I've got nothing.

I know, I always say that. I always say that then I usually still manage to shit out an entry. An entry about something, which by definition is not nothing.

Anyway, I wonder if I'll ever look back at this time in my life with anything even remotely resembling fondness. I really can't imagine it happening. I can't imagine ever thinking you know, that was a pretty exciting and interesting time for me, or boy, I sure learned a lot about myself back then, or at least I wasn't bored, or even that was a really tough period of my life, but I came out of it as a better person than I went in as.

Speaking of this whole something vs. nothing debate - If the word complicated is used to describe it, that makes it a something, right?

Right?

I mean, if it was nothing then why bother to assign an adjective?

But I digress.

Offer me a pill that would erase the last two years of my life, and I'd take it in a heartbeat. Show me a time machine that would let me go back, back to before I went out that night, and I'd sell my soul for a chance to make that trip.

Alternatively, if given a chance to jump ahead, to skip forward in time to some imagined day when all of this bullshit is in my past and exists only in my memory instead of forming such an integral part of my consciousness - well, you just try stopping me from jumping at that opportunity.

Most people are going to read this, and they're going to shake their heads. Nat will probably want to kick my ass, again. Most people will read this and they'll figure that I'm being a little too dramatic, again.

Most people who read this just aren't going to understand.

But that's okay, because I'm right in the fucking middle of it, and I don't understand it either.

I am learning a lot about myself. I won't deny that. But some lessons are too hard-fought. Some prices are too steep. Some stones are better left unturned. Some monsters are better left lurking in the shadows.

Let me go back to before, and I'll go. Let me move ahead to after, and I'll go.

I'll go. Either would be better than this fucking now I find myself standing in.

Every season, for the past couple at least, I do this. Usually, after a few weeks, I get sick of the voters being so stupid and I stop watching. There'll never be another Kelly anyway.

Anyway, since I don't plan to sleep until probably Sunday, I went ahead and watched the Tuesday and Wednesday performances.

These are the notes I took while watching. I take these notes before listening to the judges comments. The scores I assign are completely arbitrary.

2/21 (Girls)

Mandisa: Stupid name. A blah, boring performance except when she missed notes, then she sucked. (60 points)

Kellie: Smoldering hot. She lost track of what key she was singing in a few times. I really like her voice though. (70 points)

Becky: Yummy. She mumbled her way through the song, and she seemed to use at least three different singing voices, and she missed some notes. I still liked her though, and I don't think it's only because she's so cute. (70 points)

Ayla: I thought she did a very good job, but I couldn't shake the Disney soundtrack vibe I got from her performance. (80 points)

Paris: She's just an adorable little thing, and a wonderful talent. She doesn't need this show. (95 points)

Stevie: Hot, and she knows it. She says the word opera too often. She seems a little full of herself. I like her voice - it's nice and pure. Pretty good. (75 points)

Brenna: Quite cute. I hate the song she sang, and her singing didn't make up for it. Not at all. She's funny and charming though. (60 points)

Heather: Quite hot. Weird, her voice doesn't match her appearance. Beyond that, nothing remarkable. (65 points)

Melissa: Wow, another hot girl. I love her speaking voice, and she carried that into her singing. She did mumble a lot though. I like her. (75 points)

Lisa: One of my favorites all along. She's another Tamyra Gray. Wow. (85 points)

Kinnik: Stupid name, stupid song choice, boring performance. (65 points)

Katharine: Hot. She looked like she was having a seizure while singing. She sang the shit out of the song though. (85 points)

If I were America, I'd eliminate Mandisa and Kinnik this week. Unfortunately for me, I'm not America, so I expect one or both of them to stay in while someone more deserving gets eliminated. Probably Heather and Ayla if I had to guess.

And, for the more important question - if all of the hot girls came to me and offered themselves to me sexually, and I had to pick just one, who would it be?

Kellie, without a doubt. She's marryin' material.

2/22 (Guys)

The guys are never as good as the girls on this show, and I don't think this season will prove me wrong.

Patrick: Great song. It's tough going first I bet. Good but not great performance. (70 points)

David: Cool name. A one-trick pony. This asshole will probably stay week after week while more talented singers get eliminated. I hate him already.

