Man, I was in a mood when I wrote this. Go read it. I'll wait.

............

I happened across that entry this afternoon, looking for something else entirely. But that old and irrelevant entry made me wonder.

With all this groping around that I'm doing, what if I found that broken handle for that broken switch?

Would I try to make repairs, so that I could switch it off again?

It's an interesting question, certainly, but the answer is indistinct to me.

Maybe if I'd open my damn eyes, I could see more clearly.

Another repost, again from about three years ago. I think I'd have written something like this today, if I hadn't already written it.

Being the type of person that I am, I don't seem to be capable of having an idea and simply letting it solidify on its own.

Nope, once something begins to form in my head, I'll obsess over it until I have it properly defined and categorized. If I can't do that then I'll at least come up with a metaphor for it.

I've read that when Titanic was struck, a lot of the passengers gathered up on deck to see what had happened. Some of them reported hearing a noise, but they couldn't describe what the noise was. It turns out, or so I've read anyway, that they hadn't heard anything at all. The sound that they thought they'd heard was actually the silence that fell upon them when the engines were shut down.

They'd simply noticed that something was different, but they didn't know what.

And that, my dear readers, is probably as close as I'm going to get to what I've been feeling lately.

I've noticed a change in the noise level within me. Something LOUD, I think, has either gone silent or is at least running more quietly than it has in a long time.

What does it mean? I don't know, but I have my suspicions.

We'll see.

I'm going to enjoy it while I can, though. Maybe catch up on my sleep.

Sometimes, you slam your eyes shut. As quickly as you can, but not quickly enough.

It's too late. You've already seen the truth. And that truth, it burns itself into you. It sets up residence in your soul.

And it eats away at everything. It devours everything. Nothing is safe.

Eyes squeezed shut, you frantically grope the darkness, looking for something, anything.

But there's nothing to find. There's nothing left. It's all gone.

Devoured by the truth.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting at the reception, I just know that it wasn't what I found.

I think maybe I thought there'd be more of HatGirl's and LuckyFucker's friends there. But it seemed, to me at least, to be about 99% family members. Not that there was anything wrong with that, or that it was a bad thing. It just wasn't what I was expecting. I guess I'd figured that NotHideousGirl would at least show up, and so I'd have somebody to talk to.

Anyway, I arrived pretty much right on time. The guests were gathered out on the lawn of the place. I'd seen HatGirl and LuckyFucker waiting around the side of the building, but when I tried to go say hello I was shooed away. Apparently there was an agenda for the thing, and that agenda did not include guys from the bar talking to the happy couple before the scheduled time. Not even guys as awesome as me.

So, I waited on the lawn with everyone else, like a chump. Eventually, the bridal party had a little parade, and they ended up on the steps where they had this candle ceremony. Then they had another parade, except all of us guests followed them this time.

The bridal party stood at the back door and greeted all of us guests. So I finally got to say hi to HatGirl.

HatGirl!

Yay!

Oh yeah, LuckyFucker was there, too.

And I think that was just about the last time I saw either of them, except as blurs, until it was time to leave.

I never did get to have that dance with HatGirl. It was weird. It seemed to me like the DJ took off running down the sidewalk about a minute into the first song. I have no idea what that was all about.

Oh, I almost forgot! I caught the garter!

Apparently, that means that I'll be the next guy to get married. And this one four-year-old girl caught the bouquet, so she'll be the next girl to get married.

Should be an interesting race.

This is a repost from three years ago. I like knowing that I used to be able write this kind of drivel.

When you live your life in total darkness, it doesn't take much.

The smallest spark, the slightest flash of light, can capture your full attention. Even after it's gone, the memory of that flash lives on.

Sometimes that flash is welcomed, but most times, most times it's only reminding you of what's missing.

A man gone blind does not always wish for sight, for there can be comfort in the dark.

Acceptance. Tranquility. Peace. All erased by a spark, a glimmer, a splash of light that does nothing but burn the retinas and leave ghost images floating and intruding.

A flash is nothing by itself. It's over in an instant. But the memory of it lingers, and the blind man sometimes wishes he could forget.

I didn't really get much accomplished yesterday. I went to Home Depot to get some lumber for my swing but, while I was there, I kinda lost all motivation for everything. So I just came back home and shot pool for a while.

Then at 3:00 I went to Bearno's for something to eat and a couple glasses of Newcastle (11456). For a while, I was the only customer in the entire place. That was perfectly fine with me.

