It seems that there was a sporting event of some kind last night. People stayed home to watch, then when it was over, I guess they all went and threw themselves off the Sherman Minton bridge. Whatever people were doing, they weren't at Rich O's.

Here's Rich O's at 8:45 on a Saturday night:

LaptopGirl and I used to say, on those nights when Rich O's was dead, that all of the cool people must be at some fantastic party. A party to which we weren't invited. Last night was like I was the one having the party, but nobody felt like coming.

Anyway, the place was dead. I caught a glimpse of CoffeeDude, and DisgustingMakeoutCouple showed up after a while, but other than that it was me and the bartenders. By the time I left at midnight a whopping dozen or so strangers had managed to push aside their grief over some guys scoring more points than some other guys, so the place was only quiet, no longer dead.

To drink, I had (surprise!) an NABC Noble Smoker. DayShiftDude recommended a Schlenkerla Fastenbier so I had a half-pint of that.

Schlenkerla Fastenbier

Supposedly lighter in smoke than Schlenkerla's other rauchbiers, and I guess that's right because I didn't feel like I was eating a charcoal briquette. I'd say it was pretty good for one glass. By the time I finished my second glass I was pretty much smoked out.

I drank my beers in a silence interrupted only by the occasional interloper to the living room area. I had some news on my mind that I was trying to come to grips with. Not sure that I really made any progress, and any that I did make was overshadowed later, so I guess the night was pretty much a wash for me.

Oh, yeah. I stopped and protected VigilanteGirl from some mumbling crazy guy. He was really creepy so I stayed for a while to make sure he didn't come back.

I'm such a stud.

There have certainly been worse things said to me over the years, but I'll be damned if I can think of one right now.

Usually these things come in the heat of the moment. During an argument or a disagreement. They can, and should, be taken with a grain of salt. The context can lessen the sting.

But sometimes, sometimes you never see it coming. Sometimes there's no malice, no anger. Sometimes there are no extenuating circumstances to lessen the blow.

I paraphrase here:

Sorry, I didn't know I had to broadcast it to everyone.

Ouch.

With that single statement, that single pseudo-apology, everything that I've been through, every feeling I've fought, every torment I've endured, it was all dismissed as irrelevant.

No, not irrelevant. Not even insignificant. Like it never even happened. Not erased, but never even written.

Well, fuck that.

No malice. No anger. Just a simple innocent statement that showed me my place, and stung me more than pity or mockery or even animosity ever could have.

All of the times my mind has run rampant, all of the times I lay awake all night as scenario after scenario careened through my head, this was one I never saw coming. This I never even considered.

I'll say it again.

Ouch.

Last night I went to Rich O's.

I'll give you a few seconds to recover from that shocking news.

...

...

...

Okay, now breathe. It'll be okay. The Sun'll come out tomorrow.

Actually, the night started out with other plans. My sister Dina had called me to say that she and SpoonsGirl would be at a bar called O'Shea's in Louisville, and I figured that I'd go there and hang out with them.

Right after I left home, however, Dina called me to tell me that O'Shea's had been boring and that they were now at a place on Market called Farmer Brown's or some such.

A few relayed questions to the bartender confirmed that this Buster Brown's or wherever had only piss on tap, and I told Dina that I'd be going to Rich O's after all.

They joined me, and we spent a few hours in the red room talking about various stuff.

At one point this guy (one of those fucking pretty boys that always gets his way that I hate) tried to pick up one or both of the girls with the classic line, "I'm going to the store, do either of you need anything?"

My sister rattled off a shopping list consisting of feminine hygiene products and various ointments and creams. It was quite funny.

To drink, I had (of course) a couple pints of of NABC Noble Smoker. Dina had two "peachy things" which I guess were Lindemann's, and SpoonsGirl had something so boring I can't remember. Probably Spaten Lager.

After I left I went to listen to some karaoke with my cousin. There was a girl there that I went to school with but didn't really know. I will say that BigHairGirl is aging quite well.

Once I got home I played pool, pausing every minute or so to glare at my cell phone, until about 4:00 then went to bed.

Last night my sister confirmed that my 'blog has become boring.

This wasn't exactly a huge revelation. I know that I'm having a hard time being creative.

There's just not much interesting going on right now. Even my trip to Maine was nothing more than a diversion from what's become a pretty mundane existence.

Oh I could write some shit. I get into these little moods and sometimes I do write some shit. Those of you who read this 'blog late last night or early this morning may have seen such an entry. I got irritated and wrote about it. Then this morning I deleted the entry. The thing is, I'm not sure, deep down, if I was actually irritated with her or with myself. I'm not sure if it was the mistreatment that bothered me, or the possibility that my reaction to it was actually part of a much larger problem. A problem that I often think I've pushed away. A 900-pound gorilla.

So I deleted the entry, and in doing so, made my 'blog more boring than it was.

I don't like being boring, any more than I like being bored, but when I remember the things that have injected interest into my life over the last several months, I have to admit, boring is a bit of a relief.

Plus, there are things looming on the horizon that should provide interest for me and for you readers. Things that I'd like to say I'm prepared for, but I don't even know what's going to happen. I coined the term dreadicipation for what I've been feeling, and I think it's a pretty good word for my mood most of the time.

I spent a good chunk, nearly 40 years, of my life living in the present. I spent a good chunk of the last few months living in the past. These days I look to the future. I look for answers to questions that have been nagging at me.

