1.If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I'd probably ask if I could get a second opinion.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
No, I really wish that I did, but I don't. Not completely.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Yes. That's like step 10 in our grand plan.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
No, but that doesn't stop me from trying to figure out the reason for things.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Yes.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
I'm going to say HatGirl because, when in doubt, I pretty much always say HatGirl.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Afraid of falling out of love.

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Yes. Duh.

9. What’s your favorite scar?
Stupid question.

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
To Phoenix a while ago.

11. What did the last text message you sent say?
To LaptopGirl: I have those all the time. (referring to brain-farts.)

12. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Eyes.

13. Fill in the blank. I love:
Duh.

14. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Finding a job would be pretty nice.

15. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
My sisters and then HatGirl and then LaptopGirl.

16. How many kids do you want to have?
One boy and one girl always seemed like a good idea.

17. Would you make a good parent?
I think so.

18. Where was your profile picture taken?
At Rich O's with my blackberry.

19. What's your middle name?
Shane.

20. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
Duh.

21. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I waver on this. I would certainly want to change some things, but I'm not sure how I'd go about doing it.

22. Who would be the maid of honor/best man in your wedding?
Probably Eric.

23. What are you wearing right now?
Jeans shorts.

24. Righty or Lefty?
Mighty righty.

25. Best place to eat?
At the Y.

26. Favorite jean?
Stupid question.

28. Favorite juice?
Orange.

29. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes.

30. Have you had a sore throat?
Yes. Stupid question.

31. Ever had a bar fight?
Yes. I won.

32. Who knows you the best?
RockGirl knows my deepest secrets. Probably Hatgirl or LaptopGirl next.

33. How did you meet your partner/spouse?
Gotta get me one of those someday.

34. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses.
Glasses sometimes. I've tried contacts but they irritate my eyes too much.

35. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Only when trying to get them to take pills.

36. Been to Mexico?
Nope.

37. Did you buy something today?
Food, gas, beer.

38. Did you get sick today?
Nope.

39. Do you miss someone today?
Duh.

4O. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Nope. Got pissed, though.

41. When is the last time you had a massage?
A month or so ago.

43. Last person to see you cry?
Wow. I have no idea. Maybe LaptopGirl?

44. Who made you cry?
Duh.

45. What was the last TV show you watched?
This thing about the Grand Canyon on The History Channel.

46. What are your plans for the weekend?
Spending my lottery winnings. Failing that, probably going to Rich O's.

47. Who do you think will re post this?
I bet HatGirl will.

48. Who was the last person you hung out with?
OddlyFamiliarGirl last night at Rich O's.

49. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
Gotta get me one of those significant others.

50. What are you going to do after this?
I dunno. Maybe go out to my garage for a bit.

Seriously, why am I still here? I was supposed to be gone weeks ago.

This is going to be bad. Maybe as bad as the last time, or maybe even worse. Probably worse, I bet.

What planet am I supposed to be from? What species am I supposed to be where I can just blow it all off and be okay with it? Handshakes and high-fives all around.

Bad news: I'm human.

Being okay would invalidate everything that I've said and done for years. But still, I would be okay if I could. Fuck, I might even fake it, if I could do that halfway convincingly.

But, I'm a terrible actor, it seems.

Why am I still here?

And the thing is, I can almost be okay with it. My own desires and priorities have, after all, changed, blurred, whatever. I could be okay, and I only asked for a little help. Like to not rub it in my face, and to not bend me over and fuck me up the ass with it.

Not too much of a request, I don't think. A little goddamn common decency and empathy.

em-pa-thy
noun
1. Identification with and understanding of, or at least acceptance of, another's situation, emotions, or motives.

I want to leave.

I need to leave, to get away from this fucking failed experiment before it sucks me in all over again. I don't want to go through it all again.

Where's the fucking payoff if I stay?

What's the reason for all of this? The rainbow is beautiful, but the pot of gold is forever out of my reach. Set aside for random others. Like they fucking deserve it. Like I haven't proven myself.

I try to be a good guy, and I think that I am a good guy.

But I'm not that fucking good.

Nobody is that fucking good.

The other night, MusicalYuppieDude told me that I should be knighted. I countered that perhaps I should be straight-jacketed.

Telling the truth has turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. How messed up is that?

I've got this problem. It's an incredible urge to write. But I sit down here at my computer, my fingers poised over the keyboard, and all that emerges is drivel.

I'm an ocean held back by a finger in a dike. There's so much in me straining to be released, but it never comes with anything approaching its potential. Just a trickle, every now and then. Just enough to frustrate the bejeezus out of me.

Eventually, I tell myself, something will give. My search for work may provide me with new surroundings. Maybe that will enable me to release this pressure. Or perhaps I'll find something that allows me to remain here at home, but circumstances will change. Or maybe I'll change. Maybe I already have.

