A lot of things seem random, until they're over, and then not so much.

Earlier today I was having an email conversation with RockGirl, as I'm wont to do, and I said that I couldn't remember the last time that I was utterly happy with my life. Not happy with just one particular aspect, but happy with the totality of my existence.

I wrote to RockGirl that perhaps I'd been happy during that brief time when MysteryLady and I were together. Even as I wrote it, I knew it wasn't true. There had been other times. More recent times. But I couldn't remember what those more recent times had been.

Then tonight, I watched a movie. I picked it at random from my shelf. At least I thought I picked it at random. I've seen it before. Several times, actually. It's one of my favorite movies. It's genius.

And, as I watched the movie, I remembered something. Something important.

Probably about the fifth time I watched this movie, back in the middle of 2005 - I think that was the last time that I was totally happy. Because I watched it with MixedSignalGirl. It was well after all the bullshit had started to destroy our relationship, but on that night, for whatever reason, none of the bullshit mattered. We just enjoyed each other's company. We sat on my loveseat, I had my arm around her, and we just fit together.

I remember, during the scene where the guy vomited all over the alley, MixedSignalGirl averted her eyes from the TV, and she buried her face against my chest. To this day, I don't know if she was laughing, or if she was disgusted, or if it was combination of both. What I do know is that I leaned over, ever so slightly, and I kissed the top of her head, and she sighed when I did it, and our souls merged.

I defy anyone, anywhere, from anytime past or present or future, to ever produce a more perfect moment than that.

I was completely happy with my life, right then and right there.

I'm pretty sure that was the last time.

(I will award 1,000,000 points to the first person who knows what movie I watched tonight. The title of this entry is a hint. Those 1,000,000 points may be redeemed for one beer, should we ever meet in person.)

I can envision a time, probably not to far removed from the present, when this blog will have become nothing but memes and inane reports like this one. When that times comes, I may finally see this as the waste that it is, and I may finally be able to stop.

Anyway, like last week, I didn't get around to watching these until Thursday night. So, four of these people have been eliminated by the time of this writing. I don't know who. Unlike last week, this week I bothered to write down my thought about the guy singers as well.

Luke: An incredibly gay performance. This guy sings very well, but this time he was just way over the top. A crappy start to the night. (50 points)

David A: Cool name. A very good performance. I'm a huge fan of this kid. (80 points)

Danny: Stupid song, but I can't fault the singing at all. This kid's very good. Too bad he's such a dick - I took off 10 points for that. (70 points)

David H: Cool name again. Great song, great job. (85 points)

Michael: Darn, I usually like this guy, but not tonight. Stupid song choice, and way too much bouncing around. He screwed up several notes. (60 points)

David C: Okay, how come I've never noticed all these fucking Davids before? Anyway, A good job. (85 points)

Jason: Stupid song. Way too kum-bah-yah for my tastes, so I didn't really listen except when he butchered this one note and cracked my glasses. (40 points)

Jacuzzi: He sucks, so I went and peed instead. My pee scored: (55 points)

---

Asia'h: Okay, but boring. I took off 10 points for having an apostrophe in her name, then I gave 5 points back because she looked hot. (75 points)

Kady: I never heard this song before. I thought she did a good job, but I'm biased when it comes to Kady. I gave 10 bonus points for being smoldering hot. (85 points)

Amanda: A one-trick pony, and that one trick isn't all that impressive. Painful. She needs to get off my TV now. (40 points)

Carly: A lot better than last week. She's such a good singer. (90 points)

Kristy: Good song, and she countrified it, and she did it brilliantly. Awesome. I gave 10 bonus hotness points. (95)

Ramiele: Another great song. A pretty good performance, but she seemed a little distracted. One of the backup singers tried to ruin the performance, but I think they managed to gag her early enough. (80 points)

Brooke: A pretty cool folksy arrangement of a Pat Benatar classic. I thought she did a fantastic job, and I also gave her 10 bonus hotness points. (95 points)

Syesha: She still seems very full of herself. She's also awesome, even with such a stupid fucking song. (79 points)

Because I seem to be incapable of caring enough to write anything original, I'm just going to answer these questions and pretend that it's the same as writing.

1. Initials:
DSS

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
Cindy Crawford

3. Favorite fruit?
Nanners

4. For or against same sex marriage?
To each his own. Seems to me, though, that it's the word "marriage" that causes most of the controversy.

