person. That's why it seems so damn overwhelming and confusing.

I should expand on this entry, but I probably won't. It's a little too close to home for me.

I keep having this problem, when I go to write my beer reports. I almost invariably think of one or two things that I shouldn't write about. Usually the most important and/or interesting things. And because I can't write everything that I really want to write, I ended up losing motivation to write anything at all.

Anyway, Thursday night was packed. Standing-room only for much of the night. My theory is that the regular Thursday weirdoes have somehow learned to reproduce themselves. If I'm right about this, then the world is about to become a very scary place.

So for the first hour or so, I stood in the annex area and glared at everyone. I had a new beer:

Maredsous 10

(draft) Hazy bronze. Huge heaping head. Aroma and flavor a little faint for a tripel. I was astonished to discover that this beer has 10% ABV - it's almost undetectable. I like this, but there are many better tripels out there.

By the time I was finished with this, a seat had opened up at the island. I sat and talked with MusicalYuppieDude and FirstGirl and CrackerDude.

FirstGirl was having a beer that looked intriguing, so that's what I had next:

Glazen Toren Saison dErpe-Mere

(draft) Yellow with a slight haze. Very good head and lacing. At first, it seemed a little watery, but then subtle flavors of apple peels and sour apples became evident. Pretty good.

Some people came and some people arrived. Specifically, MusicalYuppieDude and CrackerDude and FirstGirl left, and OddlyFamiliarGirl arrived, and then MusicalYuppieDude came back. I had yet another new beer:

Ommegang Three Philosophers

(draft) Clear dark reddish brown. Huge head that lasted forever. Aroma and flavor both surprisingly understated, with malts and a hint of cherries. Very smooth. Very good.

At one point, I did something I'd never done before at Rich O's. I spilled an entire beer. The damn glass just slipped out of my hand. Or maybe somebody pushed it. Or maybe it jumped. Though it didn't seem depressed to me. Whatever, it fell about six inches onto the island and broke. There was beer everywhere, especially on my pants and shirt. So that was embarrassing.

I made sure to text TremensGirl about what I'd done. I gave her shit once when she spilled a beer, and I felt that it was only fair that she be allowed to return the favor.

Once I'd managed to clean up the mess, I got a new glass of the same beer. It was yet another new beer for me:

Bluegrass Grand Old Fella

(draft) Their Jefferson's Reserve Bourbon Barrel Stout, but aged for three years. The results are a much more intense bourbon aroma and flavor. Still pretty good, but maybe a touch too intense for me. I like the regular version better.

After that, I just sat around for a while, talking mostly with OddlyFamiliarGirl. Then I came home at midnight or so.

---

Friday night was much better, crowd-wise. Or it at least seemed that way because I got to sit on the loveseat right away. To start the night, I had one of those Glazen Toren Saisons (24) and enjoyed it a lot. I was a little disappointed to find that it had 7.5% ABV in it, because that meant I couldn't drink it all night. I had to pace myself.

So next I had a bottle of Schlenkerla Marzen (3253) which was yummy as always. I suppose I talked to PearlGirl while I sat there, but mostly I think I just watched the door.

My next beer was a bottle of yummy Rogue Chocolate Stout (2509), and I nursed that for at least two hours. I very much prefer it in draft form. I hope it comes back on tap soon. Hint hint.

At 9:30 or so, all the cool stuff started happening. I was outside talking to RockGirl on the phone, telling her about how I'd almost given up on LaptopGirl showing up for the night, and my phone beeped to announce an incoming call. I suppose the dramatic thing would have been if it was LaptopGirl calling. It wasn't, but it was just as good. It was HatGirl! She wanted to know how crowded it was. I lied my ass off fudged the truth and told her there were plenty of seats, and she said she would be there shortly.

About an hour later, I'd not only given up on LaptopGirl, but I was starting to give up on HatGirl as well. But then HatGirl finally arrived.

HatGirl!

