The other day I was nagging at Roger, the owner of Rich O's, about the lack of chocolate stouts on tap. After he'd assured me that my beer-off was only postponed and not cancelled, we talked a bit about other beers.

One of the topics was the idea of a kind of customer appreciation mini-festival to fill in some of the gaps between the three big festivals. Roger's idea was that he'd take a single customer and make it a point to have several of that customer's favorite brews on tap at the same time.

This is a great idea, I think. And it's an even better idea if I get to be the customer being honored.

I don't know if anything like this will ever actually come to pass, but it could be a fun little fantasy exercise. So, I'm going to pretend that the first annual DaveFest is going to take place in the Spring.

The rules are these:

1. Six taps will be provided for beers of my choosing, but I should specify at least ten beers so that alternates are available if any of my main selections cannot be procured.


2. I need to choose beers that Roger can actually get, so no Alaskan Amber and no Alaskan Smoked Porter or anything else that he can't get in a keg.


3. I need to choose beers that he will actually sell, so no Newcastle.


4. Some beers are always on anyway, like Guinness, so I needn't bother specifying them.

• Delirium Tremens


• Rogue Smoke


• Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier


• Rogue Chocolate Stout


• Arcadia Scotch Ale


• Goose Island Honkers Ale

• De Dolle Dulle Teve (Mad Bitch)


• Bell's Kalamazoo Stout


• Avery Old Jubilation


• Two Brothers Domain DuPage French Style Country Ale


• Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale


• Piraat

If I were able to select six beers and there were no rules, those six beers would be:

• Delirium Tremens


• Alaskan Smoked Porter


• Harpoon Winter Warmer


• Rogue Chocolate Stout


• Alaskan Amber


• Baltika 6

I know these things are coming, so I'll just go ahead and reuse this one from last year.

What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Drove almost to the Grand Canyon. Had a rock for a while. Started trying to be evil.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'd wanted to spend more time with people from my past. I didn't do it. In 2006 I'd like to remain sane.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

Did anyone close to you die?
My cat Spook died in May.

What countries did you visit?
Stayed in the United States.

What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Same as last year - a billion dollars.

What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 9th and August 19th are tied. Both days really sucked.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Successfully bottling shit up, fucking finally.

What was your biggest failure?
Thinking that I was ready for something when I wasn't even close, then doing it again a few months later.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had several little feverish ailments that were more annoying than anything else.

What was the best thing you bought?
Can't think of anything special.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Not mine, that's for sure.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
You get one guess, and it's not me.

Where did most of your money go?
Random crap.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Las Vegas in May and then again in December.

What song will always remind you of 2005?
This "Let's Get Loud" song that they play at The Rio in Las Vegas all the time.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Happier
Older or wiser? Wiser
Thinner or fatter? Thinner
Richer or poorer? Richer

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Travelled. Practiced my bank shots.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Feeling sorry for myself.

How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas is over.

How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Haven't decided yet.

Did you fall in love in 2005?
No.

How many one-night stands?
One, and one fling.

What was your favorite TV program?
Lost.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I picked myself an enemy, and I hate him.

What was the best book you read?
Evolution, by Stephen Baxter.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I had any.

What did you want and get?
Some sleep.

What did you want and not get?
Real closure.

What was your favorite film of this year?
Nothing stands out.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Met with some friends and family at Rich O's. I turned 40.

What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Finding a kindred spirit that understood what I was going through.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Same as it is every year - whatever's clean and not wrinkly.

What kept you sane?
Not applicable. Things are better though.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I adore Kelly Clarkson.

What political issue stirred you the most?
No one particular issue, but the polarization has become pretty annoying.

Who did you miss?
You get one guess.

Who was the best new person you met?
Don't know if this counts as actually meeting her, but RockGirl.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
Sometimes even a trickle is too much. Sometimes you have to block things completely.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Same as last year - All in all it was just bricks in the wall.

...that sometimes the cure can end up being worse than the disease.

I should really shut up now.

So I will.

Before going out tonight, I first had to get ready.

