I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be writing now. It just seems that I should be writing something.

It's 3:05 in the morning. Sleep has, once again, managed to escape from my grasp after struggling for only a couple of hours. Now it dances around me, taunting me, daring me to try again.

The gentlest of tugs, that's all it would take. It's so weird to be writing that. Even more weird to be thinking it. Knowing that it's true.

Note that I do not and cannot count the oh-so-kind offer that StupidGirl made in February. That wasn't a gentle tug - it was a mighty yank - and instead of moving me in the desired direction, it simply broke off yet another piece of me, leaving everything else stationary.

Sometimes, even for the intangible, slow and steady can work when fast and sudden don't.

I should write that down. It seems important.

Oh wait, I just did write it down.

Here I go again. Watch the two prior videos first.

This has been really fun tonight.

Sometimes I don't seem to be able to shut up.

Thinking about it now, I should have changed shirts, just to mix things up a little.

I haven't done one of these in a long time. And, apparently, I talk really fast. Try to keep up, please.

As always, please feel free to masturbate to this video all you want. That's why the internet was invented, after all.

A zoomed and black & white version of this picture hangs on the wall at Rich O's, in commemoration of DaveFest. SassyGirl and I enjoying the opening night of that festival.

Anyway, today this one chick noticed this picture on the wall. "So all I have to do is kiss you and I can get my picture on the wall, too?" she asked.

"Sure," I said. "And bring all your friends. We'll cover the entire wall eventually."

We never did follow up on that plan. I was too tired, I guess.

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This was me this evening, sitting at the bar and wondering why I was there. I know that I must look hung-over and/or depressed in this picture, but really, it was mostly just that I've hardly slept since Thursday morning. Though I suppose, now that I look at this picture more closely, it really does display my recent mood quite accurately.

I just got a haircut, in case you were wondering.

I sent this picture to HatGirl and she asked me if I was okay. I sent it to SassyGirl, and she sent me a picture of her and some girls having fun in the sun. I sent it to RockGirl, and she suggested that I take a nap.

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Tonight OddlyFamiliarGirl and MusicalYuppieDude and I were discussing this Tremens tap - normally used for Delirium Tremens but used for Delirium Noel right now - and OddlyFamiliarGirl posed the question of whether this was an African elephant or an Asian one. She said, and I agreed, that the size of the ears placed it somewhere in the middle.

Of course, this discussion was all moot, because the elephant is clearly Belgian. The dead giveaway being that it's fucking pink.

I can't sleep tonight. Not anymore. Had a stupid series of stupid dreams, and I can't get them out of my head.

So I gave up and I got up and I went for a drive at 3:30 or so. It was kinda nice. I wish I wasn't on-call this week, or I might have just kept on driving. Gotten away from here, tried to evade reality.

It wouldn't have worked, of course. After all, reality easily followed me to Las Vegas in February; it certainly could have kept pace with me tonight. But I'd like to have tried, I think. If nothing else, it would have given me something to do besides glare at my phone.

I can't really be sure, of course. I could be wrong. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.

But we talked about it for a while last night. First time we've really discussed it at any length. I think she brought it up, or maybe she just said something that awoke the topic from its fitful slumber inside my head. Hard to say for sure why we discussed it. It just seemed necessary, I suppose. The emperor had appeared naked before us and we simply couldn't ignore it.

The thing is that we get along insanely well. I think we both agree on that. Never has a harsh word passed between us, and I can't really imagine any circumstances where that would change. Humor, temperament, intelligence, morality - all nearly identical. At least that's the way I see it, and she'd probably agree.

So we discussed it tonight while I sat at the bar glaring at my phone and she sat next to me glaring at her phone. We discussed that What if? scenario that's way too big to be encompassed by a single hypothetical. It would need something more like What if this and that and the other thing and oh yeah that one thing too and then some more things? to even come close.

But, strip away all the impediments and the question is laid bare.

What about us?

Because we would certainly try. I don't see how we could avoid trying. We get along too well to live the lies that would allow us to avoid it. Ridiculously compatible, I think I called it. We agree on that too.

The thing is, I think that we'd try, and I think that we'd eventually fail. We'd run into some of the incompatibilities that we discussed tonight, and probably some other, heretofore hidden obstacles, and eventually we'd fail. We'd have a lot of fun trying, and it would be really good for a long while, but in the end, we'd fail.

But the friendship would survive, and that's all that would really matter in the end.

We agree on that, too.

They don't really snap.

It's more like they stretch and stretch and then eventually they just sort of dissolve.

So then suddenly they're just not there.

And I try to make do, with whatever's left. I shift my grip, and I try to hang on.

If they snapped, if they made a sound when they broke, I think that would make more sense. And maybe it would have more impact that way, instead of just sort of sneaking me up to this inevitable fall.

I don't know why I think that, though.

Maybe for the same reason I keep trying to hang on in the first place.

Maybe because I'm weird, or maybe because I'm in love, or maybe because I'm retarded.

It's all a matter of persepctive, I suppose.