I watch it happen, because that's all I can do. I cannot stop it, and I cannot slow it, and I cannot...

Uncoiling, unraveling, falling, piling in a haphazard tangle at my feet. The contents of me, the essence of me, they spill like...

I watch, because that's all I can do. And because it's what I must do.

Something has gone terribly wrong.

I die, but I live.

Why? To witness? To pay homage? To...

49 to go...

Almost.

That's the word I kept telling myself tonight. Over and over and over until I started to actually believe it.

Almost bearable.

See, I know who I am, and what I do. When I'm being myself, I sit at a bar, and I drink, and I think, and I smoke.

Last night, and tonight, I got to do all four things at the same time.

Washington, like most places these days, has an anti-smoking law in place. But Washington, perhaps unlike most places, also has Indian casinos in place. That's what they call them. Indian casinos. Not native-American casinos. Politically incorrect, maybe, but it's certainly their choice. They can call the things whatever they want.

Anyway, as near as I can figure it, these places and the reservations which contain them are not considered to be part of the United States. That's why the anti-smoking laws don't apply to them.

So tonight and last night I got to be more like myself than at any other time since I came to Bellingham.

It was almost bearable.

I'm 1954 - I looked it up - miles from home and from my life. I miss my friends and my family and my cats. I miss some people - they know who they are - more than I'd thought possible. More than is appropriate and more than I'm allowed. But even more than that, I've missed myself. Tonight and last night I found myself for a while.

All is certainly not perfect. I still search for that elusive writey mood. I dig around in my brain and my heart, my fingers grabbing and grasping at anything and everything. But when I pull my prizes into the light to examine them, they're never quite what I'm looking for.

I have so much to say. Too much to say, perhaps.

It sometimes seems that I'm needed the most when I'm unavailable. I was afraid this would happen. I even knew this would happen eventually, if I was gone long enough. Well, I've been gone long enough. And I'm needed. But I cannot help.

I'm too far away.

...50 to go.

I keep waiting, expecting, hoping to get into a proper mood. A writey mood, I call it. I doubt that's really a word, but I don't care. I'm going to use it anyway. It fits, and shit.

Besides, every word in existence was coined at some point.

But anyway, the writey mood eludes me. It's a slippery bastard.

---

It's all such bullshit. I've been told a thousand lies. A million lies. I want the truth. But nobody knows the truth. Not even the liars.

The truth, it's also a slippery bastard.

I get so sick of people tiptoeing around me. Treating me with kid gloves. Beating around the goddamn bush. Fucking protecting my feelings.

It's all such bullshit.

My feelings are nothing but scar-tissue. They're fucking indestructible.

---

Even now, even after everything, I don't matter even to myself. I will not, can not, put myself first. Second, maybe, but not first. Not before her. Or them. Whatever.

---

It was a horrible idea. I wanted it so much, but I wanted it for the wrong reason. So now, now I get to be alone over the holidays. I get to feel sorry for myself.

All will be as it should be.

---

This is my fault. I'm the one who messed up. I'm the one who can't or won't face reality.

Maybe they're really nothing. Nothing at all. Not leftovers of a reality almost gone. Not even echoes of a reality gone for months. And not even inklings of a future promised yet denied.

Maybe they're nothing.

Nothing at all.

Perhaps it's all in my head. Perhaps that's where it's always been. Perhaps that would make the most sense. Perhaps that would explain everything, to everyone but me.

---

He screams and he moans and he groans. Sometimes, he cries. His agony is as unimaginable as it is inevitable.

He will not die. He will not starve and he will not drown and he will not suffocate and he will not take his own life. He suffers and he endures.

Somehow, he survives.

I pity him, and I admire him. I worship him.

---

People like to spout platitudes to me. It makes them feel wiser and therefore superior to me. One such platitude is, "God will never give you more than you can handle."

My response to that is, "Tell that to my friend WomanRepellant."

---

They're not leftovers and they're not echoes and they're not inklings. What the fuck are they?

Seriously, I want to know. I need to know.

I fucking deserve to know.

The light streaming through my window this morning made a mezmerizing effect.

This is my 14th day here. I guess the newness is really starting to wear off now. I’m feeling more and more homesick with each passing day. Some people told me that it would get easier. That I would get used to it. Some people were wrong. This sucks.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I have managed to enjoy myself, just not as often as I’d have liked. Going down to Kent this past weekend was a lot of fun. It was really great to see some of my old friends and visit some of my old haunts. I’ve really missed living there, even more than I thought.

I’ve noticed that I don’t like to write anymore. It always seems like such a chore. And when I do manage to bang out some sentences, nothing flows. Nothing has rhythm. This is especially true when I try to write about the mundane events of my days and nights. So I don’t write about those things. I hardly write about anything.

It’s all I can do to keep from packing up my stuff and flying home. Is this job worth it? I haven’t seen her for over two weeks. And it’s going to be another two months. How am I supposed to function with that knowledge constantly beating away inside my head? Breathing is a chore, and yet I’m expected to work, eat, sleep?

I just don’t know.

Who am I going to be when I finally return home? Will anyone even recognize me? Will I recognize myself?

