Today, for about the zillionth time, I found myself wishing that I was an asshole.

And I don't just wish this for today. Nope, I want my assholeness to be retroactive by several months at least.

As stands, however, I'm not an asshole. At least on the outside I'm not. So I keep having to spout the same crap over and over, trying to spare her feelings, even though I've known for weeks that there can be no future between her and me.

I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship.(not with you anyway)

I'm just a little moody tonight. It's not because of you.(it's because of who you are not)

You should probably just move on. (you should take the hint and find somebody better)

I just don't want to end up hurting you. (though I know it's already progressed beyond that point)

That last bit is actually the absolute truth. She's done nothing to deserve what I'm sure I'd end up doing to her. It's just that it sounds so much like a cliché that it's lost all meaning.

It's not like I haven't tried to end this. I look into her amazing eyes and try to come up with the words that will reseal this can of worms without too much pain. Without coming off like an asshole.

I tiptoe around the harsh truth with her, because I know that the truth will hurt her feelings. I know that hurting her would hurt me as well, but I can deal with my discomfort. It's but a drop in the bucket as they say. But to hurt her, that's just something I cannot do. Because I'm not an asshole. So I try to be gentle.

My words have no effect on her. There's something about me, she says, that is worth the wait.

What she doesn't see is that, those things she sees in me, they're not meant for her.

She'll read this, as she's read everything else, and it just won't sink in.

I wish she'd take the hint. Because, before too long I suspect, there'll be no more time for hints. It'll be time for me to act, and she'll just be in the way.

If I were an asshole, none of this would be happening.

If I were an asshole, things would be different.

Final tally after day one: 53.

Final tally after day two, and after eliminating several duplicates: 81.

It's probably for the best that I keep this bottled up for a while longer.

You know how sometimes you think you've got it all figured out, that nothing can really surprise you anymore?

Then you know how one day that thing, that thing you thought you had defined and categorized and labeled and stuck in a jar on a shelf, that thing beats you over the head and then rips open your chest and reaches in and grabs your insides and flings them all around you? And you're standing there with a smashed-in head and your heart and guts are all strewn about, and you realize maybe that you weren't quite as wise and smart and jaded as you'd thought? And then you realize that you just might be a dumbass?

You know what I'm talking about?

And do you know that, all those sappy clichés, they're all true? That the truth really does hurt, and it really can set you free? That love really is a many-splendored thing, and you can't really know it until you surrender yourself to it? Do you know how it's not all just bullshit to sell records and anniversary cards?

You know how one day you're sitting around contemplating how well you've got your shit together then all of a sudden your entire existence is turned upside-down, inside-out, every which way but loose? You know how suddenly you feel so alive that you wish you were dead?

Me neither. I'd like to know those things though. For now I just suspect them.

Okay, so this will be quick because I don't really feel like writing anything right now. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow and add some stuff. Or maybe not.

Friday I had one of those fucking nice and pleasant evenings at Rich O's. Boring boring boring. I'm pretty sure I had a Corsendonk Christmas Ale and a couple pints of Guinness.

On Saturday my sister Dina had arranged for several family and friends to meet up at Rich O's to help usher me into my forties. It was supposed to be a surprise but I ruined it by showing up early, plus I'd already had my suspicions when Dina called me a week before to ask what my Saturday night plans were. I ended up leaving and then coming back in so I could let them surprise me.

From left to right: Dina, my old friend Eric, Dina's fiancé Kenny, Eric's wife Terri, my sister Neisha, and her husband Chris.

Making later appearances were Dan "Holy Shit" Kruer and his lovely wife Kris. CoffeeDude also came in but I don't think Dina had a hand in that.

My first beer was a Piraat, back on tap after a long absence. After Dan and Kris had arrived, and Eric left the kiddie table, I moved over there and spent a while talking with Terri about books and the intriguing fact that she has single sisters.

CoffeeDude had been recommending a Goose Island Honkers Ale so I had one of those.

Goose Island Honkers Ale

(draft) A great beer for starting out an evening, yet interesting enough to make an entire session out of it. Smooth and malty. Tastes like it should have a higher ABV.

Once Terri had relinquished the throne I moved there and had a Guinness in honor of LaptopGirl, who was of course still absent physically but was nevertheless present in my thoughts.

Also in my thoughts were TrainGirl, gone for months now, and MisundersoodGirl and RealTrainGirl. MisunderstoodGirl is not working there anymore so I fear that I won't see either her or RealTrainGirl very often. Oh yeah, NotGeorge was supposed to be there but was a no-show. He'll be pretty bummed when I tell him that Dina was there.

For my final ceremonial beer of the night I had an Alaskan Smoked Porter and, once everyone else had gone home, I found myself sitting nearly alone with CoffeeDude as the big and little hands met at the top of the clock behind the bar.

So I began this new year in my life as I'd spent most of the previous one - sitting at Rich O's talking with a good friend and enjoying a good beer.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Yay!!!!

Don't forget to send me birthday greetings.

My Happy Birthday challenge, issued late last night, resulted in 46 birthday greetings as of 7:00 PM tonight.

Now, at 1:04 AM it's at 53 greetings.

Less than 24 hours left, and 47 to go.

So my aunt Helen died the other day.

I guess technically she was my ex-aunt as for the last several years she was my uncle's ex-wife. I don't really remember when the divorce happened - it was during the 15 year period when I lived away from here.

I also don't know the circumstances of their divorce, but I gather that they couldn't have been pleasant. Not like all of the other divorces that happen all the time when both parties are singing and dancing.

The reason that I don't think this divorce was pleasant was that when I asked when and where the service would be held nobody knew exactly, and I got one of these when I said I'd find out from the funeral home:

Well Dave, I guess you just have to do what you think is right for your self and your own conscience.

This was said with the same tone of voice I'd have heard if I'd announced that I was embarking on a multi-state killing spree with my herion dealing cult leading gay lover.

So I definitely sensed some tension there.

Well you know what, I liked Helen. And I'm going to go pay my respects. The rest of my family can do what they think is right for their own selves and their own consciences. My conscience tells me that, if things were really bad between her and my family, then she showed a lot of courage when she came to my father's funeral. I can repay that, if nothing else.

Wish me a Happy Birthday, Dammit!

Use the little form thingy over to the side - it's not difficult.

If I get a hundred birthday wishes I'll let you people know the truth, otherwise I'll keep it bottled up.

The deadline is midnight (EST) Sunday night.

Once again a claw rakes his skin, and he cries out. His refuge is not solid - there are small openings everywhere, and it is taking full advantage of them. Sharp talons reach in and grab at him, not able to get a firm grip but doing plenty of damage anyway. He tries to steel himself against the pain, but it always comes without warning. He begins to contemplate the impossible. He doesn't want to die like this, bleeding and cowering in the dark.