Somebody recently asked me, "Who's your distraction from your distraction?"

Really, it was a reasonable question. Maybe you had to be there.

I think I answered, "Nobody," or something like that. I didn't really pay attention to what I said because I was busy staring into her eyes, trying to find something hinting at the answer she wanted me to give.

I didn't find any hints in her eyes that day. So I just blurted out the truth. Good thing, I guess. One less lie to have to keep track of.

It wasn't really a very fun conversation.

I forget where I was going with this.

Probably to some place where I say that maybe I don't want any more distractions. That maybe I don't need any more distractions. That maybe what I really want and need is some time to grieve.

Let my distractions fail me and leave me, as they will surely do. As they all eventually do. I'm tired of them building on each other anyway. Feeding off of each other.

I bet it will be interesting, though, to see which one is left standing triumphant at the end.

I'm in a strange mood.

A typical day at work for me:

Coworker #1: Dave, you're fucking awesome.

Coworker #2: You just saved my project again, Dave. Thank you so much.

Coworker #3: Dave, whatever they're paying you, it's not enough. You're irreplaceable.

A typical performance review day at work for me:

Boss #1: You suck, Dave. I'd kill you right now if I wasn't worried about staining my clothes.

Boss #2: What was your name again? Are you sure you work here?

Boss #3: I think I stepped in some dog shit. Oh, wait, it's just you.

First, I find it amusing, to think of the gears that might start turning in pretty little heads, when I write an entry like my last one. Beautiful brows furrowing as lovely lasses try to figure out if I could have dreamed about them. Praying to whatever god(s) they believe in that it wasn't them that I slaked and sullied in my dream.

Like I said, I find it amusing, that I can create fear and concern in another person so easily but passion, passion remains a burden I must shoulder alone.

Okay, so maybe that last part isn't quite so funny to me.

Anyway.

Today I was trying to think of the craziest thing I could do. I do that a lot. Not that I intend to ever do any of these crazy things. They're just fun to think about every now and then. Plus, thinking about them kind of reminds me of where I've been. And not doing them gives grudging acknowledgment that I'm not there anymore.

Today I was thinking about getting married.

Oh, and the girl I'd marry? She wouldn't be there, and she wouldn't even know about it. But I'd still vow to love her and honor her and cherish her.

Actually, I already do all of those things. Maybe, in my heart, I'm already married. Maybe I just need to admit it to myself.

I'll probably have more to write about this, but for now I've got to try to remember why it's crazy. Right now, it seems perfectly reasonable. Expected even.

It would practically be a crime against love itself if I didn't do it.

I just had the nicest little strange dream.

You said something sweet to me, and I kissed you ever so softly.

Then, when your lips parted, I kissed you much more passionately.

I'm awake now, but I like to think that our dream selves continue that kiss, even now.

This entry brought to you by...

Allagash Four (22)

(bottle) Hazy brown. Minimal head. Aroma is complex and very strong, with malts and hops and nothing else. Flavor is mostly weird malts. Most Belgian quads feature dark fruit flavors, this is all malts. The two inches of sediment in the bottom of the bottle grossed me out. Overall, not bad, not great.

I'd bet that if bloggers took that advice to heart, then there'd be no bloggers.

Anyway, today I'm pissed. At pretty much the entire world.

I think I just get tired of hearing the same bullshit over and over, only to see it contradicted just as fiercely via actions and inactions.

Those two things speak louder than words. Actually, words don't speak at all. They mean nothing. They are hollow.

This is why I've given up. Because I've stopped listening to you people out there. Telling me how great I am, then turning your noses up at me when I show some emotion you don't agree with or understand. Offering comfort, but only so you'll feel less uneasy around me. Spouting advice, when you haven't a fucking clue as to what's happened to me.

It's all so fucking convenient, to seek my friendship when you need it. I'm always there. Where else would I go? But let me fucking need you, and you scatter like cockroaches in the middle of the night when the light is suddenly turned on. Because I don't fit into your mold. Because suddenly I'm the needy one. You reject the reality of the situation. You reject the truth. You reject me.

Today, I'm pissed. At pretty much the entire world.

When I left my house today, when I was driving to the mall, there was a red car coming the other way.

I think that the girl driving the red car waved at me, but it happened too quickly for me to be sure.

I think it might have been VigilanteGirl!

That would be cool. It would be even more cool if I'd get to talk to her again. I miss her.

Okay, fucking fine.

Today was kind of a weird day for me. Weird in a way that I'm not really sure I can describe. Or that I should describe.

The thing is, I'm thinking that I should probably be more sad than I am. Meanwhile, I should also be more happy than I am. Since I'm neither happy nor sad, despite various conspiracies, I'll just call it a weird day.

First, I went shopping again. Bought some work clothes.

I know, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Then I went over to The Pub and talked with BikerGirl for a bit while I had a Newcastle (4232). That was about the time when I figured that I'd managed to alienate both HatGirl and NotHideousGirl in the same week. This should have bothered me, but it didn't. At least, not as much as I'd have thought.

Then I called MixedSignalGirl.

I know, I'm not supposed to do that anymore. But I had a good reason, and I'm pretty sure that she'd agree that I had a good reason.