5. Are you allergic to anything?
Penicillin, coconuts, maybe bee stings

6. Are you bisexual?
Nope

7. Have you ever slept in someone else's clothes?
Don't think so

8. How many U.S states have you been to?
37

9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
8

10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S?
Not really

11. Name something physical you like about yourself?
Yeah, right

12. Something non-physical you like about yourself?
I'm funny sometimes

13. Do you have any pets?
Three kitties

14. What is your dream car?
Like I care

15. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Antarctica

16. Are you bipolar?
Yes. I mean, no.

17. What dream car do you want your husband/wife to drive?
Like I care.

18. Where would you want to go on a first date?
Wherever we can talk

19. Would you date the person who posted this before you?
Apparently not

20. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Yes

21. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yes

22. What was the last text message you received:
HatGirl apologizing for forgetting my birthday

23. Have you ever bungee jumped?
Yes

24. Have you ever white water rafted?
Kind of

25. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Yes

26. Are you racist?
Nope

27. What song are you listening to right now?
Nothing

28. What's your favorite song at the moment?
It varies. I've been into David Gray lately.

29. What was the last movie you watched?
Saw

30. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Rich O's

31. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Nope

32. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Unfortunately

33. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
General body shape

34. What's your fav. body part on the opposite sex?
Eyes

35. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I don't go to Starbucks

36. Say something totally random about yourself:
57084237540

37. Do you have an iPod?
No

38. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes, but she was drunk.

39. Do you have freckles?
Sure

40. Are you comfortable with your height?
I suppose

41. Do you love someone right now?
Yes

42. How tall are you?
Obsessed with height, aren't we?

43. Do you speak any other language other than English?
Also un poco de Espanol

44. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes

45. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Too many times

46. Do you watch MTV?
Nope

48. What's something that really annoys you?
Cruelty

50. Do you like Michael Jackson?
I haven't paid any attention to him/her/it in about 20 years.

51. Have you ever surfed?
No

52. Do you know how to pump gas?
Duh

53. Do you drive?
Duh

54. What's the latest you have ever stayed out?
Forever

55. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
Not really. Afterwards I've realized that there have been close calls.

56. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No

57. Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?
Yes

58. What's your favorite state to live in?
Denial

59. What color is your hair?
Blonde

60.What color are your eyes?
Blue

61. Do you have any special talents?
Yes

62. Favorite non-alcoholic drink?
Diet Vanilla Pepsi

63. Favorite city?
Juneau, Alaska was pretty cool.

64. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?
If by "ridden" you mean "fallen off of" then yes.

65. If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be?
The dude in the crow's nest.

66. Who do you live with?
My cats

67. Last thing you watched on TV?
I don't know. It's been several days.

68. Do you wear glasses or contacts?
Glasses

69. Have you ever taken a roadtrip?
Duh

I'm supposed to write my Saturday Beer Report one of these years, but it will be a long one, and so I keep putting it off.

Besides, I've become painfully aware, over the last three or four hours, that there's a good chance that my future happiness is about to be decided. And not by me. All I can do is wait and hope. Wait to see if any of my past has been worth the effort, and whether any of my future will warrant any effort whatsoever.

Hold on a second, maybe I can do more than just sit and wait. Maybe I can go to Sluttopia and drink. That would certainly be the normal thing to do. Maybe I'll do that. Act like a normal person for a while.

Last night was the first night of the NABC Gravity Head festival at Rich O's. The busiest night of the year, I'm sure. And the crowd certainly didn't disappoint. Only once, on the first night of Gravity Head a couple of years ago, have I ever seen so many people crammed into that space. It was standing room only, and even finding a stable spot to stand was a daunting task.

But, stand I did. For the first hour or so. I stood at the end of the bar, talking alternately with some dude I sort of recognized, and a half-dozen or so Gravity Head virgins who, for some reason, decided that I would make a good sommelier.

Oh yeah, FirstGirl was there. She's making a pendant out of my rock. She says that she's got it finished, and that I might get it back Saturday night. So I'm very excited about that.

My first beer was a new one for me.

Alvinne Podge Belgian Imperial Stout

(draft) Black in color, with a thin tan lacy head that faded quickly. Aroma of malts and light chocolate and dark fruits. Medium mouthfeel - not quite syrupy. The flavor is fairly tame, mostly malts and chocolate. I like this. Dangerous though, because the high ABV is hidden very well.

Eventually, I began to ease my way over to the living room area. Just to be a little bit closer, to be more prepared for the unlikely event that a seat would open up. Well, to my astonishment, a seat did open up on the sofa. I quickly moved there and allowed myself to relax for the first time. This was also about the time that I ordered my second beer, another new one for me.

Dark Horse Scotty Karate Scotch Ale

(draft) Clear dark amber. Good long-lasting head. No detectable aroma. The mouthfeel is a little watery, and the flavor is mostly roasted malts. A decent beer, but kind of a waste of time. The alcohol was hidden very well, a little too well, I think.

