Been in a little bit of a rut for the last few days. I have some ideas for some good ramblings but the motivation just isn't there.

At times like this I really appreciate those readers that bother to message me.

Even the ones that keep asking that fucking question are welcomed during these lulls.

Today I spent some time having an IM conversation about risk. Specifically the fact that I don't seem to be willing to take risks. Specifically this one particular risk.

Specifically the one where I waited 39 years for something, and then did absolutely nothing about it but whine. And still I whine.

Some people read this 'blog and they expect something to happen. They expect that I'll eventually get tired of whining and actually do something. They hope that they'll come here one day and read all about some great dramatic event that, in the end, will provide some type of closure to this little story that's been dragging on.

I don't think they care what happens. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be anything as long as it's something. Something they can point to and say, "Right there. That's when everything finally came to a head. For better or worse, at least now I know what happened in the end."

I have no such expectations, and I gave up hoping some time ago. A little over a month ago.

But back to the risk.

People that think they know me, they keep telling me what a good person I am, how happy I could make someone, how lucky a girl would be to have me. The thing is, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can and cannot put up with. Also, a risk needs a payoff, and there's just nothing there. The other end of this particular rainbow never reaches the ground.

People come here and they read about my pain and they think it can be fixed. They've seen too many movies.

I'll quote from today's conversation, with permission:

But you'll be so close! I don't see how you can just keep doing nothing. How can you be so afraid of being hurt when that's all you've been doing anyway? You'd think you'd be used to it by now. What's the risk of more pain when compared to the happiness you could gain?

My response:

People keep forgetting that this, my inaction, is not about me. I know it seems that way, and I know why it seems that way. I temper my words in my 'blog and I temper my actions in my life not to protect my own feelings, but to protect another's. I've already done enough harm.

I know how this all reads. It reads like one giant cop-out. One long drawn-out whimper from a little boy, telling tales of monsters in his closet so nobody knows that he's really just afraid to sleep alone in the dark.

I know that's what most of my readers think, and I don't blame them for thinking it.

Maybe some day, something will happen. Maybe someday this story will really end. Maybe then I'll be able to fill in the holes. Write the things that everyone already knows, and maybe some things that nobody even suspects.

Just don't hold your breath. I know I won't.

(But for now, just one thing. I did do something. I tried to open a door just a little. It got slammed in my face.)

I leave for Las Vegas in two days and I haven't done a damn thing to get ready.

I need to do laundry, I need to go grocery shopping for cat food, I need to balance my checking account, I need to pack, I need to print out my show tickets and my itineraries.

I'm sure there's more that I won't remember until I'm already on the plane.

I was supposed to be doing some of this stuff tonight, but instead I find myself connecting in to work to work on a study I've been tasked with. It's due tomorrow.

My cat dying last night didn't help my motivation then either.

So hopefully I'll be able to get all this shit done tomorrow after work and still have a short evening at Rich O's before I leave Saturday morning.

Wanted to make something with a maple tree in it, so I did:

(crossposted to cats' 'blog)

Today, Spook died.

She'd been falling quickly for the fast couple of weeks, not eating as much, only wanting attention. I tried once to pick her up to take her to the vet but she didn't like that one little bit, so I let her be.

This morning when I left for work Spook was laying on the sidewalk. She didn't get up and come to me like she usually did. She just looked at me and gave her pathetic meow. I figured that she would be dead by the time I got home, so I spent a few extra minutes petting her and telling her what a good kitty she was.

When I got home from work, Spook was on the deck and she raised her head to watch me pull into the garage.

I took a can of food out to the deck and poured it into her bowl. She came over and took a bite, purring loudly. She always liked to be petted while she ate, and this always made her purr.

After she took a bite of food, she fell over.

She died with her eyes open, so the last thing she saw was me. The last thing she felt was me petting her. The last sound she made was a purr. The last sound she heard was me saying

You like that food, don't you Spooky? What a good kitty!

I tried to dig a hole for her, but ended up putting her into the hole I'd discovered in my yard the other day.

It's under the Japanese Maple. She always liked it there.

I'm sure this will hit me harder at some point.

I added a small bit about her to my Cats of the Past page.

...the recognition I deserve!

Here we see the lovely MisunderstoodGirl modelling the next big thing in fashion.

Also, the NABC surprised us by unveiling a new beer today.

NABC Blonde Abbey

This is what I've been waiting for! A Belgian that won't kill me if I have more than one in a night! Very good, it reminded me of NABC's Tunnel Vision except not quite as sweet. Could use a little more carbonation, and it lacks the appley taste I've become accustomed to from Belgians. I liked it a lot, and I'm looking forward to the next batch to see if they up the carbonation a little.

Just a quick note to say I drank some weird stuff after work today.

Mestreechs Aait Flemish Red Ale

The board at Rich O's said "Flemish Sour Beer" and that's as good of a description as any. Tasted like somebody had dissolved a Green Apple Jolly Rancher candy in it. It was actually pretty decent for about the first 7 ounces. After that it got a little old. Definitely different, and definitely worth a try.

MisunderstoodGirl, RealTrainGirl, and GreenBeerDude came in while I was choking down the last ounce of the above beer. I had a couple half-pints of Newcastle while we all bullshitted for a while.

I'm also quite pleased to note that I'm not detecting that fuck you asshole vibe from MisunderstoodGirl at all anymore. Perhaps she's mellowing in her old age.

That was a joke.

Please don't kill me.

(response to messages)

Several people keep asking me the same questions regarding my upcoming Vegas trip. I figure I'll answer them here all at once. Use your imagination for the questions - it's fun!

Let me know what you think the questions are. Maybe I'll post the funniest guesses.

Did absolutely nothing today except yard stuff.

Mowed with the rider, then mowed with the walker, then ate weeds with the weedeater, then sprayed vegetation killer where it was needed.

All just to have to do it again in a week.

And I've got this huge hole in my backyard where a groundhog or a bear or something has its burrow. The damn thing is a foot wide and seems to go all the way to Hell. My first thought was to just get a bunch of dirt and/or concrete and fill the hole, but that just seems mean if the creature is down there with a bunch of offspring.

I'm such a fucking softie.

Maybe I'll lower a radio playing heavy metal music down the hole. Isn't that what we did to Noriega?

I used to love making new images.

These days every time I make one it reminds me of one I've already made.

I guess you could say I'm in a rut.

Anyway, here's my newest:

Yesterday I went to a Derby party at my friend Eric's house.

I really only knew Eric and Terri there, but there were also some people from high school that I at least remembered. There were a lot of kids running and screaming. All of the kids were boys. I thought that was a little strange.

Drank some Blue Moon and threw some horseshoes. I now officially suck at horseshoes. Not that I was ever great but I was always better than that.

I drew two horses in the $5.00 pool. One was the favorite and the other was like a 12-1 shot or something. I think they're both still running.

Left the party at seven-ish to get showered and head down to Rich O's.

Rich O's was moderately dead. I sat alone in the living room area for quite a while, drinking a Founder's Red Rye and feeling a little depressed. I think it was seeing all the happy families at the party and feeling like that life is something I'll never experience again.

There's something you say to only a few people in your lifetime. To feel it in your heart but be unable and/or unwilling to say it is kind of a pain. Plus it'd be kind of nice to think that the other person would at least be listening.

After a while this dude that looks like Buddy Rich sat with me. I had a Newcastle Brown Ale and we just talked about various crap.

I came home at about 11:00 and played pool until 4:00.

So this morning I'm a little irritated with myself for letting my mood slip last night.