I was just thinking about the conversation I had with StupidGirl the other night. One of the things we talked about, and I really thought I'd already told her about this, was what happened between me and MixedSignalGirl.

Well, she said that I hadn't told her. So it must have been someone else. Some other girl in some other port, ArtGirl might guess.

Anyway, I told her what happened, not at the very end, but at the very beginning of the very end. When she'd asked demanded the impossible of me, and so instead of taking that ring out of my pocket, I'd stood up and walked away.

"Wow," StupidGirl said. "That must have been really hard."

"Well, it certainly wasn't any fun," I replied. "But it was one of the easiest things I've ever done."

"So you took the easy way out," StupidGirl commented.

Ouch. I'm pretty sure she was trying to be funny, but still, ouch.

Over the years that have passed since that night, people have almost uniformly told me that I did the wrong thing. That I should have done as MixedSignalGirl had demanded requested. That I'd been staring happiness in the face but that I'd been too blind to see.

Wrong.

I knew exactly what I was walking away from. Doing that was hard. What made it easy was knowing that I had no choice.

If I'd done what MixedSignalGirl had asked demanded, I'd have, via that very act, proved myself to be unworthy of her love.

I knew it, and that's why walking away was easy.

I'd walk away again. Even knowing what I now know, I'd walk away.

I forget where I was going with this entry.

Yesterday HatGirl asked me if I was going to some Cabbage Patch auction and, if so, did I want a date.

I told her that a Cabbage Patch auction was probably just about the gayest thing I'd ever heard of, and that even with a hot girl in tow, it would still be too gay. I figured that I'd probably need at least three hot girls with me to counter the gayness. I mean, what if somebody saw me there?

See, I was thinking about the dolls. I was thinking that they were going to auction off Cabbage Patch dolls.

That would be pretty gay, right?

Well I guess it's just a regular auction, and Cabbage Patch is the name of the organization holding the auction. They help kids or something.

I'm still not going.

Wow.

Where the fuck did that that wave come from?

Good thing I was already sitting down.

Just caught myself wondering about something. And, of course, wondering is a bad bad thing for me to be doing.

But still, I'm doing it. I'm wondering. I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

Of course, because I'm wondering, I must also be doubting myself. There must be at least some small part of me that thinks I'm doing the wrong thing.

There must be some miniscule portion of me that thinks I'm an asshole.

So ArtGirl just basically accused me of having a girl in every port.

Hell, I don't even have any ports, so that shows how much she knows.

But seriously, what the fuck?

Not too much going on around here, but I'll do this anyway.

---

Looks like I have no broken bones from when I fell Sunday. Just bruises, and those are fading pretty well. Parts of me that yesterday were a nice grurple color are now merely bluish.

I'm damn sore, though. Especially my arms, which are colored normally.

---

I talked to StupidGirl for a couple of hours last night. Told her that it doesn't look like I'll be coming to Las Vegas until next Spring at least. She's okay with that. Probably because she's got a new boyfriend. Lot of that going around these days. I like StupidGirl. She's really nice. I hope this new guy treats her better than the last guy did. Not that that would be any great feat.

---

Starting Thursday, I've got five days in a row off work. I have absolutely no idea what, if anything, I'll be doing with those five days. Probably nothing, unless this current mood lightens. But I think I'd like to take a little trip somewhere for a night or two. Or maybe even *gasp* go to Rich O's during the night. We'll see.

---

That's it for now.

Unanticipated.
Unwarranted.
Unbelieveable.
---
Unexpected.
Unwelcome.
Unwanted.

Forgot my rock today when I left for work. I feel oddly naked without it. Please note, however, that I'm not actually naked, so neither running to nor fro are necessary.

---

Yesterday I might have screwed myself up. I was getting out of my truck, with my arms full of stuff, when I slipped on a damn dryer sheet that somebody, some terrorist probably, had placed on the floor. My foot went right out from under me. I fell about three feet onto my concrete garage floor, landing on my right hip and left knee and left arm. So yeah, I apparently played an impromptu game of solo Twister on the way down.

This afternoon I get to go get x-rays. My hip, in particular, feels gimpy.

And what really sucked about falling, besides almost dying, was that as I fell I slammed the door of my truck into the door of my Monte Carlo. I'm kind of afraid to look at the latter to assess any damage. I know there was at least some paint transferred.

---

LuckyFucker has a new clam in his aquarium. It looks like a horribly-deformed vagina. It's creepy and erotic at the same time.

I bet I've killed over 1,000 North Koreans since Saturday morning. It's not that I have anything against North Koreans, per se, it's just that in this Crysis game I've been playing, they're the bad guys.

I know this particular game is pirated sold all over the world. I wonder how the average North Korean feels about playing as an American soldier and killing his countrymen.

---

This evening I pretend-married HatGirl and LuckyFucker. It was all very moving and romantic, I thought. HatGirl even cried, and so I even felt very guilty for making HatGirl cry.

Then we went to Red Lobster, and the food was yummy, so everything turned out okay in the end.

---

So I haven't had a drop of alcohol since Friday night. I'm not turning into a Jesus-freak or anything like that. It's just something that I was wondering about. I mean, both of my parents were alcoholics, so it's something I have to watch.

Could I go without beer for two days?

Certainly I could. And did. No problem whatsoever.

Certain recent events have reminded me that people, too often, look for the solutions to life's problems in the bottoms of glasses. Or in hypodermic needles. Or, much more drastically, down the barrel of a gun.

So I needed to prove to myself that I could go without drinking. I can, so that's cool.

Besides, the answer to life's problems doesn't lie in any of those places.

The answer to life's problems lies on the other side of a simple conversation. The other end of an email. It lies in fingertips that touch another person, lips that kiss another person.

It lies everywhere that there's proof that we're not alone in this world.

I had a really bad day today, one of the worst I've had in a long time. And, of course, I can't write a fucking thing about why, except to say that my stupidity played a big part.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow I won't be so stupid.