(response to message)

You choose, I can't decide.

Doesn't matter because they're all hot.

Okay, you dream experts figure this one out for me. I have no clue.

I was a black kid. This wasn't particularly important and I probably wouldn't have even noticed it at all except that my mother and my grandfather and my older brother were black.

I got the sense that I was around ten years old.

We were living in a trailer park somewhere in New Albany, and we were all outside. It was a warm day. My brother and I were playing on the jungle gym and my mother was grilling steaks, and my grandfather was listening to something on the radio.

He had headphones on.

The sound of gunshots filled the air!

One of the neighbors called out, "They've got guns! Everybody DOWN!"

So I hit the ground and pretended like I was dead while the sounds of running and screaming and bang bang bang moved past me.

When I raised my head, I saw that my mother was lying on the ground with blood pouring from her head. My grandfather was still sitting in his chair with his headphones on and a small bullethole in the center of his forehead.

I looked around for my brother, but I didn't see him anywhere.

At first.

The gunshots started coming close again, so I laid back on the ground and tried to stop breathing so it would look like I was dead.

That's when my brother walked up to me and said, "You always were a little shit."

Then he shot me.

The first thing I noticed last night was the hot girl sitting in the loveseat.

The second thing I noticed was the other hot girl sitting on the sofa.

The third thing I noticed was that there were about a dozen other people crammed into the living room area. All strangers. Some kind of wedding reception or something. Classy.

So, there was no place to sit at all. I stood at the end of the bar for a while and talked to some of the PBDs. I had myself a Spezial (1170). Once this one lady left the other end of the bar I went and grabbed that seat.

So, I'd been there like 15 minutes, and I was already sitting in my new favorite seat. Not too bad I suppose.

My second beer was a Stone Smoked Porter (220). I sat with my back to the strangers and didn't talk to anyone for a long time. That's the way I like it though.

The strangers kept getting louder and louder. Eventually they progressed beyond simple loud talking and entered the WooHoo Zone.

So of course I decided that I hated them.

I hated them so much, in fact, that I'd pretty much decided that I would leave when my beer was gone.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was HatGirl and LuckyFucker!

Including HatGirl! Yay!

There was only one seat open at the bar, and HatGirl was going to take it, but this old fucker that I already hated made me hate him even more by taking that seat so he could eat.

So the three of us went out front and sat at a table for a while and talked mostly about the vacation they just finished.

I had myself a Weihenstephaner (816).

Once the WooHoos left we went in and sat in the living room area.

It was nice I guess. It's kind of hard work pretending that I'm talking to both of them with equal interest.

ElPresidente and FirstLady came in and joined us. Then ExBartender and Bubbles joined us. I started to get claustrophobic and I stayed that way until the crowd thinned out a little, but by then it was time to leave anyway so that's what I did.

For a while, you distracted me. But now there's nothing to distract me from, and you shine as brightly as ever.

So now, now you threaten to blind me and so I cannot risk looking at you the way I long to look at you.

Don't act so shocked. You're not stupid. This should not surprise you.

Timing is everything, they say.

I think I might have that engraved on my tombstone.

I had a bit of a realization a short while ago. Nothing Earth shattering, but surprising nevertheless.

I'm not going to tell you what it was.

Well, maybe some other time. Right now I'm just trying to kill a few minutes while my shirt dewrinkles.

I can't get this one song out of my head. It played on the radio while I was on the way home last night, as the universe was trying to be funny or ironic or something.

I'm not going to tell you what the song was, either.

At least not any more than I already have.

Man, I'm just full of secrets this evening. And shit. Can't forget that.

Hmmm, Secrets and Shit. There's my entry title right there. Cool, that's one less decision I'll have to make.

Right now, at Rich O's, there are three of my favorite beers on tap. Plus there are a few more than I can stand. This is very rare, especially lately.

I have to work tomorrow morning at 6:00, so that blows. But at least I can connect in from home so I don't have bother with clothing and I can sleep right up until the last minute.

