I can sense the eyes upon me sometimes. Looking for what, I don't know. Hoping for what, I don't know. Dreading what, I don't know. I really don't know much, it seems, but I do know that I can sense the eyes upon me sometimes, and I relish those times because (a) it's contact of a sort, and (b) it's all I have.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood again. Two nights in a row. Weird.

I take part of that back.

There are, actually, two people who I desperately want to understand me.

One of those people already does. And the fact that she lives over 700 miles away, and the fact that I've never met her - those truths change nothing.

There's another person who I wish would understand me. She doesn't. She probably never will. There's too much distrust, for some stupid reason that's out of my control. I plan to continue to live despite this. So there.

I think what I want to say right now is that it's okay that people don't get me. Fuck, half the time I don't even get myself.

If I try to be totally objective about things, then I decide that I'm a dumbass. That's one reason that I try to stay subjective.

I'd rather be a loser than a dumbass.

None of this is for me, and it never has been for me. If people would understand that, then they would understand 99.99999% of me.

I'm not holding my breath though. Partly because I can't hold my breath that long, but mostly because I don't care if people understand me or not.

It is what it is. It has been what it has been. It will be what it will be.

If you can take those last three sentences and not infer any meaning beyond what was written, then (a) I applaud you, and (b) Stick close to me - I may need someone to back me up at some point.

Tonight, I'm in an almost perfect mood. In love with being in love, and neither dashed hopes nor destroyed expectations can change that.

At least, not tonight.

I will feel what I feel.

So there.

I like it when I can just let my fingers fly and then I look at the screen and it's actual words and sentences and paragraphs. And sometimes those things even manage to dance well together, forming a sort of stage-show portraying my current thoughts and/or feelings and/or whatever.

This is not one of those times. This time, my words and sentences and paragraphs and all have palsy really bad, and they're just sort of twitching.

What's going to piss me off, I think, is when everything that everyone warned me about turns out to be true. My life will become a cacophony of I-told-you-so and You-should-have-listened and You-fucking-dumbass. I don't expect it to be very much fun. It's already started, and it already sucks.

Just because something turns out to be true, that doesn't mean that it was true all along. I think I've written about this before. Like, if I were to announce that I will win the lottery, and then I do win the lottery, that doesn't mean I was right with my prediction. It only means that I got lucky. This is kinda the same deal.

I don't care what people have said to me about this. I didn't want to hear about it then, and I don't want to hear about it now, and I definitely won't want to hear about it in the future.

First, some snippets from a February entry:

It changes a man, to see a beautiful face distorted by pain. To see it over and over and over and over and over. To stand helpless and watch the tears flow.

To watch a wonderful soul harden, and to feel your own soul harden with it. Not from pity or compassion or even love, but simply because your souls are irrevocably bound.

I failed her so badly. I failed myself so badly.

And my punishment for that failure is severe, but I deserve so much worse.

It's Sunday. I should write something. Not because it's Sunday, but because I haven't written anything since Friday.

What to write what to write what to write?

I don't even know. I get these little snippets of ideas every now and then, but they hardly ever turn into entries. Usually because they're too stupid.

Like today, I had this thought that the formula for my life had been proven false, and so I was searching for a new formula.

Barf, right?

Even I can do better than that.

So I don't know what to write. In a little while I'm going to eat and then I'm going to Jack's. Maybe after I get a couple beers in me I'll have an idea.

You either do it or not. There is no try. It's either there or it's not.

It's never off in the distance somewhere, so you can see it coming. Nobody ever says, "I don't trust you right now, but next Tuesday should be great."

Trying to trust is like trying to fly. No matter how fast you flap your arms, you're not going anywhere. And you look like an idiot.

It's one of the easiest things to lose, and one of the toughest things to get back.

Sometimes trust can be regained, but it will do so in its own sweet time. Don't bother trying to rush it, you'll only make things worse. Same thing with trying to use guilt.

It can't be reasoned into existence, either, because it's a heart thing, not a brain thing.

Oh, and everything I said about trust also counts for forgiveness.

What is on your desktop wallpaper?
It's a picture of the beach at sunset. It's nice.

What is your favorite zoo animal?
I like the big cats.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
We couldn't afford toys. I had a stick that I was quite fond of, though.

What food do you eat too much of?
Pizza.

What kind of hairstyle do you have?
A boring one. I get out of the shower and shake.

What was your favorite activity in gym class?
Volleyball.

What is on the shirt you are wearing right now?
A stripe.

What is the picture nearest to you of?
HatGirl.

What kind of salad dressing do you like?
Italian.

Whats your least favorite food?
Beets. What are those things, anyway?

What do you do on a Sunday night?
Lately I've been having dinner then going to Jack's. Sometimes Becky comes to Jack's and we drink and talk and stuff.

If you could only use one condiment on your food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Does salt count? If salt doesn't count, then why not?

What color are your sheets?
White with green stripes in the guest bedroom, gray with dark gray stripes in the main bedroom.

How big is your computer display?
It's a 22-inch widescreen. I like it.

What pair of shoes do you wear most often?
My sneakers that I just bought.

What is your favorite game?
Pool. Duh.

What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
Turkey without mayo.

What is your favorite pizza topping?
Cheese.

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?
6:40 AM.

What is your favorite day of the year?
I guess my birthday. Or maybe HatGirl's birthday.