For years, I'd thought about doing something here for April Fools Day.

Disclaimer: I don't know if it's supposed to be April Fools Day or April Fools' Day or April Fool's Day. A google search reveals all three variants. I'm just going to use the first choice because it's easier.

Anyway, I'd wanted to do a hoax or a prank for a long time. The problem was that, every year, I wouldn't remember that I wanted to do something until around 10:00 PM on April 1st. And by then it was pretty much too late. Well, this year, I remembered around noon on March 31st, so this year, it was on.

It took me a while to decided exactly what to do, though. I wanted it to be something at least halfway believable - something that, if it happened any other day, would solicit some surprise and maybe some shock, but not too much disbelief. I also wanted it to be something good or at least neutral. Like, I didn't want to announce to the world that I had some terminal disease, or that I was moving to Alaska. Those things might have upset some people.

Full disclosure: I actually did consider the Alaska story for quite a while. But I decided against it because there are a couple of people who might have been upset at the thought of me moving so far away.

I told my sisters to ignore anything I posted on April 1st, and then later I told HatGirl the same thing. I felt that HatGirl would make a good co-conspirator, no matter what I ended up choosing for my hoax.

It wasn't until I got home Wednesday night that I decided what I'd be doing. Actually, it was StupidGirl's idea. I'd propose to her, then fly to Las Vegas Thursday morning and we'd get married. Because of her involvement, the entire hoax moved to where it was mostly on facebook, and only on barenada.com as overspray. StupidGirl played along fantastically. She added her own posts to facebook to complement my own. She even found a copy of a Nevada wedding certificate that I could Photoshop and post.

HatGirl added to the hoax as well, by posting how excited she was for us. And then several others unwittingly joined in the fun by believing that it was all real.

It was the perfect choice. It was something that people could actually imagine me doing. Hell, it was something that I could imagine me doing. We had so much fun with it that StupidGirl and I were both actually sad when our fake marriage ended.

I'm already trying to think of something to do for next year. So far, I've got nothing, but there's still plenty of time. It's been suggested that I should come out of the closet on April 1st, 2011, but I would never do that for fear of all the cries of "I knew it all along!"

Metaphors, similes, analogies. I use them all the time, when I feel like writing here. Part of me just likes to use them. They make me think I'm being a better writer. But another part of me realizes the truth.

I hide behind these constructs. I hide behind them because to do otherwise, like maybe to tell the fucking truth, would be too much.

Too much for me, I mean. You readers are a hardy bunch. And a very patient one.

It was so much easier for me to write about a gorilla, than it was to write that I was in love. It was so much easier to write about a line that we carried with us, than it was to write about how incredibly difficult it was for me to be so close but so far, all the damn time.

It's so much easier for me, right now, to write about this burned bridge, about how the rubble stretches away in front of me, than it is to write that, that, that...

That what?

That the love of my life is no longer the love of my life? That the last six years of my life was for nothing? That the only chance that I have of my life ever seeming worth living is if I never see her or hear from her again? That this is a decision that I've had to make, and a realization that I've had to have, because I've been the only one in a position to do either?

That I was wrong about her. About us?

Fuck that. The light of truth is too bright, sometimes.

That damn bridge. It was shaken and twisted and rocked and rolled, and it got weaker and weaker and weaker and weaker. But it was still there. It fucking stood for something. Something important. Hope, I suppose.

But the final piece of the final beam finally broke, and the entire damn thing collapsed.

And I stand here in shock. I just can't believe that's it's gone. That beautiful destination will forever be unreachable, and maybe, just maybe, it's turned out to be not so beautiful after all.

I'm in a weird mood tonight.

So, it's been two years since I've done one of these entries. Fuck, it's been two years since I've followed the show at all. Oh sure, I managed to watch it a couple of times last year, but my heart was never really in it, and wonderful distractions abounded.

I don't know if I'm going to watch it every week or not. I make no promises about that.

Anyway, here's what I thought about tonight. Keep in mind that this was the first time I'd seen or heard any of these people.

Siobhan: Stupid name. Minus 2 points just for that, and if I ever find out that it's some kind of stage-name that she picked for herself, then it'll be minus 50 points from then on. I thought she was very cute - she was the only girl I noticed when they showed the entire group at the beginning of the show. She needs to keep the glasses and she definitely needs to lose the nose ring. And she should probably pick a career other than singing. I thought this performance was screechy and crappy. She's definitely the hottie of the group, though. (65 points)

Casey: He seemed to be technically very good, but the performance seemed quite generic to me. I also took off 10 points for having the guitar as a crutch. (55 points)

Mike: Fucking awesome. Fantastic voice. Fantastic song. Fantastic performance. I'd buy one of his albums tomorrow. Minus 10 points for the guitar, which he definitely didn't need. (84 points)

Didi: Stupid name. She's quite cute, maybe a little too cute. Her plain voice gave a plain performance. Almost karaoke-ish. This was a shame, because I really like the song she chose. (50 points)