Traded a few emails with her, and that put me back into a good mood until the subject changed. Then my mood deteriorated very quickly. I said some things that were unwelcome, I'm sure. But, like I keep telling myself, if I'm going to ruin this, as least it will be with the truth. Sometimes I wonder if the two of us are strong enough to hold something this lopsided together. Or if she thinks that it's worth the effort.

Later I went and picked up this Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale (24), which was new for me.

Blue Moon Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale

(bottle) Clear light amber. Large whitish head. Not much of an aroma or flavor with this one. Everything was very subtle - too subtle. I don't think I'll bother with this again. Decent is all I can say.

Anyway, other than having a couple bottles of that beer, and watching some movies, I had a nice phone call that I don't think I want to write about here. I went to bed fairly early and slept for 10 hours.

Today is HatGirl's wedding reception. As was expected, I will be going alone. But it should still be fun to see HatGirl in her wedding dress. I hope she remembers that she was supposed to learn how to dance, so she can give me a quick lesson before I dance with her for real.

I suppose that a brief beer report is in order. I did, after all, go to Rich O's last night. I bet I could count on one hand the number of times I've been in there, on a weekend night, in the last three months.

Anyway, I wasn't planning to go, but my sister called to say that she and her husband were there. So I went.

It was extremely crowded and LOUD. I ended up standing by the bar, talking yelling with Dina and Kenny. I had two and a half glasses of Marzen (5902). By the time Dina and Kenny left, my mood was shot to shit. I tried to hang out for a little bit longer, but there was no sense in it. I came home around 10:00.

---

Last week I was going to buy some wood to start repairs on my swing. But while I was cutting some rope, I ended up slicing my finger instead. Today, my plan is to go and finally buy that wood. I'll probably manage to amputate my leg somehow.

Have you ever stepped outside of yourself for a while, and then looked back, and wondered why you would ever want to return?

Me too.

Have you ever wanted, with all of your heart, to just give up, but known that you didn't have the strength?

Me too.

Have you ever had someone tell you the most asinine thing you've ever heard, and made you think that you don't matter at all?

Me too.

Have you ever want to quit, everything?

Me too.

Have you ever given everything you are to an idea that only you thought of?

Me too.

Have you ever been invisible?

Have you ever wondered how much of your life is simple inertia, and how much is real?

Have you ever wasted your time?

Have you ever wanted to turn back the clock, or the calendar?

Have you ever loathed yourself, and not known the reason?

Have you ever realized the truth, and wished with every ounce of your being that it was a lie?

Have you ever been in love?

The last time we went to this hippie place for lunch, it was a huge surprise. The having lunch together part, not so much the hippie place part. This time, it was still a surprise, just maybe not as big, because this time, I'd invited her to lunch.

Another surprise was getting the shit beaten out of me by a two-year-old.

The food was decent. The company was extraordinary. Even the two-year-old.

Can't write about this until later, but I'm mildly freaked out.

---

Okay, so today after I ate lunch I was on the upper level at Fourth Street Live, where NotHideousGirl and I used to sit and smoke after lunch. I wasn't sitting today, but I was smoking. I was also watching people, like I usually do.

You know how you can recognize your own car, even if you see just a tiny portion of it? Like when you leave a store, and the parking lot is packed, and you don't quite remember where you parked? But you can look across the parking lot and see maybe a flash of fender or something, and you immediately know it's your car?

Yeah, well today I was watching people walking up and down Fourth Street, and I saw out of the corner of my eye a glimpse of blonde hair. I saw that hair, and I immediately knew who it was.

MixedSignalGirl.

She was walking into T.G.I. Friday's just like she did it every day. Just like she hadn't moved a million miles away. Just like she had every right to be there.

She was with some dude. I assumed this was her new husband. I didn't actually see any dicks in his mouth, because I was pretty far away, but I'm sure they were in there somewhere.

I absolutely froze. I had no idea what to do. I was pulled equally between running away from her and running toward her. So, like I said, I froze. My legs simply would not move. But I somehow managed to get my arms and hands to work, so I emailed RockGirl that I might be dying, and then I called MixedSignalGirl.

I really had no idea what I was going to say. I guess I figured I'd just wing it. I got her voicemail, stammered out that I'd been thinking about her, and hung up.

And so began the wait.

---

Just got off the phone with her. Everything is fine - I'd been concerned that her mom might be sick. It's just a regular visit.

I hadn't wanted to write anything here until I'd talked to her. I didn't want her to read here that I'd seen her and hadn't immediately run down to say hello. Of course I told her about that on the phone, though.

It's all good.

I doubt that we'll see each other or even talk again while she's here. Not unless her husband wants to spend an evening at a gay bar or something, thus giving her some time to kill.