Yay!

As had been prearranged, MusicalYuppieDude vacated the loveseat so that HatGirl could sit with me. We talked about various stuff, such as how it had been trillions of years since we'd last seen each other. I took her out front to show her the poster that looks like her.

When we got back to the loveseat, LaptopGirl finally emailed me asking what was going on. I replied that it was all drunken debauchery, as usual. So then LaptopGirl came in. I introduced them. I used their real names, but I had a very strong urge to introduce them to each other as HatGirl and LaptopGirl.

Now, I'd been concerned, after HatGirl had arrived, that if LaptopGirl showed up as well I'd pay all of my attention to LaptopGirl. She has this effect on me where everyone else fades into the background. I didn't want HatGirl to fade into the background. Well, I think I did a pretty good job of talking to both of them. It didn't hurt that I was squeezed into the loveseat between them. It was quite warm, sitting there. And I'm not talking about the temperature.

This was about when I ordered an NABC 15B Porter (372).

Anyway, by the time HatGirl needed to leave, I guess this one dude was being strange, so I walked HatGirl out to her car. We talked for a few minutes in the parking lot, mostly about her upcoming wedding, and we both shivvered the whole time.

When I got back inside, some dork had stolen my seat next to LaptopGirl, so I sat at the kiddie table and talked to her from there. I guess she must have been bored at Rich O's, because she wanted to go to this my bar place nearby. We went there, but we didn't go inside because (a) there was crappy music audible from the parking lot, and (b) they had a cover charge for their stupid DJ, and (c) there was some emergency brewing at LaptopGirl's house, like the baby was waking up or something equally disastrous.

So we went back to Rich O's and talked for a few more minutes until she left. I left a few minutes later, my night complete.

There's this thing, this oath, in the justice system. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, it says.

Well, this latest conversation bit of meddling that I've heard about is one in which the truth was spoken. The truth, but not the whole truth. Not even fucking close to the whole truth.

The whole truth in this situation is something that I alone know. Everyone else is just guessing and extrapolating. And I wish that people would stop speaking their half truths on my behalf. Because it's not doing any good. No good at all. Harm, in fact.

Misinformed appeasement is unfair. It's a lie. It's a delay of the inevitable.

Attracted.

That's the word that's stuck in my head tonight.

What an incredible understatement that is.

I've asked that people stop meddling. I'm now starting to realize that I've been asking for something that cannot be done. So, I'm amending my request.

How about, instead of making shit up when you feel the need to express your opinion, how about just saying, "I don't know. You should ask Dave."

Put the fucking burden on me, where it belongs.

So today, instead of flinging myself off the top of the nearest tall building, I figured that I'd try HatGirl one more time. I was really starting to freak out, and I sent her a message telling her as much.

She responded!

Yay!

We traded a couple of emails. I guess most notable was that she looked at my entry from Monday and called the resemblance "scary."

She did not offer an opinion as to whether her ass is better than the one in the poster.

---

On another front, I keep saying that the tiniest little things can mean all the difference to me. Tonight someone declined an invitation I'd made. But it was still very cool, because I was expecting no answer at all. Even the tiny little act of turning down my invitation will end up being one of the high points of my week.

---

I think I'm going to try to take a day of vacation Friday. I've still got a lot of hours that I need to use or lose by the end of April. I'll most likely have to work several hours on Friday but, as I said last week, I can work from home and I won't have to put on clothes. Plus, having Friday off means that I can go to Rich O's Thursday night.

---

Saturday I go booze shopping. I'm trying to put together a list of stuff to buy, so if you know me you can send me an email and I'll add your choice to my list.

---

Tonight I watched this stupid I Am Legend movie. I also had most of a bottle of Left Hand Snow Bound (112). I say most of a bottle because I managed to backhand the glass onto the floor at one point. Oops.

---

I think that's it for now.