Tim: Nice voice. Good song. I like this guy. He missed the right note by a mile quite a few times. StupidGirl likes him, but I didn't let that affect my scoring. (68 points)

Andrew: Good song and good voice, but he seemed to be forcing things a bit, like maybe that wasn't his normal vocal range. Quite good, but I still took off 10 points for the crutch. (75 points)

Katie: Cute. She picked an awesome Aretha Franklin song, and sang it well. She's good, but she seemed a little full of herself to me. I took off 5 points for the backup singers. (75 points)

Lee: Great song. Great and unique voice. Fucking fantastic performance. I took off 10 points for the guitar, though. (89 points)

Crystal: Awesome song. I took off 5 points for the stupid backup singers, and another 10 points for the piano, but other than that she was the best of the night. (85 points)

Aaron: Great song. Incredibly good performance for anyone, but especially considering how young this kid is. But I found myself wondering how good he'll be in 10 years instead of appreciating how good he is right now. Needs to mature a little, I guess. (80 points)

There's probably nobody on Earth who'd call me innocent. Stupid, perhaps. Naive, certainly. Honest and trustworthy and caring, I like to think. Hopeful and hopeless and stubborn and blind, probably.

But, innocent?

Nope. Not me.

But this wasn't always the case.

I remember when I lost my innocence. Not the exact date and time, but I remember the place and the circumstances.

It was the night that I found out that she was cheating on me. I'd kinda sorta suspected it already, but I hadn't been sure. I was in denial, I suppose, but there was still enough suspicion to lead me to that place at that time on that night.

Shortly before Christmas, in 1986.

That was so long ago. Not just another life ago, but three or fours lives ago. At least.

I don't dwell on this. It's just something I was thinking about tonight. That night, and that girl - they have no impact or bearing on my life these days. Except for how it's a little bit harder to earn my trust, and how it's even harder to get it back once it's gone.

And something would have happened eventually. I would never have held onto my innocence forever. It would have been long gone by now even if that particular night had never happened. Something would have happened to steal my innocence away.

But I can't help but think that it would be nice to have it back. Just for a while. Just for a little while.

To once again look at life through young eyes. To trust. To feel untainted love with a heart that's still pure.

To believe.

She's been acting weird lately.

In a good way or in a bad way - I can't say for sure. Mainly because I don't know.

A weird way.

Like suddenly I matter more than I mattered before.

It's about time, I think.

---

I've been having a really tough time lately, with memory.

I find myself thinking that this situation sucks, and I kinda dwell on that fact for hours and hours and hours and hours.

I drink lots of beer.

Then, I remember that this situation was my choice.

Then, I remember why I made that choice.

Then, I decide to stick with that choice.

Only then, for a few precious minutes, and I anything close to okay with this.

The rest of the time I'm barely held together with band-aids and those twisty-wire thingies that come with loaves of sliced bread.

---

I seem to have forgotten what paragraphs are for, or how to use them.

---

Something else is happening. To a friend of mine. Something that I just know is going to end badly. But I cannot warn my friend, because nobody ever fucking listens to me.

Even though I'm right all the time.

All I can do is hope that, when the inevitable pain comes, that she can deal with it, and that she knows that she doesn't have to go through it alone.

---

I've been having these horrible, terrible thoughts. Like daydreams, except that they're more like nightmares.

Is there such a thing as a daynightmare?

Anyway, these little scenarios are fucking horrible, like the worst things that could possibly ever happen, yet in each of them I end up being needed.

So they're like 99.999999% terrible, and .000001% good.

I like to be needed.

I need to be needed.

But not at the prices I keep imagining.

---

Sometimes, I feel guilty.

Like, right now for example.

But what can I do?

Nothing, that's what.

The requisite eyes are not mine. I'm too close.

---

That last bit was a little murky, wasn't it?

Good. That's what I was going for.

I was just thinking back to that night in mid-May, 2007.

It's hard to believe that any human being could be as happy as I was.

My face hurt so much because I couldn't stop smiling. For days and days I couldn't stop smiling.

I could have died on that night, and I would have died an incredibly wonderfully happy man.

But nooooooooooo.

I had to keep living.

It's pretty ironic that, as it turns out, that was the worst night of my life.

Heh, this guy on facebook just asked me if I ever sleep.

Sleep brings dreams, so no thanks, I'll pass.

I'd like one of each, please.

I wonder, if I were to write an entry about cynicism, would people doubt my motives?

I'm pretty sure that I would. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm doing it right now, as I type this sentence.

It's just something I was thinking about today. I don't want to become one of those people. One of those people who's distrust has become so universal that they can't even trust themselves anymore. I know several people like that. They're not happy people.

I don't want to be like that. Like one of them.

But, problem is, I'm bombarded with selfishness and deceit everywhere I look and everywhere I go.

Lies disguised as kindness.

Cruelty for my own good.

And so on...

It's hard to trust. It really is. To look through the deceptions and beyond the actions and see what a person is really like. To ignore the bumps in the road and remember that it's the destination that's important.

I'm rambling now. I think I'll go sit in my garage. It's a nice night.