One time this guy fell in love with this girl. But all of his friends told him that she was a bitch. Hell, even his enemies told him that the girl was a bitch. But the guy didn't listen to any of them. He was in love. So he bided his time. After he'd known the girl for about fifteen years, and she'd managed to alienate every other guy she knew, she finally agreed to be the guy's girlfriend. Then, much to the guy's surprise, she turned out to be a total bitch.

The moral of this story is that when friends and enemies agree about something, they're probably right.

Clearly, I seem to have fallen out of the habit of writing here. I'd like to say that this will be a temporary thing, but I just don't know. I've become very tired of writing boring stuff, and I've become quite fearful of writing interesting stuff.

I find myself being tempted by old paths. Paths which are fraught with danger, but maybe that's part of their allure. For danger brings with it the possibility of salvation. And salvation would be a nice thing, I think.

Anyway.

I think I'm jet-lagged. After I got home tonight, and after I'd eaten some pizza, I found myself exhausted. So I went to bed, a little after 8:00. My intention, my expectation even, was that I would sleep until my alarm sounded at 6:45 in the morning.

Didn't happen that way.

I woke up at midnight or so, and I've been up ever since. Watching episodes of Heroes in my basement, and pausing every now and then to mess with my guitar.

I still suck at the whole guitar thing, in case anyone was wondering.

Tonight, I was also thinking about how things can change, and how sometimes they can only seem to change. Like, sometimes I almost open my big fat mouth, and state that which is obvious to everyone. If I were to do so, things would almost certainly change. But, I don't think that they really should.

If, for example, I said that water was wet, nothing should change. Water has always been wet, and water will continue to be wet. My speaking about it doesn't change its wetness at all.

This is like that, I think. Maybe even more obvious than wet water. I should be able to say it, and then absolutely nothing should happen as a result. My admission of the obvious should not change a thing.

Like I said, these old paths are tempting me.

I wish I was tired. This is a dangerous mood for me to be in. Sleep would be safer.

I was struck by a realization this evening. This realization followed, quite logically, a thread I'd started in an email to RockGirl a few hours earlier.

What I realized, what I realized was that it's the second of December. Not that this particular date means anything. It's not some significance of the date that struck me - it's the lateness of the date.

This year is almost over with. That's just so hard for me to believe. So much has happened to me, to my life, this past year. So much has happened, I almost want to say that, were I inclined to list the various highlights and lowlights of the year, that I wouldn't know where to start.

But that would be a lie.

I know exactly where I'd start, were I so inclined. Same place I always start. Same place I always end.

Anyway, the lateness of today's date struck me with a force that, had I not been sitting down already, I'd surely have been knocked flat onto my ass.

See, there's this sort of timeline in my head. Stretching out in front of me. I can almost imagine my future. One possible future, at least. And now my stupid mind has decided to compress that timeline. Cram all of the events therein together. Rush things.

Today is the second of December. In a few short weeks, this year will be over. In a few short weeks, it will be New Year's Eve.

I used to think, maybe, someday.

Right now, like a dumbass, I'm thinking, maybe, on New Year's Eve.

Now I know, and everyone who knows me knows, and everyone who's read this blog with any sort of regularity knows, that I'm probably going to spend those few minutes that bridge the years 2007 and 2008 by myself. Conducting a séance of sorts, just like I always do.

Talking to people who aren't there. Speaking words that might otherwise never leave my lips.

But now, I've dared to imagine another scenario. One in which I'm not alone as the hour and the month and the year change.

Clearly, I've taken things too far, here inside this lump of fat I used for a brain.

I mean, being in a good mood is one thing. Being an optimist is another, more dangerous, thing.

But assigning an expiration date to that optimism - well that's just the stupidest thing I've done in a very long time.

So, I'm back. Got back yesterday evening.

I've been struggling for a week now. Trying to decide what I was going to write about my trip. Besides the usual stuff, I mean. Like the yummy beer I drank, and the boring conference I endured, and the video poker I played.

But there were other things. Things which I haven't quite figured out. What happened? Why did it happen? What will happen next? Will anything happen next? Do I want anything to happen next?

And then, then there was some crap that happened back here, while I was gone. And I ask myself the same five questions.

I don't want to lie, here, in this blog. But neither do I think that telling the whole truth would be a good thing. And I don't particularly want to guess.

Hence, my struggling.

---

Anyway, last night was much more normal for me. I went to Rich O's, that decision having been made for me by the simple fact that LaptopGirl was thinking about maybe going to Rich O's.

It was a nice night. I took it easy on the beer, though.

I guess that one of the fun things about being me right is that, for some goofy reason that I've yet to comprehend, I'm no longer drowning in my own imagination.

Instead of each and every action revealing million of possible reactions in my head, I only see one or two steps ahead. This might be, some could theorize, because things are so complicated that one or two steps is all my mind can conjure.

But I don't think that's what's going on here. I think that what's happening is that I only have to go one or two steps for something good to happen.

I'm that close.

No longer does my mind need to imagine generation after untold generation of unhatched chickens before I find a scenario I can live with.

Sorry about throwing the chicken metaphor back out there. I just couldn't think of anything better on such short notice.

This is pretty cool. I actually find myself enjoying the act of being me. That hasn't happened in a long time.

My Blackberry sucks.

Something has happened to its ability to save SMS messages.

Like tonight. Right before I left Rich O's, I drunk-texted NotHideousGirl. The gist of the message was that it sucked that there's nobody who'll miss me when I'm in Las Vegas this week.

Lo and behold, she responded. Something about how she missed me.

I replied back with some crap.

But now, when I go to look at my Blackberry to see what she said, and to see what I said in response - there's no record of any messages at all.

My Blackberry sucks.

I feel a little bit selfish.

I've been told, a few times now, that I've been given what you might call a green light.

Not yellow. Certainly not red.

Green. Maybe tinged a bit toward yellow because I'm such a doofus.

But anyway, I just can't seem to be able to justify it to myself. Something stops me from even considering it, except at times like right now. As I sit alone in my house, when there's not a thing I can do about it except think and wonder and ponder and imagine.

Like I said, I feel a little bit selfish. Because the only thing stopping me seems to be me.

And since when did I become so damn important? I never got that memo.

I think I cleared the air a little bit tonight. At least I tried to clear the air. I hope I didn't make a fool of myself.

Given about five more seconds, and I probably would have done just that.

And that would have been selfish, too.

Happy Birthday to LaptopGirl!

Take that, universe!

This year, I got to say it without any hesitation whatsoever!