I don't believe in them. I don't. I can't.

If you believe in one, then you have to believe in the other.

For every child that's born, another is taken in a senseless accident. For every lottery winner, a loving father contracts cancer. For every likeness of Jesus on a piece of toast or in the bark of a tree, an old woman slips and falls in her tub, and dies alone.

Fuck that.

There is no purpose. No divine intervention.

There are no miracles.

But, I wait for one. What form it might take, I don't know.

It will have to be a real doozy.

I wait, because that's all I can do. Hope is beyond me, has been beyond me for a long time, but I can wait.

Just in case. I want to be ready.

When I was in the shower, some chick left me a voicemail.

"Ellen, it's me. Call me at work when you get this."

Should I call her and tell her that she dialed the wrong number?

Does it matter that she sounded cute?

(UPDATE: I texted her that she'd dialed the wrong number earlier.)

At first, I had a typo that said proof that I'm alice. Rest assured, though, I'm not Alice. I'm Dave.

It's a very weird feeling. And more than a little unsettling.

I spent all that time wondering what it would take. And now, now that it really finally seems to have happened, my mind has gone idle and stagnant without that all-encompassing question that had replaced the earlier all-encompassing question that had replaced the even earlier all-encompassing question.

There is another, lurking in the shadows of my mind, waiting to take the stage, but it might not ever have its chance.

Because what's a question with an answer?

Not much, that's what.

Q: What am I supposed to do now?

A: Nothing. There's no point.

Wow, it's late. Or early. I'm not even sure what to call it. I guess it's late because I haven't slept, but it's early because the Sun will rise soon. It's about perspective, I guess.

Anyway.

I knew this was going to happen. There was zero doubt in my mind. I was going to be told a lie, and I was going to believe it, and then the truth was going to crush me all over again.

What sucks extra hard is that this time, I think, I invited the lie.

Oops.

It's not like I'm perfect, though. Far from it, actually.

I'm living not just one, but two lies right now. Both are lies of omission, but as I've said before, lies of omission are still lies. One is wonderful and selfless, and the other is horrible and selfless, but they're still lies.

I hate liars. So it really sucks that I'm one myself.

How do you say that which needs to be said, knowing that it will destroy?

I don't know. I just don't know. My brilliant plan is to die before I ever confess.

And the other truth? The one that would absolutely fall upon deaf ears?

Why bother?

Because it needs to be said?

Who says so?

Me?

Who the fuck am I?

Tonight, I won't be in my garage. Nope, I'll be on my roof.

I'll be watching the Gamma Virginids meteor shower. This is a minor shower, and it's one that I normally ignore, but last night there was a huge fireball. I didn't get to see it - I guess it was visible way North of here - but maybe tonight there'll be another one.

That would be cool, I think. I've seen small fireballs before, but never one as huge as the one last night.

I have other shit to write about than this. No, really, I do. It's all rattling around in my head. All the time. It's quite distracting, actually.

But it's almost all mean stuff, or at least critical stuff. And I don't want to write anything like that. Not right now. Maybe never. I'm trying to be a good person, here. Get over it.

Anyway.

I didn't watch the show last week. I gather there was some drama with a "save" and some people were happy and some people were pissed. I don't know. Like I said, I didn't watch it.

Anyway again.

This week was Elvis songs. So, for me, this week promised to suck. There, I said it. I'm not an Elvis fan. Get over it.

Crystal: She somehow managed to find an Elvis song I'd never heard before. Boring. Minus 10 points for the guitar, and minus 805 points for the fucking backup singers. (-780 points)

Andrew: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It was a bad Elvis impersonation. He changed it up, but he needed to change it more. A lot more. (50 points)

Tim: Nice song. He did a good job of making it sound current and unlike an Elvis cover. I took off 10 points for the guitar. (65 points)

Lee: WTF is up with all the damn guitars? I thought this was supposed to be a singing competition. I took off 10 for the guitar, but Lee did a really good job with a well-known song. (75 points)

Aaron: A high school musical version of an Elvis classic. I wanted to beat him up and stuff him into a locker. (20 points)

Siobhan or however she spells it: Smoking hot, and a great song. The performance seemed a little night-clubby to me, until the end, when it was great. I gave 25 bonus points for being so hot, then I took 15 of those points away for the damn nose ring. I think she should stop singing and move into the porn industry. (68 points)

Mike: Not even close to my favorite song. This guy is an amazing singer, though. I took off 10 points for the damn guitar, and 5 points for the stupid song choice. Other than those two things, I found no problems whatsoever. (85 points)

Katie: Another song I never heard before. The singing was good. The voice very forgettable. The horn section was waaaaaaaaaaay too loud. (60 points)

Casey: Zzzzzzzzzzzz. I don't care. I really don't. (50 points)

People change. They can change and sometimes they do change.

I'm living proof of this. HatGirl is another example.

And this wouldn't even be that much of a change. Just a stripping of some bullshit veneer.

It could happen.

Great, now I have stupid hope again.