Of course I can handle it. I'm stronger than people think. But I shouldn't fucking have to handle it. It's not supposed to be happening at all, and it's especially not supposed to be happening tonight.

I haven't seen SassyGirl in almost a year, and tonight, instead of getting to enjoy hanging out with her, I get to always keep one eye on the door and constantly be on pins and needles. I get to wait and wonder how many more seconds or minutes or hours I have until that wave of reality comes washing in to drown me.

I know, life isn't fair. I know that fact better than most people, I'd wager. But c'mon, sometimes it's just ridiculous. Sometimes it's a fucking joke, except nobody's laughing.

UPDATE: Well, reality was nice enough to call and let me know that I needn't expect it to show up Wednesday night after all. And then SassyGirl ended up making a short night of it, anyway, so I was able to come home earlier than anticipated. So, whew!

I spend a lot of time searching for words. I bet most people who do a lot of writing, professionally or otherwise, do the same thing. Oh sure, most of the time I'll just let my fingers pick the words for me, but every now and then they choose poorly. That's when it's up to my brain to get off its lazy ass, stop fantasizing about pretty girls, and do some work.

I've been in this mood since last Friday at least. One of confusion, but that's not quite the right word. One of concern, but that's not it either. My brow has been almost constantly furrowed. There was, I knew, a word for the mood in which I found myself mired, but that word was hiding from me.

I found it last night, about halfway between my house and the Highlander Point shopping center. I walked along the dark road, and I passed a deer. Just standing in a field, as deer so often do. Upon my approach, it turned its body away, but it did not run. It just looked at me, its head turning smoothly. When I'd passed behind it, the deer turned its head the other way, and watched me some more.

I kept an eye on it, of course. Just in case it decided to attack. Do deer have rabies? If the deer had attacked, I supposed I'd have used the time-honored defense method of shitting my pants to gross-out my opponent. But it didn't attack, it only watched me, and then when I was a safe distance away, it crossed the road.

Perhaps it had a date with a chicken. None of my business, and who am I to judge?

For years, my thoughts have been almost constantly churning, my heart has been almost constantly yearning. But for the last few days, there's been something else. I couldn't find the word for my mood, until I looked into the inky eyes of that deer. That deer, watching me walk down the road in the middle of the night, it was experiencing the same mood. The same feeling of confused concern.

That deer was perplexed.

And so am I.

So I'm thinking, once again, that I need to get away from here for a night. I get these itchy feet fairly often. The last time was Friday. I was all set to go up to Noblesville for the night. That's where the Barley Island Brewpub is located. I was craving myself some Dirty Helen and some Barfly on tap.

It's so weird that I like Barfly. I don't like very many IPAs at all. I wouldn't even have tried it if she hadn't asked me to. Now it's one of my favorites.

I ended up staying close to home Friday. That happens all the time, too. I get all fired-up about going out of town, and then I change my mind and end up not going anywhere. Right now, I'm thinking that I want to go to Covington, so that means that, in all likelihood, I'll stay home and maybe just go to Jack's tonight.

I stayed at my house last night. A Saturday night, wasted. I'm pissed about that, but it was for the best, I think.

And I'm so damn tired all the time. And I fubared my neck somehow. And I'm all alone.

And blah blah blah and waah waah waah.

No wonder I usually end up canceling my trips. I don't want to go anywhere with me, either.

Sometimes I get pissed. I wish I could stay that way. It seems more normal to me, and it would probably seem more normal to everyone else. Some people might even applaud.

It started out as a joke. A stupid game I'd play wherein I'd imagine and predict the worst thing that could happen.

It used to be funny, in a weird way. Until it all started coming true. Then it stopped being funny.

I wrote a while ago that I expect to be murdered. That was not a random off-the-cuff statement, it was a prediction. The end-result of a long list of bullshit mistreatment. A totally warranted extrapolation.

The cruelest and sweetest person I know will murder me someday. And I will like it, because I'll serve a purpose to her. An outlet of some kind, I guess.

I like being useful to the people I care about.

I'll probably be smiling when I die. I doubt that I'll be laughing, though, because that could be misinterpreted.

I took a stupid quiz on facebook tonight. This is the video version of my answers.

