I've been in a training class this week. A pretty tough class, made even more tough because most of us there feel like it's a waste of time. One more day of class tomorrow, then a test that we all figure we have to pass or we'll get fired and/or shot and/or publicly flogged. That's never been explicitly stated, but it's the general impression.

Yesterday and today they gave us practice tests to bring home. The purpose of these tests, as far as I can figure it, is to make us want to kill ourselves.

My sister has complained that this blog of mine is difficult to follow because I'm often too cryptic. After two days of this class, I know exactly how my sister feels.

A Rich O's tonight, they had a thing for this Stone brewery guy. I was just there for my regular after-work beer (plus Monday is Pizza Day for me), and I didn't stay for the Stone dude, but I did have one of their beers.

Stone 10th Anniversary IPA

(draft) Clear copper with a firm white head. Aroma of flowers and bubble gum - very intriguing. Flavor was very complex and hard to describe. There was definitely some lingering hop bitterness at the finish but it was accompanied by the complex flavors so it wasn't overpowering at all. An IPA that I actually like. Wonders never cease.

I'd had a Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (2226) before that, so I was already over my quota for the evening.

Oh yeah, there a new guy working at Rich O's who looks disturbingly like FutureDude. Same shaved head and glasses and general build. I was referring to him as FutureDude's mini-me but then I heard someone call him Bizarro FutureDude and I think that's the nickname that will stick. It really is quite funny, but I don't think FutureDude shares the mirth.

What I want to know is, why can't they hire more people who look like CuteBartender?

Sometimes, like right now, it just doesn't apply. Sometimes, like right now, it leads us down the wrong path, drives us to the wrong conclusion.

Sometimes, like right now, it fails us.

Not that it really matters what I write about my current irritation. People are going to think what they want to think, and facts be damned. After all, I'm only the fucking star of this particular show. What do I know, anyway? Certainly not more than those around me. Those people can all not only read my mind and my heart, but they can probe even more deeply than I can.

Not.

I've seen an awful lot of parallels lately, but this is no longer one of them. Those particular lines diverged at some murky point in the not so recent past.

Anyway.

To call upon examples from the past in an attempt to understand and explain the present, well it's a time-honored method. But sometimes it's a waste of time. Especially when the wrong examples are being brought forth.

This explanation, this simplest explanation - sometimes I even wish that it was the correct one. Things would be a lot easier for me. I could just accept it and move on. It would be nothing new for me, after all. I've been through that particular scenario at least a dozen times.

But the simplest explanation is not the correct one, this time. And I don't really feel like lying to myself about it. I'd rather know the truth, even if it hurts. Even if it ends up hurting more than the lie.

Not that anybody is going to believe a word of this.

I realize, of course, that it would help matters greatly if I could say exactly what it is that's been bothering me about all this. And, believe me, I would if I could. Or perhaps I would if I knew would be more appropriate.

See, I don't really know what it is. I have some ideas, some theories, but I'm far from certain.

I don't know exactly what it is that's bothering me. But I do know what it's not.

Occam's Razor does not apply in this case. It really doesn't.

I stole this from somebody at fark.com the other day. I wasn't going to post it because of copyright concerns, but it's just so damn fitting and accurate that I couldn't resist.

Just like I couldn't resist going to Dina's today to see her new kitten.

A new kitten!

Yay!

It is, of course, a comfort kitty, which is one of the best kinds of kitties. It's a Siamese, and it's about the size of my hand, and it likes to meow and climb and sit on people.

I could have stayed and petted that kitten for weeks, but I think that it might have become awkward for my sister's family after a week or so. So I tore myself away, and I tore the kitten from my lap, and I went to Hooter's in Clarksville.

While there, I had some yummy mozzarella sticks and three yummy glasses of Newcastle (7107), then I bought some crab legs and brought them home.

I never said that this would be an interesting entry.

Observant readers may have noticed that there was no Friday Beer Report this week. There's a simple explanation for this really. There was no Friday beer. After work I slept until after 11:00, and I was still in a crappy mood, so I stayed home.

So I'm feeling very disgusted and disillusioned. I'm thinking that I'll coin the word disgullusioned to more efficiently describe this mood. Or maybe disillusted. Whichever term I choose, I get the feeling that I'll be using it a lot.

Since I hadn't so much as stepped outside my house for 24 hours, I succumbed to the peer pressure from the voices in my head at about 6:00 last night, and I went to Rich O's.

It was fairly empty at that early hour. Just some weirdoes in the living room area. I sat at the bar and had a Sclenkerla Marzen (943), which I just noticed has made it to number 11 on my all-time consumption list. That's just in the few months since SteveFest.

Anyway, I sat at the bar for a while. Then TremensGirl came in and joined me. I think I put too much pressure on her almost immediately. I mean, how was she supposed to counteract the disgullusionment I was feeling for her entire species?

Once the weirdoes left, I moved to the throne and TremensGirl moved to the loveseat. Various people came and went at various times. My next beer was a very yummy Baltika 6 (396).

Last night BikerGirl was having a wandering birthday party, and I ended up trading a few text messages with her to see where they had wandered to. They were going to The Pub, so I went over to Louisville. I was early, so I stopped at Hard Rock and tried to talk to CoolHairGirl for a bit, but they were very busy in there.