Tonight was going to be the big beer-off between two of my all-time favorites; Rogue Chocolate stout and Upland Chocolate Stout.

I was way too excited over a couple of beers being on tap at the same time, but I'm bottling everything else up and I need to have some outlet for my emotions, so fuck off.

Besides, I take my duties as unofficial Rich O's beer reviewer very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that I had VigilanteGirl help me put together a special uniform for tonight's activities.

Behold me in all my scruffy and/or evil glory:

If you look closely enough (not at my crotch you perverts) you may notice a reflective patch on my shirt. This shirt normally says Irish Stout Official Taster on it but tonight, for one night only, the word Irish has been replaced:

At around 4:30, I called the bar and asked Roger, the owner, if he was going to shatter my dreams again. He assured me that both of my favorite chocolate stouts were indeed on tap.

Having thus confirmed that my mission was still a go, I arrived at Rich O's a little after 5:00 PM. Right off the bat, I checked the board:

Yay! They were both listed!

Did I mention that I was excited?

Well, I was.

I ordered a half glass of Rogue Chocolate Stout (318) and a half glass of Upland Chocolate Stout (70), which will hereafter in this entry be referred to simply as Rogue and Upland, and I sat in the throne with my beers and my notebook to begin my beer-off.

With both beers in front of me, calling to me, I tried to remain as scientific and impartial as I could. I alternated each beer through each of the following tests:

Color

Upland: Jet Black
Rogue: Jet Black
Conclusion: Tie

Head

Upland: Beige, faded quickly to a thin coating
Rogue: Light brown, lasted forever
Conclusion: Rogue easily wins this contest

Aroma

Upland: Good chocolate aroma, a bit sharp when inhaled deeply
Rogue: Rich and malty chocolate aroma
Conclusion: Rogue easily wins this contest

Flavor

Upland: Dryer than I remembered, with a touch of coffee but mostly a slightly bitter chocolate - yummy
Rogue: Tastes like it smells, rich and malty and chocolately - fucking yummy
Conclusion: Rogue easily wins this contest

Mouthfeel

Upland: A decent thickness, more syrupy than anything else
Rogue: Thick and creamy
Conclusion: Rogue wins this contest by a nose

Overall Winner

Rogue wins in a landslide.

I want to make this perfectly clear: The Upland Chocolate Stout is a fucking fantastic beer. On any night in which the Rogue wasn't on tap, the Upland would almost definitely be my favorite. There's not a damn thing wrong with the Upland - it's just no Rogue. And that's not such a bad thing. I, for example, am no Brad Pitt, but give me a try and you'll keep coming back. Unless Brad just happens to be in the room, then I'm screwed.

Please read this crap from July:

don't say i didn't warn you

and the following entry:

some of your guesses were pretty funny

Okay.

Saturday night after I left my grandmother's house, I went to a secret thing. It was all very hush-hush, and I felt privileged to even know about it, let alone be allowed to attend.

After that I went to do some more secret stuff.

I feel like a spy or something.

Or a criminal.

So because everything's a big secret, this entry will just be to say that I had myself a couple of pints of Bell's Double Cream Stout (80), and then a glass of De Dolle Stille Nacht (32). All were yummy.

Today I watched a couple of movies, then I typed The World's Longest And Most Boring E-Mail to RockGirl, then I watched a couple more movies.

Right now I'm getting ready to watch another movie, and I'm drinking a Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (247), one of several yummy and/or exotic-sounding beers that I've stocked into my fridge lately. I had, before the secret thingy presented itself, planned to just come home Saturday night and play pool and drink beer, so that's why I've all of a sudden got beer in my house.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past couple of years it's this: Shit happens.

Sometimes there are no logical explanations. Sometimes there is no reasonable justification. Sometimes there are no acceptable excuses.

Sometimes, shit just happens and that's all there is to it.

Some of us will fight the inevitable until we're so beaten down that we can't even remember what we were fighting against.

Some of us, however, will recognize and bow to the inevitable, and let the chips fall where they may afterwards.

The inevitable is fucking awesome sometimes.

