(This entry brought to you by Alaskan Smoked Porter.)

Stay away.

If you value, even a little, whatever good mood you might happen to be in, then just stay away from me for a while.

I will ruin your mood. I will open my big fat mouth, and I will vomit the truth all over you, and it will not be pretty.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: Often, when I write something like this, my sister calls me and asks if it's her that I'm ranting about and/or to. If, for example, I write about how pissed I am at someone, she'll call me and ask if it's her that I'm pissed at. Of course I tell her that it's not. I wonder why, when I write about some all-consuming love or even some mild crush that I'm feeling, she never calls me then to see if that's about her. I guess there are limits to her paranoia.

Anyway, I don't think that I want to hold anything back anymore. At least not for a while.

Holding things back has gotten me exactly nowhere. Telling the truth has gotten me exactly nowhere.

But at least, if I tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth - at least then I might be able to sleep at night. Instead of being up all fucking night when I have to work the next day. Again.

I want to be able to sleep again. I really do.

So just stay away from me.

Seriously, back the fuck off.

Wow, I'm at 6,976 JournalSpace readers.

So I'll probably hit 7,000 sometime today.

For some reason, I want it to be for a real entry. Not a stupid list. Not a comic. I want it to be something a little bit deeper.

I don't really have anything deep, so this will have to do.

A friend and I have been discussing the ignore game lately. The ignore game is quite simple: Whoever initiates contact - an email, a phone call, a text message, whatever - gets one point. The goal of the ignore game is to have the lowest score.

I am a champion at this game.

I almost never contact anyone first. I always respond when contacted, but that's it. For me to actually initiate contact is pretty rare.

I guess I should point out that this game is played mainly against people with whom you have a crush or other romantic interest, or at least against someone who you suspect has such an interest in you. You play the game to find out if your opponent is interested in you or not. It's not as quick as simply asking, but it's a lot safer to the ego.

It is very important, and I cannot stress this enough - the other person must not know that you're playing.

Because then it's just a stubborn contest, and it can last for years.

Because you know you care, here's every town I've ever lived in, in order:

Maplewood, Indiana: 1965-1966
Lanesville, Indiana: 1966-1971
Maplewood, Indiana: 1971-1983
San Antonio, Texas: 1983
Biloxi, Mississippi: 1983
Belleville, Illinois (3 places): 1983-1985
Mascoutah, Illinois: 1985-1986
Belleville, Illinois: 1986
Bellevue, Nebraska (4 places): 1986-1989
Plattsmouth, Nebraska: 1989-1991
Bellevue, Nebraska: 1991-1992
Auburn, Washington: 1992-1993
Kent, Washington: 1993-1994
Auburn, Washington: 1994
Metairie, Louisianna: 1994-1995
Kent, Washington: 1995-1997
Anchorage, Alaska: 1997
Kent, Washington: 1997-1998
Memphis, Tennessee: 1998
Maplewood, Indiana: 1998-1999
Georgetown, Indiana: 1999-present

Isn't that exciting?

Four jobs I have had:
1. Computer Programmer
2. Pool League Operator
3. Bartender
4. Computer Consultant

Four Movies I can watch over and over again:
1. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
2. Independence Day
3. Dances With Wolves
4. The Matrix

Four Places I have lived:
1. Bellevue, Nebraska
2. Kent, Washington
3. Metairie, Louisianna
4. Anchorage, Alaska

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Pizza Hut thin-crust ham & pineapple pizza
2. Chili - with beef and pasta, but no beans
3. Blackened fish from Red Lobster
4. Cheeseburger and fries

Four TV shows I like:
1. 24
2. Lost
3. Survivor
4. My Name is Earl

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Las Vegas, Nevada
2. Portland, Maine
3. Gatlinburg, Tennesse
4. Lake Chelan, Washington

Four sites I visit Daily:
1. Journalspace
2. Fark
3. Dooce
4. Slashdot

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. At home
2. Las Vegas
3. Belgium
4. Antarctica

So I'm not in the best of moods right now.