While I was drinking that beer, a couple of interesting things happened. The first thing was that SpoonsGirl came in and a few minutes later her imaginary hot friend joined her. They had managed to scam seats at the bar though, so we didn't really talk. I'd just throw something at her every now and then, and wave when she turned around.

The second interesting thing was that LaptopGirl emailed me to inquire about the crowd. Then a little bit later she came in, and the crowd faded into obscurity. LaptopGirl and I had a pretty weird conversation. Weird, but still good. Always good.

For my next beer, I had myself a Mad Bitch (296). It was very yummy, and it was the real Mad Bitch, not the oak-aged abomination that has been the only version available at Rich O's for the last million years. I enjoyed it a lot, in part because I knew that it would have to be my last beer of the night.

After LaptopGirl left, and the crowd rematerialized around me, I moved up to the kiddie table and talked to SpoonsGirl and her imaginary hot friend for a bit. I watched NotHideousGirl get up and leave without even a glance in my direction. Eventually I just sat and talked with SpoonsGirl about various stuff.

I went to White Castle and then came home at 12:30 or so.

Things were weird.

I caught myself, several times, saying things. Things that were the absolute objective truth, but at the same time things that I absolutely did not believe. Because I found that I could no longer be objective. Basically, I lied my ass off, because I was less afraid of lying than I was of saying what I really thought.

I doubt that any of that makes any sense. It barely makes sense to me, and I'm the one who wrote it. Whatever.

I've written several times, in the past, that the right thing isn't always, or even often, the easy thing. Tonight, I think that statement caught up with me a little bit. I found myself doing the easy thing, saying the easy words, suggesting the easy path.

I know why I did what I did, said what I said, suggested what I suggested. And I also know that I was wrong when I did those things. And I knew all along, even while it was happening, that I was wrong. I knew, all along, that I was taking the easy way out because it was, at that time, expected of me.

It was a weird feeling, kind of a shift in perspective that really took me by surprise. It surprised me so much that I let the inertia of expectations control me for the entire conversation. While I tried to come to grips with what I wanted to say, I continued to say those things that I was expected to say. I stuck with the script.

It was easier that way. But it wasn't right. Not right at all. The truth can be the truth a million times in a row, but if it's ever revealed to be false, I should acknowledge it as such.

I screwed up. I'm human, apparently. Sorry about that.

I didn't get around to watching last night's show until after 10:00 tonight. I don't know who was voted out. I guess I'll go look in a bit.

Carly: I really like Carly. I think she's easily one of the best singers. But maybe her voice is a little plain. It seemed that way tonight, at least. (80 points)

Syesha: She seems pretty full of herself. Maybe, if I were that awesome, I would be too. A fantastic performance. (85 points)

Brooke: I like Brooke, but she really blew most of the low notes tonight. She should have picked another song. The judges apparently heard a different performance than the one I heard. (60 points)

Ramiele: Just incredibly cute. Like a baby bunny riding around on the back of another baby bunny. Also, she is my favorite girl in the competition. (90 points)

Kristy Lee: Stupid song. Okay performance. Boring. (65 points)

Amanda: Painful. Everything from the hair to the pants to the "dancing" - and especially the singing - it was all just painful. I want those two minutes of my life back, please. (20 points)

Alaina: Great song. She mangled a couple of notes. Good job, though. (80 points)

Alexandrea: Seems like she picked a very hard song, and I think she did very well with it. (85 points)

Kady: One of my favorites, even after tonight's lackluster performance. I gave her 15 bonus points for being smoldering hot. (95 points)

Asia'h: Stupid name. Pretty good performance, but I've heard much better renditions of that song. her arrangement was a little weird. (80 points)

I was trying to remember if I ever made the actual promise to stay here. I'm not sure that I ever did. I know that I thought about it, and I might have even implied it, but I don't think that I ever really came right out and said it. Promised it.

This is all just speculation, of course. Things are almost never as bad as they seem to be. Perhaps, this too, shall pass. Perhaps I'll have a good laugh about it, someday. About how I worried about what I would do, if I were pressed into action.

The thought of starting over is quite intriguing to me. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I mean, there's only one thing that would give me pause. And sometimes even that doesn't seem like much of a thing. A sense of potential isn't really a thing at all, I don't think, when I think about it objectively. I mean, it's nice to have something to wish for, but when wishing becomes the end all and be all of an entire life - it loses a bit of its luster.

Sometimes it seems like I'm stuck in the worst possible place. A hundred miles to the East, and things would be better. A hundred miles to the North, and I'd at least have a fighting chance. More than that - five hundred miles, a thousand miles, two thousand miles - things just keep looking better and better the further from here that I look.