But other times, other times you look around you, and you see all those damn chips scattered all over the place, and you realize that somebody had better clean up this fucking mess.

You get one guess as to who gets to clean it up.

Actions have consequences, and just because something is inevitable doesn't mean that everyone is going to understand why it happened. That it had to happen. That if it hadn't happened today it would have happened tomorrow, or next week, or next year.

So I'll spend some time cleaning up this mess, and I'll try to remember that maybe it is going to happen again, but there's no reason that it can't wait a while. If it's really inevitable, then it's probably worth that wait.

It was fucking awesome though.

Once I left my sister's house, and the holiday festivities therein, I headed down to Rich O's for HatGirl's birthday celebration.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: I was only a few seconds from Dina's house when she called me to tell me that I had a taillight out on my truck. Since this is a time of year that cops are just dying for any excuse to pull people over, I stopped at my house and switched to my Intrepid before continuing to Rich O's. Now this morning I can't figure out how to get the damn bulb out so I can replace it.

Rich O's was, as expected, pretty fucking crowded. After a quick nod to my friends I checked out the blackboard, just to confirm that what I'd been promised on Tuesday was indeed happening on Friday.

It wasn't.

There was supposed to be Rogue Chocolate Stout and Upland Chocolate Stout, both on tap at the same time.

I'd been looking forward to it all week. I'd been telling everyone I knew about this special occasion. Mouths all over Floyd County were watering at the thought of these two beers, side-by-side, vying for the title of Best Fucking Stout On Planet Earth.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I spotted Roger, the owner, holding court at the bar, so I went and talked to him about this lack of chocolate stouts. He assured me that both kegs are on the premises, and that either Monday or Tuesday they'll be on tap. Yay!

So, once I'd gotten over my initial disappointment, I selected something from the board.

Bell's Special Double Cream Stout (20)

(draft) A nice roasty chocolate flavor. The extra alcohol, as compared to similar stouts, seemed unnecessary to me, and annoyed me a little. A beer this good doesn't need the alcohol gimmick.

The front area is just weird. I don't think I like it out there. But after RealTrainGirl left I pretty much stayed out there for the rest of the night, mainly watching HatGirl and her sister play some card game that I've never heard of called "speed."

Since the Saturnalia board was actually looking a little boring to me, my second beer was the same as the first; another Bell's (40).

My last beer was a half-pint of Guinness (1000).

I didn't say this would be an interesting entry. I had fun, but a couple of things happened that gave me pause. I won't be writing about them here.

Every year I say I'm going to stop giving out gift certificates, and go back to legitimate gifts. Then, every year when I ask my sisters for a wish-list, they tell me that they want gift certificates because they love shopping so much and they never get to shop for themselves and please don't stop the gift certificates.

So, every year, I end up giving out gift certificates again.

This year my laziness expanded. I gave gift certificates to both of my sisters, my niece Bethany, my nephew Cory, my sister's Neisha's husband Chris, and my sister Dina's fiancé Kenny. This is what everybody wanted, but it really does seem very lazy to me.

I always give money to Neisha so she can shop for "my" gifts for her kids. So I'm always just as surprised as they are by what I give them. Like that one year when I gave Devynne a bunch of panties. Not creepy at all.

I always get my grandmother the same thing every year - some Red Door perfume - so that's no effort.

The only person who gets any effort from me at all is the youngest - my nephew Gehrid. For him I actually went and bought toys.

Anyway, last night was Christmas for the Siltz siblings and their kids.

Since my sisters are the only ones that buy me anything, I usually do pretty well. I got a book I'd specifically asked for, and some other pool and/or beer related things that are quite cool.

All of Dina's gifts made her cry. Except the gift certificate of course. I think next year we're just going to hold Dina down and pinch her since she likes crying so much.

Tonight is the annual Christmas Eve At Grandma's House, where what's left of my father's side of the family gets together and takes pictures of each other. I'm sure that my grandmother will cry a lot when she opens her gifts. Even the perfume which she always knows she's getting. My dad used to get it for her.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in.