At The Pub, I had a couple Newcastles (7047) and talked for a bit with BikerGirl and her posse. I watched the clock very closely, and right at 12:00 I gave her a birthday hug and then came home.

So today it was suggested that I be bluntly honest at all times. The unspoken implication, of course, being that I'm some sort of pathological liar.

I'm annoyed by this. Annoyed enough that I will now present two facts.

Fact One: I do not believe that honesty should be used as an excuse for cruelty.

Fact Two: I do not believe that discretion and honesty are mutually exclusive.

That is all.

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!!

1. Who was your best friend?
That year it was probably either Jeff or Mike - both cousins of mine.

2. What sports did you play?
Yeah, right.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
A 1973 Mercury Comet with a 351 Cleveland motor in it. It was ugly as fuck, but it screamed.

4. On a Friday night what were you doing?
Usually hanging out at Mike's

5. Were you a party animal?
No, I could never keep up with those people.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Nope.

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
No, I was straight even then.

8. Were you a nerd?
Smart yes, but a nerd? I don't think so. I mean I wasn't in the A/V club or anything like that.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?
I was a good kid.

10. Can you still sing the fight song?
Again, I was and still am straight.

11. Who was your favorite teacher?
Maybe Mrs. Webber. She was very nice.

12. Where did you sit during lunch?
I think that was the year I mostly just hung out at my locker and watched the girls go by.

13. Name the school full name?
Floyd Central Junior/Senior High School.

14. School mascot?
A Highlander. Not the immortal dude from books and TV though. Basically, a guy in a dress playing bagpipes.

15. School colors?
Green and gold.

16. Rival high school?
New Albany High School.

17. Did you go to Prom?
No, Lisa and I went straight to the after-prom sex.

18. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
It would be fun for a few days. I would take zero shit from anyone.

19. What do you remember most about graduation?
That it was a relief.

20. Where did you go senior skip day?
Yes, and I told my mom beforehand that I'd be doing it. There was a kegger at the house of some guy I never heard of. It was fun.

21. Favorite memory?
That was a long time ago. Too long ago for me to pick out a favorite memory. Probably something to do with Lisa though.

22. Were you in any clubs?
Not in Senior year. I was in the Spanish club before that though.

23. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Whoa, deja vu. I stood at my locker and watched pretty girls.

24. Have you gained some weight since then?
Yes, but not as much as some have. I mean, I haven't totally blimped-out.

25. Who was your Senior prom date?
Would have been Lisa if we'd gone to either mine or to hers.

26. Are you planning on going to your 10-year reunion?
No. I went to my 20th though. And I'll go to my 25th when it happens.

27. Who was your home room teacher?
No homeroom when I was a Senior.

28. Who will repost this after you?
Fuckifiknow Jones.

29. Who was your high school sweetheart?
That year it was Lisa. Before that it was Jackie.

30. Do you still talk to people from high school?
I run into old classmates very rarely. Like the other day at the funeral home. Most of my graduating class seems to have disappeared.

31. Did you win prom queen or king?
Bwaaaahahaha!

32. Where did you work in high school?
Nowhere, unless you count mowing my grandmother's yard for like $5 each week.

33. what were your grades?
By then I was pretty much all straight-As.

By the time I'd posted my overlap entry late Friday night, it had already happened. But nobody knew it yet besides the dozens of kids who'd started calling each other within minutes.

My sister didn't find out until after 5:00 Saturday morning. I didn't find out until after 6:00.

At 6:21, my phone rang. I looked at the screen. It was my sister, Dina. I answered. She was crying.

Now my grandmother has been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, and not in the best of health. So I steeled myself for the news that my grandmother had died.

But that's not what had happened. That's not why Dina was crying.

I can never remember the exact words at times like this.

"Cory...(blah)...accident...(blah)...killed...died," she told me.

My mind went off-track. I hadn't steeled myself for this. Not at all.

Wait a second, I thought. Cory is her son's name. My nephew's name. And he was killed AND he died? That's just too much.

It's still too much. It will be too much for a very long time.

---

I've been at Dina's all day. Everyone has gathered around her. Doing what we can, which isn't much, but it's something. Making phone calls so family and friends don't hear about it on the news. Screening calls to Dina's house. Making sure that someone is always at her side, offering comforting touches.

My family is destroyed.

---

I suppose it's ironic or something that all of the thoughts I used to suppress so that I could sleep, those are the thoughts I call upon now to let me sleep. I call upon these fantasies from the past to distract me from the horrors of the present.

---

I went to work Monday. Dina had gone to the visitation for another boy killed in the accident. I needed to keep busy. So I sat at work and configured some software while my nephew lay on a slab at the funeral home.

---

I'm so worried about my sister. About everyone in my family, but mostly about Dina.

This is the hardest thing she will ever do. She will get through it though. Not because she wants to, because there will certainly be times when she doesn't want to. But she'll get through it because she has to. Because she's the strongest person I know, and because she has a daughter and another son. She will get through this and while she'll never get over this pain, she will get to the point where she can at least live with it.

---

Tomorrow is Cory's visitation. The funeral is Wednesday.

So fucking surreal.

---

One of many news stories about the accident.

My family has suffered an unimaginable tragedy.

I don't know when I'll be back here. I'm not going to trivialize what's happened by writing my usual irrelevant drivel.