All choices were taken from me a long time ago. This might just be a new choice. A new opportunity. It would be weird, and more than a little exciting, to have a choice again. But I really don't know if I could make that choice, or if there would really be any choice at all.

Would it really be possible to start over while leaving so many things unfinished?

I wonder which would be worse, a lifetime of regret, or a lifetime of unanswered prayers.

Sometimes I think about wasting the words. Sometimes I think of the words as a boil that must be lanced. Just to get everything out in the open. After all, I can never be completely forthcoming and honest while these words stay locked inside me. Festering.

So, I sometimes think about just saying the words. Casually, like I'd say that it was cold outside or like I'd say that it was Wednesday. Just another Wednesday, no different than any other. Oh, and by the way, here is the truth. Do with it what you will, but you can no longer pretend that it doesn't exist, because here it is. In your face.

I expect that the truth would be met with disbelief. That would certainly be the easiest way to deal with it. After all, only the truth matters - if words are deemed to be false, then they can be swept aside and pushed aside and brushed aside and ignored like the millions of other lies that are told every single day.

But a part of me wonders. A part of me wonders if she would remember my promise.

I promised that I would never lie to her, no matter what. I promised her that, and I tangentially promised myself the same thing. It was a compromise of sorts. I promised myself that I would somehow manage to keep my big fat mouth shut up until that hypothetical moment when I was asked the right question. When the right question was asked, all vows of silence would be rendered null and void. But until then, I would be silent, more or less. Until then, I would be patient.

But patience, as they say, is a virtue. And it's a virtue in which I feel sorely lacking at times. My patience is tried on a regular basis. I can't stand the thought of misunderstandings and misinterpretations standing in for the truth. I really can't fucking stand it.

So, sometimes, I think about just telling the truth. Wasting the words. To fuck with proper timing and romantic moments and everything else that I've been waiting for. Hoping for. Dreaming of.

Sometimes, I think about just blurting out the words. Wasting the words on unsuspecting and disbelieving ears.

Not all the time, though. Not even most of the time. Usually, I feel strong enough to keep my big fat mouth shut.

Not yet, I tell myself. Someday, almost certainly, but not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.

The funny thing about tomorrow is that it never really comes. It's always lurking, just out of reach. Lying in wait.

Vagueness. That's all I ever really get, when I allow myself to imagine the unimaginable. Just the slightest sense of surroundings. The slightest sense of the surreal scene wherein everything comes to a head.

---

It might start with a fight, of sorts. An argument that's not quite taking place. A disagreement still mired in the throes of its own birth. A misunderstanding mangled and mutilated by misinterpretation. Something like that, anyway.

I've had enough. I stand, abruptly and purposefully. On my feet. On a chair. On a table. On a rooftop. On a mountaintop. I find the most visible, the most public place I can find. I can feel myself about to explode from the pressures that I've held back for so long. I will explode, finally and mercifully, and I'm determined that the noise of that explosion will not fall on deaf ears.

I scream the words that I've longed to scream for so long that I cannot remember a time when I didn't long to scream them. With every ounce of strength, I emphasize the words as they rip and tear their way out of me. I exist to say the words, and the words exist to be said.

Funny thing is - the words don't even matter. All that matters is the meaning behind the words. I pour everything I am, everything I ever will be, into the meaning behind the words, and I hope that it's enough. For understanding. For acceptance. For so much more. For everything.

---

Alternatively, it might be expected. Anticipated, even. A quiet moment, perhaps, I imagine, in the midst of a crowd that doesn't matter and that will never matter. A private conversation that crosses some invisible line between friendliness and something else. Something more.

My lips so close to her. My lips brushing her ear, caressing her ear as I say the words that I've longed to say for so long that I cannot remember a time when I didn't long to say them.

By this time, she expects the words from me, and she wants to hear the words from me. She needs to hear the words. From me, of all people. It is as surreal for her as it is for me, and that's saying a lot.

And I say the words in my softest voice, and my lips carve the words into her ear as I say them. And all is good. All is as it should be. I say the words, and my life grinds to a halt as I wait for a response, yet a large part of me doesn't even care what the response might be. She will know, without a doubt, she will know. And I will finally be free of all need for deception and deduction and denial.

---

I suspect that the truth will lie somewhere between these two extremes. I suspect that the truth will seem mundane by comparison. I suspect that the truth will seem boring to everyone except the two of us. Not that I will care what anyone else thinks. They won't matter. I will matter, and she will matter, and that's it.

I like, sometimes, to imagine the unimaginable. It's really not that tough, for me to do so. After all, I live the unimaginable every day. Every single day.