Being concerned, yet unable to express my concern lest I seem creepy. Sometimes, concern is just concern. This is one of those times, but nobody would ever believe it.

---

Wanting to wish someone a happy new year, but being unable to do so because (a) I deleted her from my phone, and (b) She'd assign some sinister motive to whatever I might say, anyway.

---

Missing someone for all of the right reasons, but knowing that it's useless to say so, because the wrong reasons are all that are ever expected or seen.

---

Being unable to make up my damn mind, about a choice that should be obvious.

We talked for a while, later, about reasons and excuses and justifications. For what we were doing. For what we'd done. For what we would, in all likelihood, do again before sleep took us. But mostly, we didn't really talk. She spoke while I listened, or I spoke while she listened. It was more like a debate than anything else. And our debate had no judge keeping score, except maybe my cat Buddy, who watched us lazily from the top of the chifarobe. I didn't see him taking any notes, though. I'll call it a tie.

This always happens to me. I can never just let myself enjoy simple pleasures. I always have to analyze them, until they're no longer simple, and they're no longer pleasures. My mind tries to jump to the future, but there's nothing there. And I know that I'm on a dead-end road, and I wonder why I'm even bothering.

For WeirdGirl, it's all about the road itself. She gives only passing thought to where it might lead. Wondering and worrying is neither fun nor productive, so she simply doesn't do those things.

Sometimes, I wish I shared her outlook. But I don't. I can't. That's not who I am. I need a destination. Even if it's so far away that I can never reach it in my lifetime, I need to know that it's there. I need to know that there's a point to living.

I forget where I was going with this entry. Probably nowhere. That would be fitting, I suppose.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I took a late lunch, and went to see AlliGirl for a while. For some reason I didn't eat anything, I just had some Newcastle (8533). Then, on the way home, I suddenly got hungry. I was near White Castle, so I went there. It's been months since I went there.

So I ordered my food, and I was standing back waiting for it to be ready, and I felt a tingling. It was my hot girl radar, pinging loudly and clearly. I turned to my left and saw a little blue car leaving the drive-thru.

Driving that little blue car was none other than VigilanteGirl!

Yay!

She saw me, stopped and waved at me through the window, and motioned for me to some outside. Of course I went outside, somehow remembering to open the door instead of just crash through it.

We talked for a minute or two. She gave me her card with her number on it, and said she had to get back to work. I called her a little later, so now she has my number, too. I told her that I didn't want to wait another year and a half to see her, and that we should figure out a way to keep that from happening. She sounded dubious.

But still, it was very cool to see her and talk to her.

---

Then, later in the evening, I stopped at GasNStuff on the way to Rich O's, and VigilanteGirl was sitting in her car talking on her phone. I waved at her, but that's it.

---

Rich O's was crowded as fuck.

I stood around for a while until this one dude finished eating, then I squeezed by him and sat on the sofa. I had an NABC Cone Smoker (3071) and enjoyed it immensely. Other than that, I felt pretty claustrophobic sitting there because it was so crowded. As soon as PlantDude left the throne, I moved there. ArtGirl was sitting at the kiddie table with some dude. I talked to her for a bit, and I chastised her for getting a new boyfriend and not even considering my lovely self for the position.

Next, I had a Smithwick's (1678). I'd resolved that I wouldn't be cutting myself off before 9:00, as I'd done the last two nights, so I was going to alternate between strong beers and tame beers.

This was a nice plan, but it didn't quite work that way. Once most of the weirdoes had left the sofa, MusicalYuppieDude moved over there. We ended up splitting a bottle of Malheur 10 (53). It was fantastic, but it certainly wasn't tame. After that was gone, I had what was left of my Smithwick's, then switched to Diet Coke for the rest of the night.

Then, at about 11:00, at about the time I started to get bored and disappointed with the night, I got a surprise phone call.

I had a couple of hours to kill, so I came home and did a quick straightening-up.

Last night I whipped this together and sent it to a few people. I mainly made it for RockGirl. She was looking for ideas on what to send her boyfriend.

RockGirl decoded it in about two seconds. HatGirl came very close right away, but may have given up. LaptopGirl is probably forwarding it to her attorney. WeirdGirl cheated, but she said it was only to check her answer.

I could have picked another image altogether for the third image. I don't know why I didn't.

[1.] Where was the first time you ever kissed the last person you kissed?
Outside her work.

[2.] What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
I ran into VigilanteGirl at White Castle.

[3.] What's the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
One more day, then I'm off for a week! Yay!

[4.] Would you rather get up early or sleep in?
Stupid question. I'd rather sleep.

[5.] Last thing that suprised you?
Besides seeing VigilanteGirl at White Castle, I guess it was yesterday when I got some crappy news.

[6.] What's the closest thing to you that is brown?
My cat Happy is at my feet smelling my shoes.

[7.] What would you change about your life right now?
I would add a billion dollars.

[8.] Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
The truth is almost always better.

[9.] What's on your bedroom floor right now?
Piles of clothes, in varying states of cleanliness.

[10.] Who was the last person you got into an argument with?
This dipshit a couple of weeks ago, for saying bad things about a wonderful person.

[11.] Do you trust people?
Depends on the person. Generally, no.

[12.] If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
Las Vegas.

[13.] Have you ever been out of the country?
During the first Gulf War.

[14.] Could you go a day without eating?
I could probably use it.

[15.] How much do looks matter to you?
For first impressions, they're pretty important. I think that's normal.

[16.] How do you feel about sex?
I can take it or leave it, usually. I like the emotional connections more.

[17.] When was the last time you had your hair cut?
A couple of weeks ago.

18.] Would you rather be mad or sad?
Mad, but I rarely feel that way.

[20.] What's the best feeling in the world?
BEing in love.