There's a new cat living under my deck. It runs away whenever it sees me though. It's all black, so it might even be related to Spook, the cat that used to live there that died last Spring. I think I'm going to name this new cat Spook Jr.

I'm mildly apprehensive about tonight, but I'm no longer expecting to drop dead. I think I'm more worried about making an ass out of myself. There's probably nothing to worry about though. I just gotta make sure that I don't ever get back into that when I least expect it mode again. 'Cause that's when it will happen.

Tonight I'm going to wear my WTF? shirt that RockGirl gave me for my birthday. It's certainly appropriate for me these days.

Well, thanks for reading.

This morning I went and had my oil changed in my truck in preparation for next weekend's St. Louis trip.

There was a dude in the waiting room with me and, I shit you not, he kept mumbling over and over and over, "You are my world Jesus I trust you with all my heart."

This guy mumbled this phrase every 15 to 20 seconds for the entire hour that I was there. At first, I thought he was talking to me, and I figured he was in for a huge disappointment soon.

I was also thinking that, if the guy had looked Arabic, and if he'd been mumbling to Allah over and over like that, I'd have figured him for a suicide bomber about to blow the Valvoline Instant Oil Change place off the face of the Earth.

This bothers me that I felt this way. I mean, this fucker was obviously insane, but he was also clearly harmless. Give the same guy a different religion and a darker skin tone and I'd have been nervous as fuck.

I guess I should start the Friday report with the weather.

Around 3:00 is when the tornado warnings and severe thunderstorm warnings started hitting the area. I was working, but some people glued themselves to the local radar pages on the Internet. I overheard some people talking about tennis ball-sized hail in Georgetown. Even though these things are usually an exaggeration I used it as an excuse to leave and go see if my house had any busted windows or skylights.

It must have been a different Georgetown, because there was no hail at my house. The few leaves that have made an appearance this Spring are still on the trees, and any hail at all would have torn them down.

So I took a nap on my couch, and woke up at 7:30 to the sounds of my phone ringing and thunder rumbling. The call was from my sister, but when I tried to call her back I got no answer. I figured she was calling to make sure I knew about the weather, because when I turned on the TV there were huge red blobs all over the radar.

Nothing much happened at my house though. Just a lot of rain - and even the rain wasn't that impressive.

Once the red blobs had all moved East of me I took a shower and went to Rich O's.

The place was fairly full, and it seemed more full than it was because a lot of the PBDs were just standing around getting in everyone's way. I sat at the loveseat and had myself a BBC Jefferson's Reserve Bourbon Barrel Stout (100) and talked with HotEuchreGirl for a bit.

WomanRepellant came in and we bullshitted some too. He told me at first that HatGirl had been in last Friday, so I spent a few agonizing minutes torturing myself with thoughts of her being at Rich O's but not talking to me, but then we figured out that she had really been in on Saturday when I was at SassyGirl's party, so the suicide has been postponed.

That was a joke.

My second beer was a new one they're brewing at Rich O's:

NABC St. Radegund Bitter (10)

(cask) I guess I was expecting something bitter. You know, because of the name of the beer. This wasn't bitter at all. The aroma was malty and a little flowery. My first impression of the flavor was that it was watery. That watery impression did fade by the time I finished the glass. This beer is very easy to drink. Not my favorite though.

My last beer was going to be another half-pint of the BBC bourbon stuff (104), but MixedSignalGirl called me so I only had a few sips.

I talked to her last night.

I traded text messages with her today.

I saw her tonight.

I am completely blown away by the stark and glaring realization of what I've ignored and brushed aside in my blind rush to a place that I could never reach and that I never wanted to go to in the first place.

Fortunately, happiness is not completely subjective. I can see and I did see the optimism and the delight and the well-being in her eyes tonight. I am so happy for her, and so a part of me is happy for myself.

It was a good thing, the honesty I shared with her. It might even be the best thing I ever did.

It will take time to fully accept what it is that I've ignored and turned my back on. But time is something that I seem to have plenty of lately.

It might be the best thing I ever did.

But right now, right now it feels like the worst.

Stolen from laideehawk

And, on that note, I'm going to bed now.