You know that bullshit saying about If you love something let it go blah blah blah? Well I'm testing that saying, and it sucks. Big giant green ones.

Then I came home and took a nap. I dreamed about my ex-wife. That always pisses me off. There are a gazillion people more worthy of my dreams than her. Oh well.

Then I went to Rich O's. I had a couple glasses of Fastenbier (132) and talked with some of the guys I know.

The place was a total sausage-fest tonight. Even more than usual.

Plus, I kinda got the feeling that FutureDude was irritated with me. I may have violated one of my prime directives: Never piss off a bartender.

Anyway.

I got tired of the sausage-fest, so I went over to Louisville. I figured that I'd just chill out at The Pub or at Hard Rock for a while, let today sink into me a bit.

No such luck.

Hard Rock was fucking closed.

The Pub was fucking closing as I walked up to the doors.

So I walked down to the Red Star, and they were still open, and the cutie bartender agreed to serve me a beer.

Yay!

So I had a heterosexual* Blue Moon (469) as is my custom in that place.

When I got up to leave the Red Star, I glanced over at one of the tables, and I saw a pretty brunette who kinda look familiar. I didn't think much of it though, until I got outside.

Once I got outside, I turned around, and there she was.

BadPickleGirl!

Yay!

So we went back inside and talked about various crap for a few minutes. It was good to see her.

Then I came home. I'd been thinking about going over to this Third Street Dive place, but by that time I'd had enough excitement.

* - without the ubiquitous fruit wedge

Anyway, today I went shopping at the mall for a while. My tax refund had finally come in, so I had to buy something or risk going more insane. I kept my spending somewhat in-check, so that was good. Some of this money is supposed to go towards my Las Vegas trip in June.

When I left the mall, it was snowing like a mother fucker. In April. Pretty damn weird.

I went to Hooters and had a couple Newcastles (4212) and a quesadilla. All were yummy. The bartender said that she liked my Pink Floyd shirt, and I returned the compliment for her skimpy Hooters top. Then I stopped by Rich O's and had a Mad Bitch (284). It was also quite good.

After a quick nap, I went back to Rich O's at 9:00 or so. It was really packed, and I stood around for a half-hour or so drinking a Fastenbier (77). It was pretty boring, but then three really great things happened.

First, TeamHotness came in. Second, some old people left the kiddie table. Third, some weirdoes left the bar.

So I sat at the kiddie table and TeamHotness sat at the end of the bar and I got to talk to them for a couple of hours.

There may have been other people at Rich O's, and in fact I'm pretty sure that there were other people there, but I didn't care because TeamHotness had my undivided attention.

Oh yeah, I had another Fastenbier at some point (94).

In case I've never explained this before, TeamHotness consists of two girls. I've never seen either of them without the other. One I call ImprobablyHotMarriedGirl and the other I call UnbearablyHotSingleGirl. I think I've used other, less descriptive, nicknames in the past, but I'm not sure. It doesn't matter anyway. They are TeamHotness, and I'm totally smitten with them.

Also, I've been trying to get some people to play 20 Questions with me. To guess what I bought at the mall. RockGirl isn't playing right, and I doubt she'll ever get it. StalkerGirl didn't respond to me until late. But NotHideousGirl played along via text-messaging and guessed correctly in thirteen questions.

Once TeamHotness left, it got boring really quickly. I ordered another Fastenbier, but I only drank a little bit of it (98). Then I talked to this one PBD about various crap. Some of the crap we talked about was LaptopGirl, and I got sad for a while, but I got over it quickly enough I suppose.

Near the end of the night I had an unexpectedly powerful urge to make out with NotHideousGirl. But I didn't. Partly because she wasn't there, but mostly for other reasons beyond my control. Such as, apparently, my hair color. So instead I just came home and petted my cats.

Not the same thing at all.

It was still a good night, though.

Observant readers may have noticed that I haven't mentioned my Easter weekend trip for a while. JS readers may have noticed that I took down my poll.

Well, here's the deal. I'm not going anywhere.

I have several excuses for staying home. A couple of them might even seem halfway reasonable, to some people. But to me, to me they add up to nothing but a thin coat of paint, trying to cover up the ugly fact that I've given up.

So tonight was virtual Friday for me. I'm off work tomorrow. Along with, apparently, every other person on Earth. Because every person on Earth was at Rich O's tonight. Except for about three people who I'd really liked to have seen. But, oh well.

Tonight featured two highlights for me. First, and I'm only mentioning this to justify the title of this entry, I had two yummy glasses of Aecht Schlenkerla Fastenbier (60).

Second, and this is the really cool part, I got to talk to a really cute girl for a few hours. She was there with SassyBoy, and she was nice, and cute, and young. Plus, she thought I was 25-years-old.

For some reason, partly because she asked but mainly because I'm stupid, I told her how old I am. The look on her face was priceless. Probably the same look I'd have gotten if I'd clawed my way out of a grave right in front of her. Except there was slightly less screaming in terror.

And now I'm completely smitten with this girl. This is a good thing, as long as I never see her again. I mean, it's pretty damn cool to be distracted from everyone and everything else for a few hours. That's what she did. She distracted me.

Oh, wait. She didn't quite distract me from thinking about one certain person, but c'mon, only HatGirl can do that.