---

Oh, wait. LaptopGirl told me that I'd be sad when I found out who got eliminated from American Idol tonight. She probably thinks that I'd be sad if Ramiele was voted off, so that's going to be my guess.

I was trying to figure something out last night. I lay in my bed, not even attempting to pretend that sleep would be coming anytime soon, but rather just because it seemed to be the thing to do between the hours of midnight and 7:00 AM. My cat Nugget seemed to sense that something was going on. He wouldn't leave me alone.

I lay in my bed. I played sheet monster with Nugget. Every now and then, for a while, I picked up my phone and made sure it was still working. When that got boring, I placed my phone on my chest, and I tried to figure something out. I tried to decide something.

Well, my phone never did ring. That's good for at least two reasons. The first reason is that it probably would have given me a heart attack. The second reason is that I never did figure anything out. I never did decide shit.

I really need to be careful, because this is all seeming very familiar to me. The names may have changed, but the circumstances are the same. It's like a remake of an old movie or something.

I suppose that some would call this irony. Or poetic justice, perhaps.

I, myself, would call it bullshit.

I tell myself that I need to make a choice. One or the other. A or B. I tell myself this even though I know that no choice is possible and that no choice was ever possible. What will happen is what will happen, and I have a feeling that I might be as surprised as anyone. Or maybe not. I mean, I think I know exactly which path I'd take.

But I've been wrong before. At least a couple of times.

Well, that was clear as mud, wasn't it?

I have now been told, by three different people, that the girl in this beer poster at Rich O's looks uncannily like Hatgirl.

I can no longer ignore these observations. So I figured I'd post this entry and let those readers who know HatGirl decide for themselves.

Above is the full poster. I will admit a slight resemblance if I ignore the fact that HatGirl no longer wears glasses and her hair is now much shorter than that.

Here's a close-up of the facial area of the poster:

Okay, it does seem to look like HatGirl. Except HatGirl's horns are not nearly so pronounced. This chick certainly has that hot librarian look that HatGirl is so famous for.

Here's a close-up of the assial area of the poster:

I, of course, would never ever look as HatGirl's ass. She's much too pure and sweet for me to sully her in that way. But, if I were to look at her ass, I'm pretty sure that (a) it would be even nicer than what is portrayed here, and (b) there would be no tail.

Anyway, NABC's artist Tony Beard does a heck of a job, doesn't he?

I ended up burning a day and a half of vacation Thursday and Friday. Still had to work several of those hours, but at least I got to work from home and I didn't have to put clothes on. Except when my sister came over Friday morning. I wore clothes then.

Let's see, Thursday night I got to Rich O's very early. My time sense was all out of whack because I'd left work early. I remember being excited because it was Thursday night and the usual group of weirdoes wasn't there. I pointed this out to MusicalYuppieDude, and he pointed out that it wasn't time for the weirdoes yet. What a buzz-kill.

Sure enough, the weirdoes all showed up for their 7:00 circle jerk. But they stayed in the red room, so it was okay.

I spent most of the night talking to FirstGirl's legs. I think FirstGirl was there too. Yes, in fact she was, because we talked about why so many women's shoes have such pointy toes. I think they look like elf shoes.

At about 9:00, suddenly and desperately looking for any distraction from a violent craving to bother LaptopGirl, I started texting and emailing everyone else under the Sun. A few people even replied, thank you very much. So that was cool. Except HatGirl didn't reply, so that sucked. And my craving subsided, so that was cool.

I had an NABC Cone Smoker (3297) and then about a bottle and a half of Rogue Chocolate Stout (2487). The Rogue was particularly yummy.

Friday night started out pretty loud. When I first arrived, I sat at the island where ExBartender was sitting with a couple of other dudes. Now, ExBartender is generally a fairly loud person. But I'm used to that, and it's part of his charm or whatever. What I wasn't used to was sitting with three people who were basically screaming at each other. Not screaming in anger, just with the joy of life or alcohol or something.