Hard to believe, I know. I'm usually nothing but giggles and grins and I shit fluffy bunnies.

I don't know what that means.

After work I went by Rich O's. SassyGirl's Gay Night thingy is really picking up steam, and I'm not needed there anymore. In fact, I'm quite literally in the way. I realized this fact pretty quickly, so I just had myself a Dark Horse Tres Blueberry Stout (80) and then left.

I didn't even bother to say goodbye to anyone. I do that sometimes, partly because I'm a dick, but mostly because I don't want to have to explain myself and my mood when a bunch of strangers are sitting around listening.

Right now would be a good time to have a million dollars. Quite unlike all those other times when having a million dollars would just suck. If I had it right now, I'd go somewhere. I don't know where I'd go, but I'd just disappear for a while. No cell phone. No laptop. No nothing. I was reading another journal today in which the guy wrote about maybe going to Russia or Japan. The idea the guy had was to just get away from everything - including the language and the cultures that he's accustomed to.

It sounded like a good idea to me. But, then again, a lot of things sound like a good idea until you actually do them.

I did think about traveling a lot today. Easter weekend is coming up, and I'll be going somewhere for that. I don't have a fucking clue where though. I think about maybe going back to Portland, or maybe New York City, or maybe even Niagara Falls. I also think about going to Myrtle Beach, and that's probably my leading choice right now, though I don't know why.

In the Fall, I really think that I want to go to Hawaii. I've been saving my miles up for years. First, I saved enough for a trip for one, then I saved up enough for a first-class trip. Next, because I used to be an actual optimist if you can believe that, I saved up enough for two people to take the trip.

See, the idea was that I'd have someone special to go with me.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I kill me.

I guess I could go to Hawaii by myself, and that way I could also go to Jamaica or something. Or Europe.

My company has offices all over the world. I've hinted several times that I'd like a chance to be on a team that visits these offices someday. Maybe I should hint more strongly.

I could go to Australia and find out what happened to Jodie.

I could go to London and try to find EnglishGirl.

I could get the fuck away from my life here for a while. That's the most important part.

A few months ago, I asked myself this question:

Now that I know what I'm really capable of feeling, will I ever be willing to settle for anything less?

For I experienced the pinnacles of both sorrow and joy, often at the same moment. I know, I fucking know, that I'll never experience any emotion as strongly again. For if I do, then I'm done for.

I'm thinking right now that it's a good thing that the heart has no memory of its own.

What the heart experiences, it's up to the brain to remember. And that memory is not even close to perfect. So I remember everything that I went through, but only from a sort of third-person perspective.

I remember pain, but I can't relive it even if, during some episode of insanity perhaps, I decide that I want to relive it. I remember love, but I can't cue it up and replay it on those lonely nights when the only thing darker than the moonless and overcast sky is the center of my soul.

It's like looking though an old photo album. Those images may evoke emotion, but it's new emotion, diluted and deflated and diminished by the simple fact that it's not happening now.

To feel something and to have felt something. A simple shift in tense, that's all. But that's enough. That's enough to make a difference, and that difference is also enough. Enough to give me a glimmer of hope for the future. Enough to keep me from shutting down for good. Enough to keep me searching for someone special, and to prevent me from simply giving up.

Enough to give me an answer to my question.

So, was settle the wrong word to use? Was less too abrupt a dismissal for feelings that may not surface for years, if at all?

Perhaps, and perhaps.

But it's not the question that's important. Only the answer matters.

And the answer is yes.

I keep thinking up all these great ideas for something to write about.

I know they're great ideas, because I've had them before, and I've written them down in this journal before.

What I need is a new idea, but the only one I've had recently is still rattling around in my head. It's trying to get out, but I'm keeping it locked up for a while longer.

Meanwhile, I feel like I could make an entire entry that consisted of nothing but links to old entries.

That would probably be boring.

It would certainly be lazy.

Maybe I should take a writing class. Do I really need all these single-sentence paragraphs?

I doubt it.

Maybe I'll drink that last Alaskan Smoked Porter from my fridge. Maybe that'll jog something loose in my head.

Something new, I hope.