I'm becoming worried that I may be about to be tested again. I'd like to be at least a little bit prepared for that test. I'll probably still fail, but maybe not quite as spectacularly.

I was getting a little bit too complacent. I was patting myself on the back a little bit too much. Now, if I can do it again, then I might be justified in feeling a little smug.

Sometimes I just think that this is the way things are suposed to be, and that fighting and ignoring the issue is useless.

I'd rather face one large problem, even a huge problem, than a thousand tiny nuisances.

I just think it would be better for everyone around me if I turn my anger back where it belongs for a while. Hating everyone and everything that I come in contact with, while loads of fun, just isn't a fair way to handle things. Refocusing my anger and disappointment back to myself, where it belongs, is the right thing to do at this time.

I'm not, as it turns out, a complete robot. That's good news I suppose. Too bad it takes totally fucked up shit happening to get me to realize it.

And on a completely unrelated topic...

For the record, I want to state that this is a horrible, terrible, absolutely flat-out bad idea. Not quite as bad as going to that damn concert was, but still, just incredibly bad.

This will not end well.

Okay, normal insomnia is bad enough, but this is sooooooooo much worse than normal insomnia.

I laid in bed, and for some reason, this stupid song got stuck in my head.

Now it won't leave.

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance

I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We're doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance

Safety dance
Is it safe to dance
Is it safe to dance

(response to message)

Welcome back.

I don't know why it happened. I really don't.

A combination of alcohol, and frustration over unrelated things, and annoyance about people that should not matter to me but still manage to do so - all of these factors and more combined to cause me to shrink back from the world bearing down on me. Caused me to seek comfort in the familiar and steady thoughts and feelings that I turned my back on so many months ago.

I don't know why it happened last night, and not at any other time over the last few months. I do know, however, that I kind of like it.

Like an animal raised in captivity, when I became too afraid of the opportunities and obstacles presented by my newfound freedom, I ran back into the comfort and safety of my cage.

But it's okay. I feel safe in here. I feel like myself in here. In here, everything is perfectly clear. All of my hopes and dreams and desires, in here they're all the same. There are no wrong choices in here. There are no choices at all.

And the important thing, the most important thing, is that the cage door is unlocked. I can come and go as I please.

I think I might stay here for a while though. Freedom is scary. Freedom is frustrating. Freedom is exhausting.