Bucky: Bucky? Are you fucking kidding me with that name? Great song, and he sang it very well. He's got a very unique voice. (80 points)

Will: Stupid song. This guy is probably good in his high school plays. (65 points)

Jose: The falsetto was a surprise, and not a particularly good one for me. This guy can do better than this. (70 points)

Chris: He looks familiar to me. He's one of my favorites. He sang a great song, and had a great but forgettable performance. He could go a long way in this competition. (85 points)

Kevin: The question with this guy is - Does he sing well enough to make up for being such a nerd? And the answer is no. A good song choice and a good performance. (75 points)

Gedeon: He spells his own name wrong, and he talks like a preacher. He sang well though. This was the first time I've liked him. (80 points)

Elliott: He seemed very nervous, and he picked a shitty song. A boring and forgettable performance. I do like his voice though. (65 points)

Bobby: Stupid song. This guy should be singing at weddings, not on my TV, and certainly not on my radio. (60 points)

Ace: Probably a finalist because the chicks like him. It helps that he sings very well. Second best of the night. (86 points)

Taylor: Great song. This guy is a great singer, even if he does seems a little cheesy at times. Best of the night, but just barely. (87 points)

The problem with making predictions for the guys is that it's all teenage girls doing the voting. I'd like to see David and Kevin go home, but because teenage girls are, well, teenage girls, I expect it to be somebody with more talent that leaves. Maybe Bobby and/or Gedeon.

If I live through this weekend, then I may truly be invincible.

I've been tagged to do this by stardancer2023.

1. I'm not really sure what I've been tagged to do. Write random crap, I guess. Just like always.


2. I'm going to count that last one, and this one too.


3. I told EwokGirl that some chick came by her desk to see her yesterday. I told her that she had brown hair and smiled a lot. This wasn't good enough for EwokGirl. Some people are just never satisfied. I mean, what does she want, the girl's name or something?


4. SassyGirl called me last night and told me that Rich O's had reduced the seating in the living room area by getting new, smaller, furniture. This strikes me as a wonderful idea. Not.


5. My surprisaphobia will peak this weekend, and then hopefully fade back to normal after that.


6. Is there a minimum number of these I'm supposed to do?


7. I'm going to count that one too, and this one. So ha ha.


8. This weekend is the start of Gravity Head at Rich O's, and I have to work. Just like I had to work in December when Saturnalia started.


9. I've got like eight hours of American Idol on my TiVo that I haven't watched yet.


10. I think that's it.

I'd normally just blame EwokGirl for this, but I'm sure that the fire drill we had at work yesterday morning had something to do with it.

She's right, of course.

I sometimes wonder what I'm doing here.

I mean, I know why I started doing this. I started doing this just because I wanted to keep an online diary. Nothing fancy. Nothing special. Nothing interesting.

But sometime over the past couple of years my reason evolved into something else. Something much more difficult. Something much more rewarding.

At some point I went from wanting to write, to wanting to be a writer. Every now and then I feel like I manage that feat, but not as often as I'd like. And certainly never without some emotion behind it, fueling the words.

So I let my feelings start to flow again, and I wait for inspiration. Beyond that, I wait for new inspiration. And I get nothing but the same old crap that I've already rehashed so often that even I'm bored with it.

And this makes me wonder. It makes me wonder what I'm doing here.

This is a BaggyDraggs.

In four minutes, I'll have gone another birthday without a greeting from her.

It astonishes me that I somehow manage to be surprised by this.

Again.

I'd actually been hoping to leave work early today, because of my birthday.

But nooooooooooooooooooo!

We had a 1.5 hour meeting that magically turned into a 3 hour meeting, so I didn't get to leave until normal time.

After work I went by Rich O's to see SassyGirl, who I didn't get to see over the weekend at my pre-birthday thingy because she had to work.

I had a couple glasses of t Smisje Wostyntje Mustard Ale (74).

I got a Happy Birthday text message from HatGirl!

Yay!

And then, HatGirl called me!

Double-Yay!

And then, after a while, HatGirl came into Rich O's.

Triple-Yay!

We didn't talk much though, and she left rather abruptly.

I finished her Guinness (1097).

Then I went to Pizza Hut and then I called HatGirl to make sure she wasn't too pissed at me (To be fair, I had warned her that my recent reversion would turn me into a dick.) and then I came home.

Happy Birthday to me!