Things end so suddenly, sometimes. I used to be kidded about how I was always afraid that each time would be the last. The last look, the last hug, the last kiss, the last word.

I'm looking at a word right now. It's the word "that" in black font on my screen. I'm looking at the word, and I'm terrified that it may be the last. And now, I'm thinking about the last look and hug and kiss, and I'm worrying that they're over forever.

I do worry about these things. I have to. I need to be prepared, because sometimes, I'm right.

I was reading some old entries this morning and this one made me laugh out-loud and scare my cats. Sometimes I think I'm really funny.

I think that if I could pick a mental illness to have, I'd pick Tourette's Syndrome.

That way, when I thought some girl was a whore, I could just scream out, "WHORE!!!!" and then when she got mad I could say, "Sorry, I got this Tourette's thingy. Whore. Slut. Bitch. Oops."

Then maybe she'd feel sorry for me and then the whore would give me some pity sex.

It's just a brief downward flicker, most of the time. A few inches. But enough for me to notice, and enough for her to notice, should she happen to be looking. So far, I think I've caught it in time. Caught myself in time.

Eyes to lips. Just a few inches of smooth skin, down a cheek, along the ridge of a nose. Physically, that distance is very small, but emotionally, it's vast.

Eyes may welcome and engage, but lips, they beckon.

---

Speaking of lips, I like this old entry from 2007:

I'm not really sure which was the first. I've got it narrowed down to two girls, two occasions, but the passage of time has blurred my memory to the point where I can no longer be certain about the order of things. Like, I'm pretty sure that I kissed both those girls after that comet killed all the dinosaurs, but I wouldn't want to bet anything substantial on it.

So I don't remember which was my first real kiss. But I do remember them both. They were passionate, each of them. And full of promises that neither of us was ready to keep. There was none of this sweet and gentle and perfunctory crap that I've been so wont to do lately. To show that I'm a good guy, at least at first. Back then, a kiss was all you were going to get, so you damn sure needed to make the best of it.

I'm pretty sure that I could remember all of my first kisses. I don't mean that I could list them right now off the top of my head, but if I thought about it long enough, I probably could. And if I heard a name or saw a face or had something like that come along to help jog my memory, then I definitely could.

I was thinking tonight about a few of my first kisses. From the drunken and playful and inevitable kiss of that night last Winter, to that fascinated experimental kiss a couple of weeks ago, to that romantic kiss in Las Vegas in June, to that initially timid kiss that somehow lasted an entire weekend in late 2004, to that incredible indefinable kiss a few months earlier that still makes me weak in the knees when I think about it.

I don't know why I've never written about kissing before. About lips. I've written about hands, and I've written about eyes, but not lips. I don't know why. Maybe, maybe kissing just seems too personal, even for me to write about. Maybe hand-holding and eye-gazing are just fine, but kissing belongs in the same realm as sex, and I never write about sex. Nobody wants to read about that - they only want to have it. Maybe kisses are the same way.

Anyway, I like kissing. It's my favorite. I just thought I'd share that little tidbit. You know, just in case anyone wants to make out or something.

Maybe it's just a matter of reigning myself in a little. I've certainly been unable to stop myself, even though quite often lately I've wanted to do just that.

This is an idea I had come to me last night. Apparently this idea was hiding at the bottom of a glass of Marzen (12419). That's a weird place for an idea to be hiding, but I'll still take it.

Wanting something because you feel like you should want it, or because you used to want it, or because you can't think of anything better?

Smells like bullshit to me.

I've been so damn stubborn. I watched everything crumble and I refused to really accept that it was happening. Had happened. Whatever.

Trying to stay somewhat cryptic here, while remaining readable. I don't think I'm succeeding.

The other night I found myself smiling, when I had a realization that there was one thing that hadn't crumbled.

One thing that hadn't changed.

And it never will. And it's the only thing that matters. There need be no expectations to erode or desires to dull. Lust lessens and faith falters and wants wane and hope becomes hazy.

Fuck all that other stuff, all that icing. I really think I can do this. I've already been doing it for years, after all.

I'm not thinking very clearly. It's very frustrating. I can't even obsess over a single thought, like normal. Nope, all I can do is sit back and sort of watch the show, turn my gaze inward and glare.

Nothing fits. No ideas, no feelings, no resolutions, nothing will stick. I don't know what I want, and I don't know what I want to want. My mind rejects everything like water rejects oil.

Well, I guess I do still have that one thing. But I've been suspecting that it's running on inertia, so I don't trust it fully.

I think that I want things to be okay, but I don't know what that means. Its shape fluctuates wildly and it never stays the same long enough for actual desire to form around it.

Wow, I'm really rambling. Like I said, I'm not thinking clearly.