Tonight I took two stupid surveys on facebook. Here's the first one:

What is you're name?
Duh.

Age?
Yes.

What color hair do you have?
Blonde with a little gray.

What nationailty are you?
U.S.

What are you doing this weekend?
I have no idea.

Ever laughed so hard you cried?!
Yes.

How's your day so far?
Long.

What are you wearing?
Clothes.

What is your best friends name?
HatGirl.

Single or Taken?
Given, but not taken.

Ever been out of the country?
Yes.

What was the last thing you laughed at?
I can't remember.

What was the last thing you cried about?
Same thing as always.

Special Talents?
I can shoot pool pretty well.

What color eyes do you have?
Blue.

When's your birthday?
February 20.

Any siblings?
Two sisters, both younger.

What's behind you?
A lot of years.

What color is youre shirt right now?
Graye.

Who was the last person you shared a kiss with? (Ever have ur 1st Kiss?)
None of your business. (Yes)

What is to the left of you?
A wall.

What is to the right of you?
These questions are stupid. There's a bed to my right, okay?

Any plans for tonight?
Nope.

Should you be doing something right now, instead of taking this survey?
Slitting my wrists would be more fun.

Who do you love the most?
She knows who she is.

Do you hate anyone?
Yes.

What is youre biggest fear?
It's either giving up, or not giving up. It fluctuates.

The last person you held hands with....what is youre relationship with them now?
Hmmm, probably SneakyGirl. We're friendly exes.

Did you like this survey even one bit?
Not at all. I'm going to have to take another one to wash away the taste of this one.

This was the second stupid survey:

What is your favorite hobby?
Shooting pool.

If you have a force of habbit what is it?
Spelling words correctly.

What is your favorite TV show?
I think Lost.

What is your favorite quote?
"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire

What is your favorite movie?
I don't think I could pick just one.

If your a child what do you want to be when you grow up?
I'm not a child.

Whose your best friend?
HatGirl.

Are you friendly or are you unfriendly?
I'm a dick.

Do you like Twilight or Harry Potter?
Neither one especially. I've never seen the former.

Do you like drama, comedy,or scary.
Comedies, I think.

Whichever one you picked what do you like about it movies, books,(etc.)
This survey sucks, too.

What is your religion?
Not applicable. Was raised Methodist.

If your an adult what is your career?
Computer consultant.

What is your favorite cartoon?
Pink Panther.

How old are you?
Enough.

Are you scared of anything?
Spiders and bees.

Do you like wrestling?
Doing it, no. Watching it, I used to be a fan.

Are you interested in crime TV shows?
I like some of them.

Did you like this survey?
It was almost as stupid as the last survey I took.

What would you do if you found out one of your friends likes your crush?
Murder them, of course.

Will the last person you kissed be the next person you kiss?
I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible.

Have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up?
I have. Sometimes it's meant that we were getting back together, but sometimes it's just been a friendly kiss.

Ever kept arguing even after you realized you were wrong?
I can't remember doing that. I don't think so. This also presupposes that I’ve been wrong.

If a girl kisses another girl are they a dirty hoe?
It depends on whether said girls are hot or not.

Why do you hate the person you hate the most?
Because he mistreated someone very important to me, and constantly made her blame herself for every problem between them.

When you say you don't care do you mean it?
When I say it, I mean it. It's just that sometimes I change my mind later, and start caring again.

When meeting someone new, are you afraid they won't like you?
Not really.

Has anyone ever told you they loved you and meant it?
Yes.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
I dated a girl 14 months older than me once. I'm not sure if that's enough of a difference to count.

Is heartbreak really as bad as people make it sound?
It's much worse than people make it sound, because mere words cannot describe it.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Absolutely. I didn't always believe in it, though. I think maybe it's one of those things that has to be experienced to be believed.

Do you regret anything that you've done in your past?
I'm old. Of course I've done things that I regret.

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?
Unfortunately, you can. Love is a feeling, not an action.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
I think it would be very cool.

Are you generally a happy person?
I'd have to say no. This has not been a good year for me.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
I couldn't care less. Except clove cigarettes make me really hungry.

Which would you rather choose truth or dare while playing "truth or dare"?
Truth, I think.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
There are a couple. I won't get to see either of them for a while, though, so I probably won’t smile for a while.

Have you kissed anybody in the last 5 days?
Nope.

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
I don't think so. I've emailed the wrong person several times, though.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
With the right person.

Will this Friday be a good one?
I have no idea.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
To some people it matters a lot. Not to me, though.

Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/ boyfriend?
Yes.

Are you stubborn?
I like to think that I am, but I cave a lot.

Did anything "cute" happen in the last week?
Not that I can think of.

Is there anybody you wish you could spend time with right now?
Yes, but I can’t, and that makes me sad.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I have. That's one of those regrets you asked about earlier.

What's something you really regret saying to someone?
Usually the truth, when I say it too harshly or realize, too late, that they're not ready to accept it.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
None of your business.

Now for the "Have you ever's" ready?
As I'll ever be.

Fell asleep in the arms of the opposite sex?
Certainly.

Ever physically fought with a member of the opposite sex?
When I was a kid I was mean to my sister.

