The last few times that I've awakened so suddenly and been unable to get back to sleep, it's been a little different. The last few times, I've known exactly what it was that woke me up.

Either a stray thought, or a snippet of a dream, about the one person in all this who is truly innocent. I have my thought or my dream-snippet, and it latches onto my brain and simply will not let go. Its claws grab hold and, for minutes or hours, my brain simply isn't capable of any other thought.

Maybe this is progress, this knowing. Hard to tell, maybe this is just the eye of the storm.

I'm not sure. It feels better to know, even though these thoughts keep me just as awake as all of the unknown torment did before it. At least this is reasonable. At least this is expected. At least this is normal.

I think that the thing is, out of all the anger and the sadness and the longing that I've done, there's one thing that I don't think anyone could begrudge me for doing.

I miss that kid, and it's perfectly reasonable for me to do so. If I didn't miss him, I don't think I'd be human.

So Sunday morning I found myself afflicted with a bad case of wanderlust. I didn't really know where I wanted to go, I just knew it had to be somewhere that wasn't New Albany. I looked at Nashville and Indianapolis and even Chicago, but eventually decided on Covington. It's not a big city, but it's got everything I need, especially distance from home.

I called KittenDamsel and invited her along. She declined, saying she'd had a long night. Then she said she might drive up there and meet me. I took this as "No way am I going to Covington" because that's how my brain works. Oh well. More beer for me then.

First thing I needed to do, however, was buy a laptop. I'll need this for when I travel, whether it's for work or play. When my former employer eliminated my position, they had the nerve to take their company-owned laptop back. Imagine that. So I stopped at Best Buy, looked at their selection, and bought an el-cheapo Compaq that would suit my meager needs. Thusly armed, I drove to Covington. It's only a two-hour drive.

After I'd arrived, and updated RockGirl with my location - RockGirl knows everything about my life - I settled into my usual Covington routine. I checked into the Holiday Inn, threw my shit into the room, and walked across the street to Skyline Chili for lunch. Yummy. Then I walked up to The Cock & Bull for a couple pints of yummy Moerlein OTR (463). While I was there, drinking my beer and watching a baseball game on TV, KittenDamsel called and said she was on her way. Yay!

I had some time to kill, so I went back to the hotel and messed with my new laptop for a while until KittenDamsel arrived. She wanted to hear polka music for some stupid reason, so we drove over to the Hofbrauhaus in nearby Newport and had dinner. I don't like that place. Not only is it too loud, it's too loud with polka music. The food was good, though.

After dinner, we walked across this purple bridge spanning the Ohio River, and dicked around there for a while. Then we drove back to the hotel, parked, and walked up to the MainStrasse area where all the bars are. After that the night got a little blurry. I know that I had three more OTRs (523) and a couple Newcastles (13818) as we walked around to various bars and clubs. It was a nice warm night, but not too warm. It was almost perfect, in fact. Especially the company. We drank too much, but neither of us got sick, so that was good.

Monday morning we were both a little hung-over. Not surprising. What was surprising was that KittenDamsel wanted to go to King's Island, a local amusement park. She'd already called in sick, and I certainly didn't have any reason come home right away, so to King's Island we went.

This was the first time I'd been there since I was 14 or so. It's much bigger now, and maybe not as crowded, and there were no dinosaurs to be seen. It was a fun few hours, except for that last roller coaster that went upside-down and made me queasy.

It was a really nice time up there. I'm really glad that I went, and I'm really glad that KittenDamsel could make it. She almost managed to distract me from thoughts of LaptopGirl. Almost. And I think I almost managed to distract her from thoughts of her ex-boyfriend. Almost.

It was kinda weird to spend all that time with her and then have to drive home separately, but oh well.

Oh yeah, I also bought a case of OTR and brought it home. So that gives me something to look forward to.

I can't remember ever being so tired, even last week with all of the ridiculous insomnia.