When will I feel whole again, and when I do, what kind of person will I be? Am I the phoenix, about to rise from the flames as if nothing had happened, or am I the butterfly, struggling to escape from my cocoon and try out my new wings?

Have I really managed to claw my way out of this chasm I fell into? Am I really safe?

What will happen when I face my greatest fear? Will I lose all of the progress I've made? Can I regain that balance that I lost last Summer?

Will I remember the lessons learned, or am I doomed to repeat them?

The answers I seek are out there. It's only a matter of time before I find them.

Or they find me.

(response to message)

Got this message today. I think it's generic enough to post part of it:

I'd say "long time reader, first time blogger" but I really only discovered your website a few months ago. I grew up in Omaha and that's what drew me to your website, but your writing is what keeps me stopping back. I think alot of what you write is so honest and I appreciate being able to read it all.

Just wanted to say that it's very refreshing to get a message like that. Especially today.

So many of the messages I get are full of bullshit advice or misinformed opinions. It's quite refreshing to hear from someone that's not trying to fix me.

Especially when the bulk of the advice I get can be summed up as "whip it out" - these people are just not paying attention to what they're reading.

So, thanks again. Glad you enjoy it.

Some people are just mean.

Not insensitive.

Not distracted.

Not clueless.

Just flat-out fucking mean.

And the rest of us, we just keep suffering the abuse until we decide to become mean ourselves, or we build walls around us that are strong enough to provide protection.

Or we just get the hell away.

If we can.

A month ago, I wrote a rambling entry about my ongoing redefinition of myself.

Today, sitting at Rich O's and enjoying what has become my customary after-work beer, I got a glimpse of the person I may become.

I looked at the empty space on the sofa, and I felt my eyes well up. Not with sadness, but with profound optimism.

The empty space was no longer a void left behind by something missing. It had become, at least for today, a placeholder for something yet to come.

I must have looked like a crazy person, with my eyes tearing up and that shit-eating grin on my face.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

It's hard to think of things to write when I'm in a good mood.

It's supposed to storm tonight. Maybe that will bring a little interest to my life.

I used to really like stormy weather. I still do I guess. I mean I still look forward to the Spring storm season. I've noticed, however, that since I stopped renting and actually bought a house, I'm no longer quite as excited over the prospect of having a tornado tear down my street.

The dreadicipation over the upcoming weekend is starting to make itself known. Not really suffering from surprisaphobia right now - I'm just not quite comfortable with things as they are. And I feel like things will be changing soon.

Last night, I had a beer that a friend of mine had made - his first homebrewing effort. I liked it okay. There was no carbonation to speak of, and I know that'll disappoint him. It was also very sweet, almost like sweetened iced tea. A hell of a lot better than any first attempt of mine would ever be, that's a safe bet.

Let's see, Friday I'm having my taxes done. I'm expecting a big drop in my refund amount over what it was the last few years. I dropped a couple of percentage points on my mortgage interest when I refinanced last Spring. Hopefully I'll still have enough left to blow in Las Vegas or Orlando over the next couple of months.

Gee, pretty exciting entry, wasn't it?

Last night I killed seven wasps in my house.

Tonight I've killed four so far.

I hope they're not coming from my attic. I'm afraid that I'll stick my head up there and find a five-foot nest or something.

Then I'll have to move.

One of the more interesting things that MaineGirl and I did the other night was this game she does with her friends. After we'd talked for a couple of hours, we each wrote down twenty questions for the other. We answered each question on a separate piece of paper, then traded answers. We had to try to match our questions with their answers.

Of course, it was all just a way to keep the conversation stimulated. I don't see how it could work if the people playing actually knew each other and ever planned to see them again. The questions asked of me were way too personal.

Anyway, here are my answers, changed slightly to protect privacy. Don't bother asking what the questions were:

1. Short answer: Yes. Long answer: It's like that [transitory period] when you wish you didn't but you do anyway. I know it's stupid, but for now I just have to accept it.

2. Absolutely, right away. And want is the operative word there. It used to be need and that terrified me.

3. No, though I came close once. I showed great willpower. It's just not my place to ask that.

4. I'm actually counting on that. If that's not the case then I've got a whole new set of problems.

5. You know, I really don't. I have to force myself to even picture that situation, and the picture I come up with is not a good one. Sometimes I wish that was what I wanted, because then at least all of this would make sense.

6. I suppose I'd get used to it like I've gotten used to everything else. No choice really.

7. Oh, I wouldn't say that it wouldn't affect me. It would affect the hell out of me. But even that would be better than the alternatives.

8. How about hate? How about pity? How about mockery? How about fear? How about nothingness? I'd say that any of those would be much worse.

9. I think I pretty much forfeited those privileges a long time ago. I don't know for sure but I figure better safe than sorry.

10. If that's the case then I owe yet another apology. I hope it's not the case.

11. Well of course it would. I'm not a robot. Not completely anyway. Not anymore. But not just good. More like bittersweet.

12. I wouldn't be surprised at all. I think I would be if the situation were reversed.

13. Maybe. I guess anything's possible, but that would really surprise me. I've never seen any potential for those kinds of feelings.

14. I think that would crush me.

15. I think because that would be proof of nothingness.

16. Nope. I was going to, when it first started, but I ran out of time.

17. Because then it was the right thing to do, but now I don't think it would solve any problems. Probably just make more.

18. I used to. Now, I'm not so sure.

19. Easy. Exactly where it started. Nothing more, nothing less.

20. I don't, but I can hope, right?