So I only put up with that noise for about 10 seconds before I picked up my shit and moved to the bar. I finished my Cone Smoker (3317) and then had a Regenboog Guido (42) for the first time in a few years.

I texted HatGirl again. Still no reply. So I'm officially freaking out and becoming convinced that HatGirl is mad at me for some reason. I can't imagine what that reason might be, though. Maybe my awesomeness is making LuckyFucker look bad in comparison.

(I'm kidding. Really. Maybe if I rag on you two you'll come to Rich O's and defend yourselves.)

TremensGirl had said that she'd be in, but there was no sign of her. So I texted her that this one blonde chick she knows was there. You know, in case I wasn't cool enough on my own to lure TremensGirl in.

About ten seconds passed, and TremensGirl came in and went to sit with the blonde chick.

Several million years passed, during which I accomplished taking a piss and moving to the sofa. But finally LaptopGirl came in. After I had established that we weren't fighting (I had to ask) we sat on the sofa and talked about various stuff like how my brain works. Or doesn't work. Whatever.

I felt a little bad because I'd texted TremensGirl to invite her to come in, but by the time she'd got around to me, LaptopGirl was there and everyone else blipped off my screens. But then MrPopular came to the rescue and kept TremensGirl company except for this one tense moment when she almost tried to pick a fight with LaptopGirl over politics.

(There. I used your new nickname. Your life is now complete.)

By the time LaptopGirl went home, I'd finished a second glass of the Guido (54) and a couple of glasses of Diet Coke. I'd been thinking about maybe going over to Louisville, but instead I just came home.

I spend a lot of my spare time, such as this time right now while I wait for the dryer to ding, playing this Euchre game on my computer.

I'm not going to try to explain what Euchre is except to say that it's a card game. If you already know the game, then no explanation is necessary. If you don't already know what it is, and I try to explain it, you're inevitably going to exclaim, "Oh! It's like Spades!"

And then I'll have to kill you.

It's not like fucking Spades.

Anyway, I play this Euchre game a lot. Me and a computerized version of my cat Happy partnered against computerized versions of my cats Buddy and Nugget.

Shut up, I am so not gay.

I must have played this game a million times. Way more than I've played it with actual humans. This might be a good thing.

See, Happy keeps pissing me off. He's constantly leading trump on defense. I think this strategy scored a point once, back in 2001 or 2002, but it had never worked before and it hasn't worked since. I'm constantly cussing out my computerized partner for this folly, but he won't listen. Because he isn't real.

I'm pretty sure that, if I ever have an actual human partner, and he or she leads trump on defense, I'll just have to kill him or her.

Okay, so the red X is about where I was standing, just outside the building where I work. To the left of the X, directly across the street and about 50 feet away, is the 21C Museum/Hotel. So, imagine my surprise when two girls, who were walking around looking lost, stopped and asked me how to get to the 21C Museum/Hotel.

Nice guy that I am, I gave them directions. "Go South and turn left at the light, then go East and turn left at the light, then go North and turn left at the light, then go West and turn left at the light, then go South. When you get back to this exact spot again, go across the street."

Then I had to get back inside to work.

I hope they found the place okay.

Meanwhile, I keep writing. I don't post much of it, but I do keep writing.

I pour myself onto this keyboard, and then I censor almost every word. I protect the people I care about from the truth. What a fucked-up situation it is, that I keep feeling compelled to hide the most important parts of myself from the most important people.

I keep getting these fucking thoughts in my head. Not random thoughts, though they seem to come at random times. From some dark place inside me that I'd rather didn't exist.

But the dark place exists. The thoughts exist.

I am actually angry right now.

As if I have any right to be angry. As if I have any reason to be anything but deliriously happy. As if my life isn't a million times better than it was a few short months ago. As if I didn't get the two seconds I'd wanted, and a whole lot more.

As if I did anything wrong. As if this is somehow my fault.

This is not my fault, dammit!

So why am I so angry at myself?