(I did this on facebook. Not being content with limiting the boredom to that small group of readers, I figured that I'd share it here as well.)

You can ONLY answer Yes or No.

You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks...and believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming because nothing is exactly as it seems.

Now, here's what you're supposed to do. . . Copy and paste this into your notes, delete my answers, type in your answers and tag as many of your friends as you'd like to....including me!

Let's go!

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? --- yes
Been arrested? --- yes
Kissed someone you didn't like? --- no
Slept in until 5 PM? --- yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? --- no
Held a snake? --- yes
Ran a red light? --- yes
Been suspended from school? --- no
Experienced love at first sight? --- yes
Totaled your car in an accident? --- yes
Been in a vehicle at more than 100 mph? --- yes
Driven a vehicle at more than 100 mph? --- yes
Been fired from a job? --- no
Fired somebody? --- no
Sang karaoke? --- yes
Pointed a gun at someone? --- no
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? --- yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- yes
Kissed in the rain? --- yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? --- yes
Ever feared for your life? --- yes
Seen someone/something die? --- yes
Played spin-the-bottle? --- no
Sang in the shower? --- yes
Smoked a cigar? --- yes
Sat on a rooftop? --- yes
Taken pictures of yourself naked? --- no
Smuggled something into another country? --- no
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? --- yes
Broken a bone? --- yes
Skipped school? --- yes
Eaten a bug? --- no
Sleepwalked? --- yes
Walked a moonlit beach? --- yes
Rode a motorcycle? --- yes
Dumped someone? --- yes
Forgotten your anniversary? --- no
Lied to avoid a ticket? --- no
Ridden on a helicopter? --- no
Shaved your head? --- no
Played a prank on someone? --- yes
Hit a home run? --- yes
Felt like killing someone? --- yes
Cross-dressed? --- no
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? --- yes
Eaten snake? --- yes
Marched/Protested? --- no
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? --- no
Puked on amusement ride? --- yes
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? --- no
Been in a band? --- no
Knitted? --- no
Been on TV? --- yes
Shot a gun? --- yes
Skinny-dipped? --- yes
Gave someone stitches? --- yes
Eaten a whole habenero pepper (or other hot peppers)? --- no
Ridden a surfboard? --- no
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? --- yes
Had surgery? --- yes
Streaked? --- no
Taken by ambulance to hospital? --- no
Passed out when not drinking? --- no
Peed on a bush? --- yes
Donated Blood? --- yes
Grabbed electric fence? --- no
Eaten alligator meat? --- yes
Eaten cheesecake? --- yes
Eaten your kids' Halloween candy? --- yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? --- yes
Peed your pants in public? --- yes
Snuck into a movie without paying? --- yes
Written graffiti? --- no
Still love someone you shouldn't? --- yes
Think about the future? --- yes
Been in handcuffs? --- yes
Believe in love? --- yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? --- yes
Have a tattoo? --- no
Have/Had a piercing(s) --- no

That was interesting...your turn!

It's not stupidity that keeps me here. Nope, it's knowing the truth, even when everyone else fails to see it. It's speaking the truth, and living the truth, and waiting for beautiful eyes to open so that I'm not alone any more.

It's not cowardice that keeps me from turning away and facing the unknown. It's that the unknown holds no appeal for me. And why should it? The appeal of the unknown lies in its potential, and I've already found all of the potential I could ever want.

It's not weakness. I'm not here because I'm weak, but because I'm strong. I have persevered when others would have given up. I have pushed forward when others would have faltered. Time after time I have exposed my heart to the daggers of reality and, though I've been stabbed, I've never given up and I've never cowered and I've never ran away. I've been right here all this time.

And it's not insanity. Step inside me and look through my eyes. See what I see. Feel with my heart the things that I feel. Use my lips to speak, and use my ears to listen to the words fighting to be heard. Reach out with my hand and touch what I touch, and feel the tingling of a million touches yet to come. This is all very real.

It's not stupidity, or cowardice, or weakness, or insanity. It's something else.

I know what it is. So far, I'm the only one who really knows what it is. What it's like. What it means. What it portends.

So far, I'm the only one who really gets it.

But eventually, there'll be another.

Beautiful eyes will open, and they will see me, right where I've been all along.