[21.] Are you close with your mom?
She's buried a couple of miles from me. Does that count?.

[22.] Are your parents strict?
They were pretty lax, and they've gotten moreso since they died.

[23.] Do you tell you your parents everything?
That would be weird.

[24.] Would you rather be a bird or a fish?
A bird. Stupid question.

[25.] Name one fear you have ....
I have an aversion to crowds.

[26.] If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive?
Depends on the weather.

[27.] Does the thought of marriage scare you?
Nope.

[28] Do u want to have kids?
I've found myself thinking about it lately.

[29.] What's your favorite color to wear?
Blue.

[30] What time is it?
2:28 PM.

[31.] What are you doing today?
Worked. Came home. Getting ready to take a nap.

[32.] Would you rather be rich & sad or poor & happy?
If I were poor, I think I'd be sad.

[33] cuddle or sex?
One then the other.

[34.] What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg?
Like a viable one, or fossilized?

[35.] Do you get bored easily?
I'm taking this survey, aren't I?

[36.] What's something that someone can do that really bothers you?
Being cruel.

[37.] Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger?
Not so much. Maybe my middle name - I don't like it very much.

[39.] Do you make a wish at 11:11?
Stupid question.

[40] Are u listening to anything right now?
The clacking of my keyboard.

[41.] Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say?
MusicalYuppieDude - "Yup."

[42.] What are you freakishly obsessed with?
I think I've already covered that particular subject.

[43.] What's your favorite song at the moment?
David Gray - Please Forgive Me

[44] Whats your favorite movie?
I have many favorites.

[45.] Can music affect your mood?
Sure.

46?

[47] Anything bothering u right now?
A few things. None that I can really do anything about, though.

[48.] Have you ever been in a cave?
Yes. Stupid question.

[49] Have you ever eaten a bug?
Not on purpose.

[50.] When will you see the person you like next?
I have no idea.

There are two, maybe three people, who are probably wondering what I'm going to write about tonight. I thought that there might be four, but I've decided that the fourth person wasn't listening. Her gain, actually.

I've decided that I'm not going to write shit about what happened to me today. I didn't write about anything leading up to it, after all, so to just spring this on the Internet would only make people yawn. Like it's not a big deal.

Well, screw that. It's a fucking huge deal.

Anyway.

Tonight, I was in an incredibly shitty mood. So shitty that, in fact, I actually found myself wishing against something that I've done nothing but wish for since 2004 or so.

And then, then my fucking wish came true, and so that just adds insult to injury. Stupid me and my stupid wish coming true. Stupid.

I spent the majority of the night sulking at the bar. Some people had tried to cajole me into sitting in the living room area, but I'd have none of that. Too many weirdoes about.

So I sat at the bar. I had a Pyramid Snow Cap (70) then a De Dolle Stille Nacht (76). Both were yummy, but both were also quite strong. So I had a little Dark Horse Tres Blueberry Stout (165) and then I cut myself off. At like fucking 8:30. Sometimes I really hate being a lightweight. Anyway, I ended up drinking Diet Cokes for the rest of the night.

Most of the time I spent sulking, but I did talk to MusicalYuppieDude off and on. And I tried to talk to OddlyFamiliarGirl, but she'd have none of that bullshit. Then I got really claustrophobic because this one PBD was seriously invading my space, so I picked up my shit and moved to the kiddie table.

After another half-hour or so of sulking, I came home.

I've been trying to decide if tonight was a good night or not. You be the judge.

Good: I feel much better, health-wise, than I've felt for days.

Bad: I didn't get to see LaptopGirl, so now it's been two weeks since I was so blessed.

Good: PearlGirl gave me a little card that said I was Hott with two Ts.

Bad: There were a bunch of weirdoes who scared me away from the living room area.

Good: I got a boner.

Bad: I texted the girl about my boner.

Good: There was a girl who I thought might have been a blast from my past.

Bad: She turned out to be the underage daughter of FirstGirl - and I'd never seen her before. She just looked like that other girl.

Good: I had a yummy NABC Cone Smoker (3051) and a glass and a half of yummy Rogue Chocolate Stout (2370).

Bad: I couldn't finish that second glass of Rogue, because I'm a lightweight.

Good: The place was full of random hot girls.

Bad: The place was full of random hot girls.

Good: My pizza was yummy.

Bad: I'd been hoping to split a pizza with LaptopGirl.

Bad: I'm a shithead.

Good: I'm an honest shithead.

Bad: Tonight I missed, in no particular order; HatGirl, MixedSignalGirl, LaptopGirl, SassyGirl, and NotHideousGirl.

Good: I'm excited that I'll get to see AlliGirl tomorrow.

Bad: When I left, I saw LaptopGirl's car in the parking lot, so I should have stayed until she came back.

All in all, I guess the night was a wash.

I guess I'm going to live. Whether it was the nasal spray that my sister brought me, or merely the passage of enough time, or the two-hour hot bath I took, I'm feeling much better now.

Just in time to go back to work tomorrow.

My head feels like it's got hardened cement in it, and my chest hurts from all the coughing and sneezing I've done, but my fever is gone. And the fever is what really knocked me out. Even though it gave me several cool dreams, including one about an orgy that I will never forget.

Tomorrow is supposed to be AlliDay, but either The Pub is closed or AlliGirl just has the day off work. So that sucks, but Thursday will make a fine substitute.

I expect to be the only person at work for the next three days. They gave us the choice between the three days after Christmas or the three days after New Year's Day off, and I took the latter. I don't know why. Probably so I can get some work done this week, since there won't be any distractions. Everyone else picked the days after Christmas.

I've been given token invites to a few things next Monday. I don't want it to seem like I'm holding out for a better offer, but that's exactly what I'm doing.