There are things that I cannot allow myself to write about in any detail at all, no matter how much I want to. Why I was so happy a couple of weeks ago. Why I fell back into despair a few days ago.

They are two sides of the same coin. It's as simple as that. And as cryptic as that.

I am dancing in the light, or I am cowering in the dark. I am laughing hysterically and grinning from ear to ear, or tears are streaming down my face. I live a binary life.

I am not ashamed. Not anymore. I used to be, back when this all started, but not anymore. I might as well be ashamed of my height, or of the color of my hair. I had no choice about those things either.

Shame is not why I stay silent, and shame is not why I cloak my writings in drivel like the above. Neither am I particularly afraid.

I'm just trying to prove, to myself mostly, that I've learned from the mistakes of my past.

Sometimes I think it might be nice to be a normal person. But not always, or even very often. Because I know that, if I were a normal person, then two Saturdays ago would have just been another Saturday, and this past Saturday would have been just another Saturday.

I would not trade two Saturdays ago for anything. Even if it means that I have to have nights like this past Saturday. You gotta have the bad to appreciate the good, or something like that. Well, it works out pretty well, when the good is glorious, and the bad has become something I'm used to. The theme of my life, I suppose.

I forget where I was going with this.

...but only because it might do something do drag me out of this funk. Even if it's only for a couple of hours, it would still be pretty nice to feel good again, or at least not feel miserable for a while.

It's the thought that counts, right?

Well, maybe for some people, but usually not for me. I'm not a mind-reader, after all. Sometimes the thought isn't enough. Sometimes it's the action caused by those thoughts that really counts, and that really makes a difference.

Somebody gave me a present today.

I don't know what it is, and I haven't opened it. I haven't opened it because (a) I think I know what it is, and (b) if I'm wrong then that'll just be another thing to disappoint me.

So, for now, it stays wrapped. For now, it has the potential to make me smile. And it will stay that way until I can't stand the suspense anymore, until I rip it open and see for sure what it is.

Today I got to see NotHideousGirl briefly at lunch, and I got to meet her father, NotHideousDad.

I'm pretty sure that nothing relevant happened Friday night.

Ditto for Saturday night except that this one girl told me that I was hot before she got too drunk to be believable. So that was cool.

Then today my graphics card died on me, and I had to go to Best Buy to get a new one. There was a hot rod show across the street from Best Buy, and I was going to stop and look at the cool cars, but then I remembered that (a) I'm unfit for human company and (b) I couldn't guarantee that nobody would try to talk to me. So I just came home instead.

I was going to just stop writing in this blog until this current mood levels off, but the fact is that I need this outlet.

Don't expect much though.

I know I'm not.

What a fucking waste of a life few months weekend that was.

That is all.

I was going to write some long rambling crap just now, but I changed my mind.

My happiness inertia is running out. I need another push.

You ever just happen look at somebody from a certain angle, in just the right light, and just have something click inside you? Like, you knew that person was attractive, but all of a sudden, click! And you find yourself suddenly and powerfully attracted to that person?

Yeah well, me too. It's not a sin, it's just human nature.

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I've been in a fantastic mood for five straight days. This is definitely a record, and I'm very impressed by it. But I still hope to break that record tomorrow, with a sixth day.

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I touched her today. It was all very innocent, but my body couldn't help but remember the last time I'd touched her. I wonder, did her body remember it also?

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I kinda wanted to go to this folk festival thingy in Madison on Saturday. But I'm on-call, so I really shouldn't go. There's not much cell phone coverage in Madison. Or at least there wasn't last year.

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I thought I'd have more, but I was wrong.

So this HarpO guy tagged me to participate in this eight things about me meme that's making the rounds at JournalSpace. And I'm stumped. I've been trying to come up with eight things that (a) I've never mentioned before, and (b) are at least halfway interesting.

And, like I said, I'm stumped. So I'll skip the interesting requirement, and I'll just list eight new things about my lovely self.

1. I've had a lot of different cars in my life, but when I dream about a car, it's always the same one. My 1979 Pontiac Firebird. It was the second car I ever owned.

2. When my ex-wife and I bought a mobile home, and had it moved onto the base where I was stationed, I set the entire thing up by myself. I leveled it and hooked up all of the utilities by myself, in the rain. All I had to help with the leveling was a 4-ton hydraulic jack.

3. When I was in eighth grade, this one seventh grader had a crush on me. I thought she was very cute and nice, but she was an outcast. I succumbed to peer pressure and I broke her heart. She got the last laugh on me by becoming smoldering hot in time for the next school year and then never speaking to me again.

4. I'm pretty sure that the first girl I ever had sex with is a lesbian now.

5. I haven't heard from HatGirl in about a million years. I'm well beyond my normal freak-out point, but I'm still doing okay. I don't like it that I'm still okay.

6. NotHideousGirl told me today that I'm really good at putting out the friend vibes to women. I can't decide if that was supposed to be a compliment or not.

7. A while ago I almost threw $6,000 into the Ohio River, on purpose.

8. Last night I was watching Lost and I got the idea to write an entry about the five best and the five worst moments of my life. But then I realized that I could come up with a million worst moments, but only a couple best moments, so I gave up on that idea.

I think I'm supposed to tag eight people to do this, but I never tag anyone for this kind of stuff, and I see no reason to start now.

I have never in my life been able to climax from a blow-job. Not even close.

There.

Now that I've got my sisters to stop reading this entry, I'll continue.

I was in a fight with one of my sisters recently. Not a real fight, but an email argument of sorts. I don't want to get into the details because it's nobody's business, but I think I can safely summarize by saying that she thought I was the worst person on Earth, and I disagreed.

I bet though, if I was the worst person on Earth, there'd be ways to make some pretty good money out of it. Even if it was just charging people to not hang out with them. Or maybe I could do school assemblies and give a moving don't grow up like me speech. Or a political party could pay me big bucks to endorse someone from a rival party. Like I'm pretty sure that Jesse Jackson must be on the Republican party's payroll.

The possibilities for wealth are almost endless.

And it must be easier than being the best person on Earth, because nobody has ever accused me of that.

Malheur Dark Brut
Malheur Brut Reserve
Gouden Carolus Grand Cru
Gouden Carolus Classic
Malheur 10
Abbaye d'Aulne Triple Brune
Gouden Carolus Triple
Konigshoeven Quad

Except for the Koningshoeven, these are all new beers for me.

Rogue Ten Thousand Brew Ale
Allagash Curieux
Rodenbach
Rodenbach Grand Cru
Ommegang Three Philosophers
Avert The Reverend
Three Floyds Behemoth
Canaster Winterscotch
Cassissona
Delirium Tremens

All new to me except The Reverend and Delirium Tremens.

And I actually have even more waiting to be enjoyed. I just didn't want to post a picture of everything because I didn't want people to think I was a freak.