We had quite a fun weekend, if I do say so myself, and I do say so. But wow am I tired now.

In fact, I think I'm too tired to think straight, left alone write anything.

One thing I did want to say, though, is that when you get motion sickness from a roller coaster, and then you almost immediately get into your truck and drive for two hours, that motion sickness stays with you for the entire drive. It's not as much fun as I make it seem.

And the other weird thing is that I still don't feel like we're a couple. Probably because we're not a couple. Too much baggage on both sides.

It was a good day. Long, but good. Started at about 4:00 this morning at Denny's, and ending I hope very soon.

I was supposed to have Indian food with HatGirl, but she wasn't feeling well. I was disappointed about not getting to see HatGirl, but I hadn't been particularly looking forward to Indian food, so I guess it all worked out.

Problem was, I'd gotten myself all motivated to leave my house, and so I had to come up with some other reason to do so. I tried to book a hotel room in Covington. I was going to surprise KittenDamsel with an invitation because we were supposed to go there last weekend. But Covington was all booked up. I tried three hotels and there were no rooms available in any of them.

Next I tried to just book a room at the local hotel/casino, but they were booked, too.

Shit!

We ended up going down to the casino anyway. We did some gambling - I managed to turn $100 into about $105 playing blackjack - and we stuffed ourselves silly at the buffet. I was disappointed that their Asian noodle salad wasn't on the buffet today, but their Asian meatballs were, so I stuffed myself on those and kung pao chicken and moo goo gai pan. KittenDamsel had fish, because she's boring and stuff.

There was also beer consumed at their Legends bar. I had some Newcastles (13774) and she had some swill, because she's boring and stuff.

Later, what was supposed to be an hour long nap somehow turned into an almost six-hour nap. We have no idea how that happened. KittenDamsel was extremely late in meeting her friends, and I was extremely behind in my phone-glaring quota for the night.

So we parted company. I went to Rich O's and, after I'd glared at my phone for an hour, felt better. The Marzen (11568) didn't hurt matters either. It was quite crowded at Rich O's, survivors from some beer thingy they'd had in Clarksville. Most of the regulars were there, and some of the irregulars. I didn't really talk to anyone except NotHideousGirl and UPSDude.

After Rich O's closed, I came home. I've been glaring at my phone ever since, so I think I've satisfied my quota. Tomorrow it starts over again.

I can't help but wonder, When am I going to say that enough is enough?

When will I stop? When will I give up?

It's the most annoying thing, being so stubborn and blind, and knowing that I'm being stubborn and blind, and relishing in it because the alternatives are unacceptable.

My eyes are wide open, and still I don't see. Still I cannot see. Still I refuse to see.

When will I stop? When will I give up?

When will I die?

This is not a life. This is a death. Prolonged and stretched almost to the point of indiscernability, but a death nonetheless.

When?

This was on HatGirl's facebook page. I'm bored. Here you go:

Think back to June, who were you in a relationship with?
Nobody.

What are some things you do when you're mad?
Write. Drink. Shoot pool.

How's your mood?
Today it's mostly numb. And tired, as always.

When is the last time you saw number 2 on your top friends?
Hmmm, I only have the one facebook friend, and my number two friend on myspace is someone I've never seen in person. Next question, please.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
I'm not like that.

Honestly, if you could go back and change something in the past 5 months would you?
Without a doubt.

Three hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?
Nope.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Hard Rock in Cleveland.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Not yet.

What are you listening to right now?
Nothing.

Where were you at midnight last night?
In my basement shooting pool.

Does anybody hate you?
Probably.

Did anyone yell at you today?
Nope.

Are you happier now or three months ago?
Three months ago. Feels like a million years ago.

Is there something you're looking forward to this month?
I'd like to get my swing fixed.

Are you texting anybody?
Not at the moment. Most of my texts are with HatGirl or OddlyFamiliarGirl.

Are you a jealous person?
I have my moments.