Ever walked in on your friends having sex?
Nope, came close though.

Ever sang to the person you liked?
Sure, like happy birthday and stuff like that.

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Friendly acquaintances, yes, but maybe not friends.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
Someone's couch.

What is/are your favorite color/s?
Like anyone cares.

Are you a shy person?
In a group I'm usually the quiet one. In one-on-one situations I'm not shy at all.

What are you excited for?
Going home.

Do you have memories that you want to forget?
Just a couple.

If you could cry right now, what would be the reason?
Same thing as always. Missing someone.

Are you happy?
You already asked this. And I already said that I wasn't. Get off my back.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I continue to have hope, for some stupid reason. Stranger things have happened.

Are you afraid to answer sexual questions?
Not really. But I noticed that you don’t ask any. Maybe you’re afraid to ask sexual questions, huh?

Do you hate seeing happy couples?
They usually inspire me.

If you went to jail, who would bail you out?
I'd call my sisters, and if I couldn’t contact one of them I’d call HatGirl.

How tall are you?
Almost 5'9"

When was the last time you were actually happy?
Monday night I talked to LaptopGirl on the phone and wished her a happy birthday.

Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
I doubt it. It would be cool, though. *hint hint*

How long does it take you in the morning to fix your hair?
About 10 seconds.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
I did, before she died.

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
Apparently, when I was about 15. At least, I woke up on the bathroom floor. I have no idea how I got there.

Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
Love one person but have the experience to make it work. (I liked this answer so I stole it from HatGirl.)

Have you ever wondered how they make lines in toothpaste?
I always assumed it was black magic.

Do you ever feel curious about how people see you?
Sure.

Have you ever broken a couple up?
There have been times when I probably didn't help matters much.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
I have no idea.

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
This girl named Cathy.

What is your biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone?
Lopsidedness.

Have you ever suspected anyone cheating on you?
Yes. I was right.

Do you remember who you liked on New Years?
Of course.

What did you do this past New Year's?
LaptopGirl and I went to this dive in Corydon and met up with Tim and Wendy.

Are you someone who worries too often?
I sometimes worry about worrying too much. Does that answer your question?

Could things possibly get any better?
They absolutely could.

What should you be doing right now?
Petting my cats.

Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?
Yes, after work last night.

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to be around your ex everyday?
Maybe kinda.

Have you ever been in a car accident?
A few. Some I've even caused. None really serious, though.

What are you listening to right now?
My keyboard.

If you could have something right now, what would it be?
I'm about to go smoke a cigarette.

Do you think if you died, that the last person you kissed would even care?
I think she'd be sad, but not devastated.

Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex?
Yes, StupidGirl called me last night.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an S?
I'll have to think about that. I'm drawing a blank. Maybe not.

Do you have anything that belongs to an ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
I have one of Amy’s CDs. And some of SneakyGirl’s clothes I think.

You just took 15 shots of vodka, what are you doing?
Dying and/or vomiting, or at least wishing I were dying and/or vomiting.

Do you have a bestfriend of the opposite sex?
HatGirl! Yay!

Is there a difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you?"
There is. What weird timing on this question!

Have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem?
Not to solve a problem, but to make it more bearable.

Do you believe in second chances?
I'll give a zillion chances to the right people.

Do you currently have a hickey?
Not that I know of.

Has anyone told you they don't wanna ever lose you?
Yes. I believed them.

Do you want to get married and have children one day?
I do, but I don't really see it happening.

Are you an alcoholic?
Contrary to some peoples' belief, I'm not.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Not to my face.

Do you want to please everyone?
No, almost everyone sucks so I don’t care about pleasing them.

Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now?
Yes. Two of them, in fact.

Do you like beer?
Duh. I'm a beer snob. That means I'll make fun of you if I catch you drinking swill.

When's the next time you will be getting piercings?
Right after hell freezes over.

Do you feel like anyone is playing mind games with you right now?
I'm almost certain of it. It’s the most logical explanation.

Would you consider yourself very flexible?
I'm open-minded enough to at least consider and try new things.

Are you the kind of person who has crazy mood swings?
I'm gonna say no.

How long is it until your birthday?
Three months.

How many baby showers have you been to?
None.

Where do you want to live?
I don't care. It’s not about the place, it’s about the people you’re with.

How many times a day do you crack your neck?
None. I crack my knuckles a lot, though.

Have you ever painted a room?
Does a hallway count?

What's better: cookie dough or brownie batter?
I wouldn't know, as I’ve never been a woman experiencing PMS.

What made you laugh the hardest today?
Haven't laughed today.

What's one thing you'd like to know about your future?
Have I been wasting my time?

Do you hate it when people play their music too loud?
I can't stand it.

Can you go a day without thinking about the person that's on your mind now?
I can't go more than 10 seconds without thinking about her.

Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
Sure have.

Are you a jealous person?
I suppose so.

Have you cried this week at all?
Me strong man. Me no cry.

Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
There are a couple of songs that I'd prefer not to hear.

Did you sleep alone last night?
Yes. *sniff*

Finish the sentence, school....
...was a long time ago.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Nope. *sniff*

Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
That's the plan.