Has anyone said they love you today?
Not that I know of.

What is your favorite color?
Blue I guess.

What color are your eyes?
Blue.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I'm certain of it. Usually, I hope, the difference has been for the good.

Whose car were you in last?
Besides my own, I think it was probably HatGirl's car.

Whats the wallpaper on your cellphone?
Nothing at the moment.

Where do you think your number 1 is right now?
It's HatGirl. She's probably on her way home from work.

Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time?
Sleeping.

Do you believe that love lasts forever?
Yes. This is not necessarily a good thing.

Do you like fruity or minty gum?
Fruity I guess.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
When I wake up.

Are you taller than 5'5?
Yes.

Will this weekend be a good one?
Don't know. I'm guessing not.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Not that I know of.

What is today's date?
June 4th.

How often do you listen to music?
When I'm driving.

Did you cry today?
Nope. Me big strong man. Me no cry.

Do you trust all your friends?
Some more than others.

Who's hoodie did you wear last?
Don't know that I've ever worn a hoodie.

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
RockGirl understands.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Have an interview with a consulting firm, then I'm hoping to have lunch with HatGirl.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I don't think so.

When you say you don't care, do you mean it?
Yes.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
First name, yes. Last name, yes. Entire name, no.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you were talking to?
No.

What makes you happiest?
Not applicable.

If you could move to Africa would you?
I'd go for a long visit, but not permanently.

How has this weekend been?
It's Thursday. Last weekend was just okay.

When is your birthday?
February 20.

Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Mostly straight.

Do you try hard in school?
I didn't have to try.

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
My mom.

When's the next time you will talk to the person you like?
Unknown.

Where did your last hug take place?
HatGirl's porch.

Have you ever done something you promised yourself you wouldn't?
Too many times.

Be honest, who texted you last?
OddlyFamiliarGirl, asking if I wanted to meet at Rich O's.

This time last year, who did you like?
LaptopGirl.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Yes.

Do you have feelings for anyone?
Yes.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
It's been a while. I think I might have almost cried when I finally told LaptopGirl how I felt about her.

Have you ever been called heartless?
I don't know if that particular word has been used to describe me.

Has anyone ever told you they loved you, and you didn't believe them?
Not that I can remember.

Do you like late night phone conversations?
Yes. StupidGirl and I used to have them al the time.

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?
Myself.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Don't know that I've heard any music today.

Did you dance today?
Nope.

Who was the last person that called you?
Some dude about a job interview. Before that, HatGirl.

Who did you last tell that you were gonna hurt them?
I'm not like that. Probably when I was a kid I said something like that to someone.

What's the last thing that bothered you?
This stupid insomnia I've been having.

Would you change yourself for someone else?
I think it just happens.

Have you ever experienced a crazy ex?
Not sure that I'd call any of my exes crazy.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yes.

Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
Most likely.

Do you like the person you are becoming?
Nope, I suck.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
Yes.

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Of course.

Did you say "fuck" today?
Probably to the bartender at Bearno's while we were watching tennis on TV.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
KittenDamsel sometime last week.

Who was the last person or people you ate with?
DoableGirl this morning.

What was the last beverage you drank?
Drinking a glass of water right now.

What is something you really want right now?
To get my sleep schedule back to normal.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you?
All the time.

Honestly, do you really love the last person you said I love you to?
Without a doubt.

What is your opinion on the movie Twilight?
Never saw it.

Do you have freckles?
A few.

What does the last text in your inbox say?
OMW (OddlyFamiliarGirl saying she was coming to Rich O's)

If there was one person you could push of a cliff who would it be?
I'm not like that.

Do you always answer your phone?
Nope.

I dare you to tell why you kissed the last person you kissed?
Because she's hot.

Are you shy?
Not particularly.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Not sure why, but a text at that hour, as opposed to a phone call, and I think it would be LaptopGirl. And then I'd have a heart attack.